


The White Room

by minaho



Category: Kpop - Fandom, Lee Taemin - Fandom, SHINee, Taemin - Fandom
Genre: Angs, Dreams, EXO - Freeform, F/M, Fantasy, Fluffy, Jonghyun - Freeform, Reality, Romance, SHINee - Freeform, jongin - Freeform, shinee romance, taemin - Freeform, taeminangst, taeminfluff, taeminromance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-13 07:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 60,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14744328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minaho/pseuds/minaho
Summary: One night when Taemin goes to bed, everything begins to change in strange ways.  Are his dreams really dreams?‘True happiness.  People ask people about their careers, about their houses, their possessions, but no one ever asks if someone is just happy, so many people with so much are so unhappy.  They forget to let people close enough to love them.’‘Do you think this is the last time we will meet in our dreams?’ She asked him.‘No.  I have a feeling it’s not.’ He told her as soon as he located the feeling.‘Me too.  I still feel like we need to find a way out of here though.’ She told him.‘Yeah me too.  But for now, this is ok right?’ he asked her.  Taemin was enjoying getting to know her, someone regular for once, even if it was only in a dream.‘Yeah this is ok.  It’s just sad that it’s not real.’ She told him with the same sadness as before.As she said it was not real though he had a distinct feeling that was not entirely the truth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ***Contains issues of a sensitive nature - mentions of depression and suicide*** 
> 
> Please note this has sensitive content.  There are mentions of Jonghyun, if you are sensitive, please do not read.  I know his death is a sensitive issue, and I have tried to handle it carefully here, but if you feel you cannot deal with him in a new story, I would suggest you are better not to read this.
> 
> I don't mean to cause offense, I have not tried to use his death disrespectfully, in anyway, nor do I profess to know how anyone feels losing someone to depression.  
> 
> I have experienced my own depression, similar to the theme of this story, again, please do not read if you are sensitive. 
> 
> If you or anyone you know has depression, suicidal thoughts, don't suffer alone.  There is always someone you can talk to, if anyone needs help, someone to talk to, or just someone to listen to you, I welcome anyone who needs a friend, just send me a message. 

Flinging his shirt over his head and onto the floor, flopping backwards onto the bed, too hot and tired to think about being clean and tidy, closing his eyes he fell into a comfortable slumber. Same as any other regular summer night. 

 

‘Hello,’ he called out, the room he was in was pure blinding white. He had the sense that there was someone else with him, someone close by that he knew instinctively he had to find. Turning his head side to side from his seated position, he looked around for any signs of life. There was not a visible horizon wherever he was. The blinding white of the floor he was sat on merged seamlessly with the walls, or the sky, he couldn’t be sure. At the very moment he wondered if he was inside or not, he felt like he was somewhere in between, he recognised he was trapped in this place until he found who he was looking for, but the problem was, he didn’t know who he was looking for in this strange place.   
‘Hello.’ He yelled into the silence around him. He could hear his own voice echoing around the room, wherever he was stuck, was large, and he realised he must be inside for his voice to echo in this way.   
Tentatively he found his feet. His fingertips grazed the floor, but he didn’t notice the peculiar texture of the floor. As he paced, his feet sprang slightly with each step. He was beginning to worry he would never find who he needed too to escape.   
‘Are you here?’ He asked, fearful of the answer. ‘Hello?’ Again, his voice bounced around back at him. Inside his chest he so desperately wanted not only to find this person but meet them, they were desperately important to him.   
‘Where are you?’ His sing song voice rang out fruitlessly. His best bet was to move, so he ran, not consciously choosing the direction in which he was running but knowing instinctively it was the right way to go. ‘Hello? Where are you?’  
‘Hello?’ A small voice asked back stopping him in his tracks. He tried to place the voice, it was definitely female, but he had never heard that voice before. Yet he knew she was the person he needed to find.   
‘I’m here.’ He shouted towards the sky.   
‘I can’t see you.’ The voice replied sounding unhappy, catching Taemin off guard with just how sad they sounded.   
‘I can’t see you too, but I will find you.’ He said, desperately trying to reassure the sad voice, which was sounding increasingly more charming to him each time they spoke.   
‘I’m lost.’ She spoke again, this time though she sounded closer, much closer than before. Whipping his head around wildly he tried to place the owner’s location.   
‘You sound closer to me now.’ He told her, ‘Keep talking to me, I will find you.’ He told her waiting for her to speak before he chose which direction to move in.   
‘Should I stop moving?’ she asked in the same low voice.   
‘Yes, I will find you.’ He repeated his feet moving in the direction of her voice. He had to keep her speaking if he was going to find her.   
‘What is your name?’ he asked the first thing that came to his mind as he moved quickly, pausing to make sure he was in the right direction.   
‘Jennifer,’ she said in a sigh as if the sound of her own name made her sad.   
‘Jennifer, I’m Taemin.’ He told her moving towards her.   
‘I don’t know you.’ She told him, a slight note of anxiety in her voice.   
‘It’s ok, I don’t know you too, but I need to find you.’ He told her without hesitation.  
‘I need to find you too.’ She told him. She was becoming louder, as if she were on the other side of a door, but still all Taemin could see for miles was an expanse of blinding white.   
‘Are you in a white room?’ He asked turning around in circles desperately.   
‘No,’ she told him sadly. ‘The room is green, jade green, it has no beginning or end.’   
He shook his head fearing he would never find her, she was in a completely different room than he was.   
‘You sound so close,’ he gasped in frustration.   
‘You sound close too, like you’re right next to me.’ She told him. He could tell she was whispering or speaking softly, yet he could hear her as clearly as if she had spoken directly in his ear.   
He sat down back on the floor, he didn’t know what he should do now. How he was going to find her.   
‘I don’t know how to get to you.’ He told her feeling defeated.   
‘I think, this is as close as we are going to get,’ she told him. Although he could not see her face, he pictured someone with a sad smile, trying to be brave when they were terrified. It pulled at his heart. His instinct was to protect this girl, and he was failing.   
‘Taemin? Are you still there?’ she asked softly.   
‘Yeah I’m still here.’ He told her sadly, rubbing his eyes trying to think of a logical way to find her.   
‘I . . . feel like I miss you.’ Her voice sounded frightened, disbelieving like she wasn’t sure why she had this feeling. Yet as she said the words, he realised that was what he was feeling too. He missed her greatly.   
‘I feel like I miss you too.’ He told her using the same tone, stretch himself back fully on the floor, with his hands over his chest.   
‘How do you miss someone you haven’t met before?’ she asked him, in her voice this time, he noted the wonderment in there.   
‘I don’t know, maybe we did meet before?’ he said without conviction. He knew it was untrue. He did not know any Jennifer’s who sounded like she did.   
‘I don’t think so, I would remember a name like Taemin. I only know of one.’ She told him with half a giggle to her sad voice.   
He smiled at her giggle, feeling lighter. ‘You know someone called Taemin?’ He asked intrigued.   
‘Yeah, kind of . . . I don’t know him, just of him, he’s very famous.’ She replied. He was famous, maybe she meant him? For some reason he chose not to comment.   
‘I don’t know any Jennifer’s,’ he told her honestly. ‘It’s not a common name where I am from.’ He explained.   
‘I guess you are from Korea.’ She said, though it didn’t strike him as strange, there was really only one place in the world for a name like his.   
‘You would guess right, but where are you from then?’ He asked unable to place her name.   
‘I . . . Don’t remember,’ she stumbled over her answer, obviously trying to remember. ‘I speak English, I’m from an English-speaking country, but I don’t remember, because…’ She didn’t finish her sentence.   
‘Why?’ he asked.   
‘Because I don’t belong there.’ She told him, sounding embarrassed, though it was a very strange thing to say.   
‘Are you speaking Korean now?’ he asked her. He had been speaking Korean the whole time, and she had replied to him, each time, in Korean.   
‘No, I am speaking English, like you?’ she said as a question.   
‘I’m not….’ He told her screwing up his face, the confusion of this place was clouding his mind, he wanted to understand and ask more questions but as soon as he had a thought, it would slip away.   
‘So, I am speaking English and you are speaking Korean, but we understand each other? How does that work?’ she asked sounding as confused as he felt.   
‘I don’t know, it must be this place.’ He said shaking his head.   
It was strange even though he desperately wanted to see her, talking to her was keeping him calm, he was relaxing, and not worrying about where he was anymore.   
‘I like talking to you though.’ He said as a reaction, unable to filter nor stop himself.   
He could hear her chuckle as his own grin crept onto his face.   
‘Me too.’ She said shyly. ‘It makes me feel less alone.’   
‘Me too.’ He told her with a smile. 

Taemin woke up from his dream with a start. Sitting bolt upright, his mind raced over every detail of his dream. He could remember every word, every feeling so clearly, unlike most of the dreams he usually had, when he would wake up and not remember a thing. His heart was racing, his brow slightly sweaty as if he had been in a nightmare. Yet remembering the dream gave him an oddly sweet feeling, he wanted to be back in the white room, talking with the girl he could not see.   
Getting up he grabbed a bottle of water from his fridge before attempting to go back to sleep. It was only 4am and he did not have to be awake for a few hours yet. He was determined to get as much sleep in as possible and hopefully, fall back into his dream in the white room.   
He tossed and turned for a while, is mind dancing though not falling asleep. It was well over an hour before he returned to the white room. 

‘Jennifer?’ he asked quietly, into the empty space. He could not see her, just as before, and he was in the same position, laying on his back staring into the white abyss.   
‘Taemin? Where did you go?’ her voice rang out to him.   
‘I …’ he had no answer. He did not remember where he went. ‘I don’t know, have I been gone for a long time?’ he asked her, feeling a weight of guilt for leaving her, though he knew it wasn’t his fault.   
‘I’m not sure how long you’ve been gone. You stopped replying to me, and I’ve just been… waiting.’ She spoke the last word strangely, she wasn’t sure if it was the right way to phrase it.   
‘I’m sorry.’ He told her sincerely wishing he hadn’t left her alone. ‘How long were you here, before when you first spoke?’ he asked.   
‘As soon as I was here I heard you speaking.’ She told him. Her voice was very soft, very feminine, but not overly girly or high pitched, just soft, like every word she spoke was precious. ‘How long were you here before I answered you?’   
‘I’m not sure about time here,’ he told her, ‘I was shouting for you for a while, I knew you would be here … but I don’t know how I knew.’ He told her. It was hard to remember or figure out why he felt the way he did here.   
‘I had the same feeling. I knew you would be here, and I had to find you.’ She told him.   
‘If we find each other do you think we can get out of here?’ He asked her as a question, though he knew he must find her in order to never come back again. But now he was talking to her, he enjoyed it, he wanted to be in the room with her.   
‘I have that feeling, when we find each other, we will leave.’ She told him sadly.   
‘How old are you?’ he asked her, wanting to talk more about her than about the room.   
‘I’m 29. How old are you?’ she asked him back.   
‘I’m 25,’ he replied.   
‘You are so young.’ As she spoke he could hear the smile on her face.   
‘I am not that young, you are old.’ He teased with his own grin.   
‘Thank you.’ She said thick with sarcasm.   
‘I’m joking,’ he told her, slightly worried she wouldn’t be able to understand his teasing.   
‘I know.’ She replied.   
Taemin moved to lay on his side, in the direction her voice was coming from, though he still saw nothing but vast white brightness.   
‘What do you look like?’ He asked her curiously, he wanted to be able to picture her as he spoke to her.   
‘I am 151cm, I have light brown/green eyes, and kind of blonde, wavy shortish hair. White, golden-ish skin.’ She answered as she did, a picture of a woman fitting her description appeared in his mind. ‘Two arms, two legs, that sort of thing,’ she added at the end.   
Taemin laughed, his laugh booming around the empty space. ‘Ok, two arms and two legs are good.’ He replied. ‘I have three arms and one leg. It make’s it really hard to get places.’  
‘Ha, ha,’ she taunted, ‘It’s hard to describe yourself.’ She told him softly, ‘what about you?’   
‘Well I’m Korean, dark eyes, 175cm, broad shoulders, right now my hair is sort of light brown blonde.’ He told her trying to be as honest as possible. ‘And you know I have a mouth and a nose and ears and stuff.’ He teased her with a grin.   
She laughed, a sound that he was hoping to have elicited from her. ‘Fair enough Taemin, nose and ears and all. Now I can almost picture you instead of just seeing this green colour.’ Her voice had dropped low, almost like she was talking to herself, or else becoming sleepy.   
‘Are you sleepy?’ he asked her, his voice dropping too.   
‘A little.’ She commented back to him.   
‘Don’t go to sleep yet.’ He told her, a touch of pleading in his voice.   
‘Why?’ she asked, sounding further away.   
‘Because I will miss you when you go.’ He explained.   
She did not reply, only silence lingered in his ears. As if he had predicted it, he missed her, the feeling ran through him so strong, from his toes to the top of his head. He missed the person he had never met so much his chest felt in physical pain. Closing his eyes, a tear or two escaped him, as he curled into a ball, trying his best to go to sleep too. 

 

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Waking up groggily, Taemin refused to open his eyes at first, though he knew he had to get up and get ready soon. He laid curled up in bed, remembering vividly his dream from the night before as if it had really happened. He stretched himself out, trying to shake the weird feeling the dreams had left him with, and began to get ready for his day.   
He was not overly busy today, a couple of photoshoots, and an interview and then he was free for the evening. The dream he had, plagued the back of his mind all day, and in times when he found himself waiting, staring into space he found his mind wandering back to the white room.   
It was unlike any other dream he had before. It felt a lot more real, and as he made his way from place to place quietly in the back of a car, he stared out the windows wondering if Jennifer was a real person, and if she was here, or he had seen her somewhere before.   
Getting home late in the afternoon he paced around his empty house, wondering what to do with himself. Half of him wanted to sleep, he was intrigued if he would find himself back in the white room again or not, but he knew he shouldn’t sleep, and wait until it was time for bed.   
Jongin rang as he was contemplating what to do with himself for the evening, inviting him to join him and a few friends for dinner. Accepting gratefully for the distraction he headed over to where they were meeting.   
‘Hey.’ Taemin shouted to Jongin as he walked into the restaurant and slid down next to him.   
‘Hey what’s up?’ Jongin asked stuffing his mouth with the Kimchi already set out on the table.   
‘You couldn’t wait huh?’ Taemin said playfully shoving his friend as he grabbed his own chop sticks and began shovelling some of the side dishes into his own mouth.   
Jongin just replied with a kimchi filled grin as Jimin walked in.   
‘Gentlemen,’ he winked sitting down opposite them.   
‘Is it just us?’ Taemin asked as he noted there were only three places set on the table.   
‘Everyone else was busy,’ Jongin explained.   
They ordered and made their way through the mountains of food, somewhat relaxing Taemin as he temporarily forgot about the dream that had been bugging him all day.   
‘Then he jumped out of his skin.’ Jongin finished a story about Baekhyun and Chanyeol playing a prank on Kyungsoo in the middle of the night. ‘He looked like he was going to the murder the pair of them.’ Jongin finished with a grin as Jimin laughed along with the story.   
‘Hey, are you paying attention, what’s with you?’ Jimin asked Taemin, clicking his chop sticks at him, he had temporarily glazed over, his mind floating back into the white room.   
‘Nothing I’m fine.’ Taemin lied to his friend with a fake smile.   
Jongin and Jimin both exchanged looks like they didn’t really believe him.   
‘Ok, so you know when you have a dream right, you don’t ever remember all the details?’ Taemin decided he would tell them, or at least tell them part of his dream.   
‘I never remember anything to do with my dreams,’ Jimin said slurping noisily on the end of his bowl of soup. ‘In fact, I’m not sure I even do dream.’   
‘Everyone dreams dummy,’ Jongin teased him, ‘but yes sometimes I don’t remember them, or only remember part of them.’ He shrugged looking in Taemin’s direction. ‘Why?’   
‘I had this dream last night, twice,’ he began, both men stared blankly back at him. ‘So, I fell asleep had this dream, and then woke up and I could remember every detail, and then I went back to sleep and had the same dream, or it was the same place, but different . . .’   
‘So?’ Jimin said clearly uninterested.   
‘I just wondered if you ever had that sort of thing.’ Taemin said trying to shrug it off.   
‘I don’t know, I’ve fallen asleep and had the same dream over several nights, I don’t remember having the same dream in the same night. But I think that’s normal.’ Jongin said staring intently at Taemin. ‘What was the dream about anyway?’   
‘I was stuck in this white room, it was weird.’ He said trying to be vague and omitting the most crucial point of his dream.   
‘Maybe your anxious, being stuck somewhere can be a sign of anxiety, right?’ Jimin chimed in.   
‘I guess, I don’t feel stressed though.’ Taemin said finishing the left-over food on the plates in front of him.   
‘Don’t worry about it then. Anyway, I have to go back for a schedule. See you losers.’ Jimin left after his goodbyes. Not long later Jongin and Taemin parted ways and Taemin made his way back home, feeling very full, tired and ready for sleep.   
As he lay in bed with his eyes closed he tried to fight his mind from going over the details of the previous nights dream. He was sure he was just going to dream the same thing because it was stuck in his head. 

 

He knew he was in the white room before he even opened his eyes. He felt exactly the same, a longing for something he didn’t know he wanted before, the same cool, comfortable temperature with a slight breeze coming from somewhere he could not locate and the smell of a kind of perfume, a sort of coconut smell and roses.   
He didn’t speak as he opened his eyes to the whiteness all around him, he listened intently though for signs that she was with him. ‘Jennifer?’ he asked as he found only ringing silence met his ears.   
He knew he had to wait, there was nothing else he could do, as he laid his head to one side and began to softly sing to himself to pass the lonely moments.   
‘You are the Taemin I know of,’ her voice rang out as Taemin paused between songs.   
‘You’re back.’ He grinned to himself at her voice.   
‘Have you been here a long time?’ she asked with concern.   
‘I’m not sure, I’ve been singing for a while.’ He admitted.   
‘I’ve been listening.’ She told him. ‘This is a dream.’ She told him.   
‘A dream?’ he said confused. It seemed to spark some memory in him.   
‘I am stuck in this green room with Lee Taemin singing, I must be in a dream,’ she quipped with a shy giggle.   
He giggled back, but then something gripped at him. ‘If you’re in a dream then so am I.’   
‘It’s strange you would dream of me, you have definitely never met me before.’ She told him, her voice very soft, very close to his ear.   
‘Do you dream about me a lot?’ He asked almost embarrassed with his own self-confidence.   
She laughed, ‘Actually never before yesterday.’ She told him honestly.   
‘This is not the sort of dream I ever have, where my dreams connect.’ He told her.   
‘Me either.’ She replied mysteriously.   
‘We must be connected somehow.’ He decided. ‘I must have seen you before, are you on TV or something?’   
‘Nope, I’m fairly sure there is no way you would have seen me, I’ve never been to Korea before.’ She told him, deflating him somewhat.   
‘Then you’ve seen me in a country I’ve visited.’ He stated.  
‘No, I wish. I suppose since this is a dream, and nothing is real I can tell you that I am a fan of yours but have never been able to see you in real life.’ Her tone was shy, though it was obvious she was trying to mask it with confidence.   
He laughed. ‘Fans are getting into my dreams now, I’m going to have to take a restraining order out on you.’   
‘Ha ha,’ she scorned him.   
‘What do you do then?’ he asked wanting to know more about her. ‘It seems very unfair that you know exactly who I am, and I know nothing about you.’   
‘That is true, I’m a make-up artist.’ She told him.   
‘Oh that’s cool.’ He commented, not sure what he really expected her to say.   
‘Only if you like make-up.’ The smile on her face was evident in her words whenever she said something she thought was mildly funny.   
He grinned to himself, he liked how she spoke. ‘Do you live alone?’ he asked her his next question.   
‘I do now.’ She told him, the smile had definitely faded from her tone, and she sounded sad this time as she answered him.   
‘Now?’ he asked, wanting to know more and more but he didn’t want to make her upset.   
‘I used to live with someone, but … now I don’t.’ she told him with the same sadness laced into her words.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he told her sincerely. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ he asked hoping she would.   
‘I … I don’t know,’ her voice was small, it was all Taemin could do to stop his heart breaking for her.   
‘It’s ok.’ He said, not knowing what else to say. ‘But I’ll listen if you do.’   
‘Thank you.’ She replied, sounding sincere. ‘Do you have a girlfriend?’ she asked a little too quickly, to change the subject.   
‘No, I live on my own, no girlfriend yet.’ He told her honestly. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a girlfriend, but he was so busy most of the time, and no one had ever taken his interest enough for him to put in enough effort. He wanted to ask her the same question, though he felt he already knew the answer, and she wouldn’t want to talk about it.   
‘What’s it like? Being famous?’ she asked him changing the subject for the second time.   
‘I don’t know really,’ he said frowning as he thought about it. ‘I guess I’ve been famous since I was young I don’t really know any different.’ He told her without thinking.   
‘It must be hard.’ She commented softly.   
‘Sometimes,’ he agreed. ‘Sometimes it gets lonely.’   
‘Yeah I can imagine.’ She whispered her response.   
‘Are you lonely?’ he asked her.   
She didn’t respond to him immediately, in fact she took so long to respond he thought she had disappeared like last night.   
‘Jennifer?’ he whispered into the open space.   
‘I’m lonely all the time.’ She told him very quietly.  
It made him feel sad to hear, he wanted to help take that loneliness away.   
‘I’m sorry.’ Was all he could say.   
‘At least you’re here,’ she said, ‘sort of.’   
He chuckled slightly, ‘Yeah I’m here to help.’   
They didn’t speak for the next few minutes, though it could have been longer, who could tell what rate the time was passing in their dream rooms.   
It didn’t bother Taemin, he was comfortable listening to the sounds of her breathing slowly, he could just make it out, and he knew she was still there, though he couldn’t see her, he could sense her presence.   
‘Do you think you will ever come to Korea?’ he asked her after an eternity of silence.   
‘I have always wanted to.’ She responded straight away.   
‘But?’ He felt there was a but in there somewhere.   
‘I don’t know, money and time have never coincided to help me go. Maybe one day.’ She said dreamily.   
‘Maybe I’ll see you then if you decide to come.’ As soon as he said the words he wasn’t entirely sure why he said it, but he knew he would like to met her.   
‘Hahaha, I doubt it, but who knows, maybe I will come to a concert.’ She chuckled her mood lifting.  
‘Do you think this is the last time we will meet in our dreams?’ She asked him.   
‘No. I have a feeling it’s not.’ He told her as soon as he located the feeling.   
‘Me too. I still feel like we need to find a way out of here though.’ She told him.   
‘Yeah me too. But for now, this is ok right?’ he asked her. Taemin was enjoying getting to know her, someone regular for once, even if it was only in a dream.   
‘Yeah this is ok. It’s just sad that it’s not real.’ She told him with the same sadness as before.   
As she said it was not real though he had the distinct feeling that was not entirely the truth. 

 

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

Taemin woke the next day with a similar feeling to the previous morning, content somehow in the dreams he had been having, but with a strange uncertainty. Remembering Jennifer tell him he was in a dream seemed strange to him. To be aware in his dream, that it was a dream, seemed like no dream he had ever had.   
Going about his day was a lot harder than it was for him the previous day, as were the next two weeks. He continued every night to go to the white room in his dreams, to meet, but not meet Jennifer, and talk with her. Sometimes when he got there she was already there waiting for him, her voice getting excited when he called out to her as she had been waiting for him, or at times he would wait for her, singing to fill up the silence before she made an appearance.   
He had begun to get to know her well by now. She was the oldest of three, with a brother and a sister. He could tell by the way she spoke about her family she adored every one of them. She told him story after story of funny things her dad would do, or ridiculous things her mum would do, how clever talented and beautiful her siblings were.   
Taemin shared about his own family with her, his relationship with his brother and his parents, he even talked about his close friendships. How he had never been truly in love before, how he felt being famous and how it was hard at times, when he felt he couldn’t be himself. She listened intently, asking the right questions, enthused whenever he spoke. He felt like he could be himself in the white room. He wasn’t wearing make-up, his hair wasn’t styled, he wasn’t dressed up in some outfit, there was no one judging him here.   
After two weeks of their conversations together he began to rely heavily on meeting her every night, ready to tell her about his days, whatever was bothering him, and listen to how her days had panned out, what crazy person she had encountered to do their make-up. They had worked out they were definitely in a dream. They were both remembering things they had previously found it hard to remember. Taemin remembered falling asleep, he remembered when he woke up and left her, or if she would wake up she would remember that was why she disappeared. She remembered, finally, that she was from a small town in Ireland and when she told him he recognised the Irish lit to her voice. But she was living in Singapore as a make-up artist and had been living there for several years. Taemin realised this was why more times than not he would be waiting for her in the room, with the time difference, she would be going to sleep and entering the dream later than he was.   
Tonight, was no different, as he got himself ready for bed, laying down and closing his eyes, it seemed easier to fall asleep recently, as soon as his head hit the pillows, he was opening them again in the white room.   
He knew instantly she was not there, but there was something different today about the room. Instead of the pure white abyss as usual, right next to him, where he usually lay to be close to her voice, there was a large square mirror like object. Except it wasn’t a mirror. He could see himself in the mirror, but it was a bright jade green in the background. Twisting his head, to the back of him was still definitely blinding white. He had a similar sensation looking into it and seeing himself there surrounded by green as he did if he were to look into a window. He walked up and down the length of the mirror, it was only millimetres thick, but around 4 meters wide and tall, and from the back was the same as the front. After walking around the object twice and finding himself back in his original spot he reached out a tentative hand to touch it, wondering if it was some kind of doorway that would lead him into the green room.   
It was cold to touch, and definitely solid like a pane of glass. Placing both hands on the mirror he tried to force himself through, but he wasn’t moving, it wasn’t budging to let him through.  
He sighed and sat down cross legged in front of the mirror. It dawned on him he might get to see Jennifer for the first time, with butterflies in his stomach at the thought he waited patiently, not wanting to close his eyes just in case he missed her appearance.   
He leaned back onto his hands waiting. She seemed to be taking longer tonight to arrive than usual, and he began to worry she wasn’t going to come. Maybe the appearance of the mirror stopped her from being here.   
‘Where are you,’ he mumbled to himself getting impatient, waiting for her to arrive.   
‘I’m here.’ She replied immediately, he cocked his head up to the mirror, but still only saw himself.   
‘Where?’ he asked again stupidly. Expecting to see her in the mirror.   
‘I’m where I usually am.’ She told him, her tone playful tonight.   
‘You can’t see the mirror?’ he asked confused.   
‘What mirror?’ she asked with the same confusion.   
‘I can see a mirror, kind of like a mirror in front of me, I see myself, but the background is green.’ He told her.   
‘Oh’ she replied, obviously thinking hard. ‘I don’t have a mirror,’ she told him slowly. ‘Can you see me?’ she asked tentatively.   
‘No,’ he told her saddened as he was sure he was going to see her.   
‘That’s weird, your room has changed. I wonder what that means.’ She spoke softly as usual.   
‘I don’t know,’ he told her with a frown around his eyebrows. ‘I was hoping it would mean I could see you.’ He told her a little too truthfully.   
‘I don’t think it’s that easy,’ she laughed lightly at him, bringing a smile back to his face.   
‘No, you’re right, I don’t think it would be that easy.’ He told her dejected with his own expectations.   
He moved from his seated position, his arms beginning to ache with his weight on them, and curled up facing the mirror, resting his head on his arms.   
‘Why do you think we are here?’ he asked her. It was something that he constantly thought about day to day. Why were they meeting every night in their own dreams? He knew she must be real, she wasn’t his imagination, he couldn’t have made up the things she had told him about herself if he tried, but it bothered him more. Why her? Why him? Why like this?   
‘I …. I … I don’t really know,’ she told him. She stuttered over her answer, he had spoken to her so much and listened so intently he knew when she had more to say than she did. He knew she must know something else.   
‘Tell me Jenni.’ He pouted, waiting for her small laugh that inevitably followed.   
‘I don’t know how . . . ‘ she explained, she was being very careful, which bugged him more.   
‘I think we must need to help each other somehow.’ Her words were controlled.   
‘Help each other how?’ He repeated slowly, unsure of her meaning.   
‘I…I…’ she had something to tell him, over the past few weeks he knew when she was stalling, when she was embarrassed, and he sensed the later was true here.   
‘Jenni.’ He pushed her, hoping to make her feel safe with him, using the short version of her name, so she could explain.   
‘I’ve had a hard time recently.’ She whispered, but he could tell in her voice it was hard for her to talk about. He had this feeling about her, she was going through something difficult in her life. She never spoke about it, but he felt it connected to when she wouldn’t tell him any more about her relationships.   
‘In work?’ he whispered back, trying to get her to open up more, but knowing it had nothing to do with work.   
He heard her sigh before she spoke. ‘You know when you asked me if I live alone?’ she asked him.   
‘Yeah.’ He replied slowly.   
‘I’ve only recently been living alone. The past 9 months, I’ve been alone.’ She continued to explain.   
He hummed lightly so she would know he was still listening.   
‘Before then I had been living with someone for several years, we were engaged, for a long time.’ Her voice cracked, it was obviously a strain for her to talk about this. It sounded like she had told this story many times and she was tired.   
‘Wh-what happened?’ he asked softly.  
‘I just couldn’t keep it going.’ She said softly, not only did she sound sad, but she sounded defeated.   
‘I gave everything I could, I don’t love by half. I mean, I’m not clingy or anything like that, but that’s why I moved here, to be with him, and from the beginning it was hard. Different culture, different language for the most part, but that wasn’t the problem. I accepted every difference, welcomed it, but I couldn’t accept being loved by half, not in the end. It’s hard to explain.’ Her voice trailed off into the silence surrounding them.   
‘I understand,’ he explained hoping she would keep going. ‘What happened then?’   
‘He had a lot of problems, depression, self esteem issues, terrified of life, chronic illnesses, manipulative tendancies. I thought the more love I gave him, the more I stubbornly stuck by him, the more it would help him.’   
‘I guess that didn’t work.’ Taemin said softly, his heart breaking for her as she continued.   
‘No. The opposite, I realised the only person who could help him was him, no amount of love would pull him out of the depression, no amount of love would show him how to love himself. I gave so much that I became empty, and angry. He couldn’t commit to a date to get married, and 7 years later we were still not married. I began to get irritated, frustrated, and I realised I wasn’t helping him I was making it worse, and then the guilt I felt.’ She sniffled as she paused, telling him she was now crying.   
‘I made the decision to leave, though I didn’t want to. I had taught him not to respect me but to use me, not to love me but take the love I was giving him. I knew the only way it had a chance of working was for me to leave. There was no ultimatum, but I was clear that I was open to it working after he looked after himself, saw someone. I begged him to see a doctor, talk to someone who could help him. It broke my heart to leave. I didn’t think it would be as hard as it has been.’   
‘In what way?’ Taemin asked.   
‘I didn’t leave because I didn’t love him, and when all you want to do is help someone, but they don’t want to be helped, you are filled with guilt, consumed by it. He blamed me, as he would do, and I felt like I was abandoning a child. I’ve been plagued with self-doubt, guilt and a broken heart. Sometimes …’   
‘Sometimes what?’ Taemin was captivated by the sad story.   
‘Sometimes it’s so hard to even breathe.’ She whispered, ashamed. ‘I know I’m the one who left, and I feel guilty for that, heartbroken, but I didn’t see another choice. Stay with a guy who doesn’t love you right, and be unhappy stuck in a circle of misery, or leave and hope, hope he would get better, but if he didn’t…’   
‘If he didn’t?’   
‘I knew I would have to leave anyway if he didn’t. I feel like the most selfish person on the planet sometimes. He ... he gave up when I left, he refused to help himself, and blamed me so much. He told me he hated me, I was the problem, it was my problem I wasn’t happy. There are days when I believe him, and I hate myself. Other days when I feel so lost and alone, believing no one will ever love me the way I loved him, completely, and there are days when I …’ she paused taking a breath, ‘when I believe the world would be a better place without me.’   
Taemin’s heart broke. He had never heard of someone, who so passionately talked about someone they loved obviously so deeply, breaking their own heart as the only way they could see to better the person they loved. He didn’t think it was selfish at all, what she did, she did for him, at the cost to herself. It was clear to Taemin the sacrifice she made had broken her.   
‘Please don’t think like that.’ He whispered, begging her to believe his words.   
She hummed sadly to him.   
‘I don’t know you well, but from what I do know, you don’t seem selfish at all, you seem like you have so much love to give the world, and someone will appreciate that, someone will see that and love you back the way you need them too.’ He told her, knowing it was true. ‘The world does need you, I need you.’ He added quietly on the end.   
She laughed but it was hollow. ‘You don’t really need me Taemin.’   
‘Of course I do, why else am I in this room?’ he grinned hoping to cheer her up with a joke.   
‘Maybe you’re here to just help me, keep me from … doing other things.’   
‘What other things?’ he asked her afraid of the answer.   
‘Stupid things.’ She whispered, and the shame in her voice was palpable. He knew exactly what she meant.   
‘Please, please, everything will get better, don’t think … like that.’ He begged her knowing the feeling of losing someone to this.   
‘I’m just so consumed with so many feelings, guilt follows me like a dark cloud, loathing myself for being so selfish and I worry constantly about him, if he will do something stupid. The heart break on top just … a lot of the time it’s too much to handle.’   
‘Have you spoken to anyone else about it?’ he asked her worried for her own health.   
‘No,’ she breathed out, he knew she knew she should, but she was embarrassed. ‘I’ve always been … fairly strong, strong minded, but this has broken me in ways I didn’t know I could be broken. I don’t really know how to talk to anyone about how I feel. I’m usually the person to look on the bright side, but I can’t find it for myself. The first night we met, I … I went to sleep,’ she took a deep breath, ‘I went to sleep planning the next day to end it all. I just didn’t want to feel so much anymore.’   
A tear escaped Taemin’s eye, he hadn’t realised as she spoke he had been so moved until his face was sticky with tears.   
‘Jennifer, I feel … I don’t know, it seems weird to say, but I feel close to you. I feel like you help me every day, making me feel lighter somehow, in a way I didn’t know I needed. I look forward to talking to you every night, I need you to stay here.’ He didn’t know how to put what he was feeling into words. He could hear her crying softly, pulling at him again.   
‘I lost Jonghyun to depression. I can’t lose someone else, please, please, if you feel like that again, tell me ok? I want to help you through this.’ He was as sincere as he could be.   
‘I’m so sorry Taemin, I know I must sound so insensitive saying these things to you when … Jonghyun, I’m so sorry.’ She cried louder, as if she only just realised what she had been saying.   
‘Shhh, don’t cry, it’s ok, I’m ok, maybe you’re right, maybe this is why we are here, to help each other with these things. If I can help someone see they are needed and wanted I will do it. Anything it takes. I’m here ok?’ he cried with her, he so desperately wanted to help her, he wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be just fine, he wanted to protect her from these dark feelings.   
The room began to swirl in front of Taemin, like a thick mist, the room moved, but he didn’t seem to feel anything. Twisting his head around from left to right, the swirling stopped quickly, it didn’t make a noise, it just scared the hell out of him.   
‘Jennifer?’ he asked scared as he turned back to face the mirror.   
‘Yeah?’ she replied quietly, still sniffling.   
She had emerged in the mirror, she was sitting cross legged facing the mirror, her hand cupping the left side of her face as she leaned her elbow into her leg. She was nothing like what he had expected, and yet exactly what he had expected.   
Her green brown eyes were very large, seemingly made larger by the fact she crying, and they were full of tears, falling down her face. He took in every detail of them before he spoke. Her eyelashes were dark, long along the top and perfectly separated and elongated along the bottom. His own eyes travelled the rest of her face, her nose was small, straight, button like and dainty on her small face. Her lips were full, but her mouth was small, her bottom lip protruding outwards larger than the top. She had a very sad pout on her lips. Her hair was as she described, ashy bright blonde, falling in a mix match of waves no longer than shoulder length, around her face. She was beautiful.   
She had not seen Taemin, her eyes were cast downwards, looking at the floor, and he wasn’t sure if she could see him or not.   
‘You’re beautiful,’ he said inevitably, his voice slightly breathless as his eyes took her in, captivated by her. It was such a strange feeling to see her after all of this time talking to into the nothing that surrounded them.   
She smiled sadly at his words, the corners of her mouth turning upwards just a fraction. A tiny line formed between her eyebrows as she shook her head a little.   
‘Thank you, but you don’t know me Taemin, you’ve never seen me remember?’ She spoke quietly, dismissing him. She closed her eyes together as she finished speaking and wiped her tears from her face.   
Taking in the rest of her, her hands looked very soft and small, she was quite short, even from her cross-legged position, he was looking down on her. Her nails were clean, long and gently manicured. She was wearing a simple nondescript white shirt, as was he, and similar white trousers, the same as him. No shoes, he noted, the same as him too. He had never noticed what he was wearing in the room before he noticed what she was wearing.   
‘Yes, I can.’ He told her quietly, waiting for her reaction.   
Slowly, she looked up, he could fully see her eyes now, almond shaped, but wide. He could better see the green in them now. For a brief moment she looked into his eyes, startling him. He felt vulnerable, unsure of how she would react to seeing him, but the moment passed too soon, she looked away from him, turning her head left to right, and twisting her body around. It was apparent she could not see him.   
‘You can’t see me,’ he whispered, realising what was happening.   
She turned back to the sound of his voice, facing him again.   
‘No,’ she said slowly. The look on her face was vulnerable, scared. He wanted to think of something to reassure her.   
He shuffled himself closer to the glass, pressing his nose up against it almost to get a better look at her.   
‘Don’t be scared,’ he whispered. She focused on him again, obviously she knew his voice was close by.   
Her eyes darted around, she swallowed preparing what she was thinking to say.   
‘You can see me now?’ she asked, the shyness in her voice pulling at him.   
‘Yes I can.’ He told her, placing both hands on the glass. ‘Please don’t cry, you’re too beautiful to cry.’ He cooed gently.   
She smirked softly, a faint pink blush rose in her cheeks, making him smile. ‘That’s better,’ he smiled though he knew she couldn’t see him.   
‘Now I feel really stupid.’ She told him, biting on her lip anxiously.   
‘Why?’ he asked, his eyes unable to stop taking her in.   
‘Because you can see me, and I can’t see you dummy,’ she mocked gently, the left side of her mouth twitched as he scolded him.   
He laughed, she was sweeter than he thought, it was like seeing a unicorn at the zoo, he was fascinated.   
‘It’s so strange to see you,’ he whispered after an eternity.   
She frowned, her tears had dried, and now she just looked mildly uncomfortable.   
‘In a good way,’ he added to help ease her.   
‘So, what do you think then?’ she said in a much more confident voice than she had been using previously, shaking her blonde hair backwards. ‘Have you seen me before?’ she asked. It was as if she was staring into his eyes, but that wasn’t the case. He took a few moments to try and place her face anywhere in his mind, but he couldn’t. He knew, he had never met her before.   
‘No, I don’t think I have.’ He told her slowly. He moved back away from the glass, resting his weight behind him on his arms.   
‘You know, I can’t see you, but I can feel you staring. Can you stop?’ she whined slightly, the corners of her lips twitching again.   
‘Ok fine, but I wasn’t staring.’ He replied with a smirk.   
‘Yes, you were.’ She grinned, bigger than she had all night. ‘Pervert.’ She teased, and he had to laugh.   
He was taken with her, but not in a sexual way. He felt protective of her, she was sweet and different. He could feel it in his heart that they could be close friends, and a close friend is what he needed.   
‘It’s not my fault the gods have let me see you and you can’t see me.’ He fought back with a chuckle.   
She sat back on her arms, imitating his own posture, before she obviously decides it is uncomfortable and twists to lay on her side facing him. Without thinking about it Taemin does the same, crawling onto his side and facing her.   
‘I wish I knew what this whole dream was about.’ She said softly, her voice travelling into the distance, he knew she was about to leave.   
‘Don’t go yet.’ He begged knowing there was no way to stop her from waking up.   
In the blink of an eye she was gone, as was the mirror in front of him, magically disappearing into the abys.  
‘Jennifer?’ He called hauling himself up. Only the silence of the room rang back.   
He huffed as he threw himself backwards. It was frustrating being here, getting to know someone and they would just disappear constantly. 

 

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Taemin woke up with tears clinging to his face. He fought with the bedsheets as he got himself up and dragged himself to the bathroom.   
He took a hard look at himself in the mirror. He was unsettled, why was he crying? Remembering the story Jennifer told him about herself tore at him, but he was sure he wouldn’t feel so sad waking up. Splashing water on his face and getting ready for his day his mind went into over drive remembering the details about her as he finally got to see her.   
He was sure that if he had been speaking to a guy he would feel the same. She was beautiful, but he wasn’t attracted to her. This was a different sort of feeling he was certain. It was comfortable speaking to her, gaining a friend, someone who he could share things with that he didn’t want to share with anyone else. He was definite that had to be why he felt the way he did.   
Briefly remembering how she had told him she wanted to end her life, the sadness that he’d been holding in, came out, flooding his chest. It was indescribable to hear that from someone who clearly had a lot of love inside them. It reminded him of Jonghyun, how he wished he could have saved him, could have done more maybe, but it was useless to think that way. He missed him terribly and wondered for the tiniest of moments if Jonghyun had anything to do with why Taemin kept meeting this girl in the white room. It comforted Taemin to think that Jonghyun would want Taemin to help someone going through something similar.   
Taemin continued with his life as best he could since becoming accustomed to going into the white room every night. He didn’t tell anyone about it, fearing he would sound crazy, he was sure people would tell him he was working too hard and needed a break after everything that had happened over the past year.   
He didn’t want a break. He enjoyed working, it kept him focused and his brain full. If he stopped he had too much time to think about things, and he didn’t really like the silence.   
He met Jennifer again and again, and she seemed better each time they met. She never cried again, but he never saw her again either. The mirror from that night never appeared for them again, and she never told him she could see him. Jennifer never spoke again about how she felt, how depressed she was, not for Taemin’s lack of trying to get her too though. He was careful with his words so not to upset her, and he tried to get her to open more. She did at times, she would tell him little bits, about her previous life with her fiancé, before it all went to hell for her. Ridiculous things about how her fiancé would leave everything down to her in his own country and how she had to figure it out for herself. How he never worked and would fight with her over the stupidest things. Taemin would cringe with each story she told, praying for her to meet someone new, better, who could give her the love and protection she hadn’t experienced before. Occasionally he would imagine he could give her that love himself, in a strictly platonic way though, and the thought that if he met her, he would like to think he could help her.   
She would occasionally tell him how lonely she was so far away from her family in Ireland, but how she tried going back home and she couldn’t stand it being with them, her heart was in Asia. She felt like she didn’t belong anywhere any more, and Taemin had the sneaking feeling that she felt needed in her green room with him. Somehow, she was wanted somewhere, even if it was only in her dreams, and he felt glad that he was helping her in some way.   
He didn’t realise how much he was becoming reliant on the meetings he had with her in the white room himself, until one night, after over a month of meeting every night she didn’t come.   
He was alone in the room, singing, waiting, expecting her to arrive at any moment. The time wore on, and though he wasn’t strictly aware of the time in the room, he knew by feeling he had been in there alone without her for longer than he ever had before.   
Laying on his side he waited, and he waited. Pushing the worry he felt to the back of his mind, he shifted around trying to get comfortable. If she wasn’t there, then she hadn’t fallen asleep, but who doesn’t fall asleep? He wondered if maybe she had an accident, and maybe being unconscious was different to her being asleep, stopping her from coming to the room. He began to long for her, similar in the way he did when he first came to the room. He missed her so much his head and his heart were aching. 

Opening his eyes to the sunlight of the next morning filtering through his windows, he wondered if it was all over. If they had somehow found a way out of the room.   
Shaking his head, he went to his bathroom. That was stupid. He was still in the room himself, so he obviously had not found a way out, but Jennifer hadn’t appeared, the whole night. For the first time since he began to visit the room he felt tired.   
Every night he spent in there with her, he expected every morning to wake up exhausted, after remembering every detail of his dream. But not once had he woken up feeling that way. He felt refreshed, every morning, like he had the sleep of a baby through the night, and only now the feeling was replaced with exhaustion did he realise how good he had been sleeping these past few months. Something that had been alluding him for a while now.   
In the middle of his shower his blood ran cold. What if after all this time he hadn’t managed to help her? What if she didn’t come because she couldn’t come. What if she had taken her own life?   
He was rooted to the spot as the warm water from his shower cascaded over him. He knew the water was hot, but his skin felt cold. She couldn’t have, could she? Would she was the real question?   
He could not relax all day. His shoulders were constantly tense, he felt like he was always holding hiss breath, which was ridiculous. He didn’t know her, not in real life, he didn’t know anyone who did know her, as he realised that he felt he should try to find her. But where? How? He didn’t know anything about her other than her first name and her job. It didn’t exactly narrow it down for him.   
Several times throughout the day he kept trying to shake the thought of finding her off him. She was only a dream, for all he knew he was experiencing some kind of wild hallucination that he hadn’t heard about and she was completely imaginary. Each time he told himself she wasn’t real an annoying voice in the back of his head kept telling him he was wrong. Even if she was real, it wasn’t that he didn’t care about her wellbeing but what could he realistically do? The answer he knew was nothing.   
He crawled into bed that night tired, completely exhausted and for the first time in a long time apprehensive. He was scared both of going to the white room and of not going to it. If she wasn’t there again what would he do? If he didn’t go what did that mean? Was it all over? 

Before opening his eyes, he could smell the flowers and coconut scent. He knew he was back in the white room.   
He couldn’t decide if he felt relieved or not. Keeping his eyes closed he strained his ears for any sound of her. Locating the sound of breathing his eyes flew open.   
The room was a different colour tonight. It was no longer a bright white but had a pinky red hue about it. It had two deep red arm chairs positioned just in front of him. One of them occupied by Jonghyun.   
With his mouth open, he couldn’t think. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes before he had time to process who was sat in front of him.   
His friend looked the same as he remembered him, he had a healthy, glowing look to him. Wearing a white suit, his hair natural and soft. He was smiling broadly just like he used to as he watched Taemin carefully.   
‘Jonghyun,’ Taemin breathed out finally as his brain caught up with his eyes. He scrambled to get up running and flinging his arms around his neck. He smelt the same as he remembered, felt the same in his arms as Jonghyun hugged him back tenderly. The tears were falling freely for Taemin as he clung to him, not wanting to let go.   
‘Hi Buddy.’ Jonghyun spoke softly, not breaking their embrace.   
Taemin reluctantly broke the contact between them, pulling back to take him in. Jonghyun’s bright face was smiling at him soothingly, waiting patiently for Taemin.   
‘You… you’re…. I miss you so much.’ Taemin choked on his words, he didn’t know what to say.  
‘I know, I miss you too.’ Jonghyun smiled sadly at him.   
Taemin was still crying, though he wasn’t aware of it. His mind was in overdrive with questions, his heart overflowing with emotions. Logic started to filter into his brain as he realised what was happening.   
‘This is not real? This has been just a dream the whole time?’ He asked him. Jonghyun was gone, as much as he cried, as much as it hurt, he knew that this had to be happening only in his mind.   
‘Technically?’ Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow with a smile at Taemin. His hands were still on Taemin’s shoulders, steading him. He gently pulled him up off the floor, guiding him into the seat opposite to his own.   
‘Technically I suppose it is a dream.’ He smiled softly, waiting for Taemin to process his words.   
‘What does that mean?’ Taemin pressed greedily, wanting more answers.   
‘Just because it’s a dream doesn’t mean it isn’t real.’ Jonghyun smiled back.   
‘So it is real?’ Taemin asked his heart beating wildly.   
‘In a sense.’ Jonghyun told him kindly. ‘I am sorry Taemin, for leaving. I know you understand.’   
Taemin nodded sadly, swallowing back a sob. He did understand, though he went through every emotion from anger to despair as his grief raged through everything, he quietly did understand.   
‘It was just harder for me, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I know you are all ok though, and I want you to know it doesn’t hurt anymore. I don’t hurt anymore.’ Jonghyun continued with his same soft tone and gentle smile.   
‘I wish I could have done more, we all wish we could have done more, something...’ Taemin began desperately, the guilt he felt mixed with his grief seeping over.   
Jonghyun shook his head as he placed his hand on Taemin’s shoulder.   
‘You couldn’t. No one could. It isn’t your fault, or anyone else’s.’ Jonghyun explained. Taemin knew. He knew his friend well enough that the explanation wasn’t necessary, but it did make him feel lighter none the less.   
‘We all miss you.’ Taemin choked staring at him, still at a loss.   
‘I miss you too. But I am always with you, with all of you. Don’t forget that.’ Jonghyun smiled at his little brother. ‘I am so proud of you Taemin, who you have become, who you are. Don’t forget to be happy.’ He held Taemin’s gaze as he spoke.   
‘You weren’t happy.’ Taemin whispered.   
Jonghyun smiled with a simple shake of his head.   
‘Are you happy now?’ He asked him with trepidation.   
‘I’m at peace now. It doesn’t hurt.’ Jonghyun continued to smile.   
Taemin nodded, it settled him to hear those words from his friend.   
‘Why are we here?’ Taemin asked, his eyes taking in the pink hue.   
‘When I arrived I was given, options.’ Jonghyun spoke slowly, giving Taemin enough time to take in his words. ‘I get to help people. And happy for me, that means you.’ Jonghyun’s smile broadened to a grin, the same old Jonghyun.   
‘Me why me? I’m ok.’ Taemin frowned, he was confused.   
Jonghyun surveyed him for a few seconds before continuing.   
‘You are the strongest person I know. You work so hard, and you are so focused, but you forget to enjoy yourself. You are young and have so much to give the world. So much to give to so many people.’   
Taemin stayed silent as he listened hanging onto every word.   
‘I don’t want you to fall into sadness. I don’t want you to forget to live. Working and giving everything of yourself for people is ok, but you also need to be loved, be happy.’ Jonghyun explained.   
‘I am…’ Taemin started.   
‘True happiness. People ask people about their careers, about their houses, their possessions, but no one ever asks if someone is just happy, so many people with so much are so unhappy. They forget to let people close enough to love them.’ Jonghyun continued tenderly.   
‘That’s why you’re here? To make sure I am happy?’ Taemin questioned.   
‘You have the most dedication, you give more of yourself than anyone I know. I wanted to help you, bring you together.’ Jonghyun explained.   
‘Bring us together?’ Taemin repeated just as confused as before. Then it dawned on him. ‘Jennifer? That was you? You? But how?’   
‘The how isn’t important. But yes, I was able to arrange this for you. You needed it, and she needs it. She needs you Taemin.’ Jonghyun’s face changed, his smile faltered slightly, becoming more serious.   
‘She is vulnerable. So lost.’ Jonghyun closed his eyes as a tear trickled down the side of his face. ‘She is so close to the edge, so like me in many ways. She needs someone like you to help her.’   
‘But how can I help her? I don’t know how to find her. If I couldn’t help you then how can I help her?’ Taemin frowned, he began to get impatient, as if Jonghyun hadn’t thought this through.   
‘You will. It’s your fate.’ Jonghyun said simply with a dark smile. Taemin’s eyebrows were at risk of meshing together completely as his confusion deepened.   
‘How though? How can I help her?’ Taemin asked.   
‘She can be saved. I could not. But she can. I chose this way to help people who could be saved.’   
‘What is this way?’ Taemin asked.   
‘I guess like a guardian angel?’ Jonghyun explained with a chuckle. Taemin smiled back deeply, the though of Jonghyun being a guardian angel fit him somehow.   
‘Are you mine then?’ Taemin asked, with his eyes wide and his heart racing.   
‘Of course, and everyone else I love. We all are.’ Jonghyun explained grinning widely again.   
‘We?’ Taemin pressed.   
‘Everyone you have ever loved and lost is with you, all the time.’ Jonghyun explained simply in the same frustratingly vague way.   
‘You can’t tell me exactly.’ Taemin pointed out with a grin.   
‘No,’ Jonghyun laughed.   
Taemin had expected that answer. He wasn’t sure what he believed about the afterlife. If it existed, if he would see his loved ones again. But being in this dream, talking with Jonghyun who looked and sounded exactly the same telling him things he felt he needed to hear, he didn’t care what was true if it meant seeing him again.   
‘Our time is nearly up.’ Jonghyun stated standing up from the arm chair.   
‘Wait so soon?’ Taemin shot up next to him.   
‘It’s all I can tell you Taemin. I wish I had more time.’ Jonghyun smiled at him as he placed both hands on his shoulders.   
‘I don’t want you to go.’ Taemin sobbed, his heart breaking at the thought he had to let him go again.   
‘I know. But I am always with you ok? Don’t forget what I have told you. I love you Taemin.’ Jonghyun spoke gently pulling Taemin closer into his arms to hug him.   
Taemin clung to him. Not wanting to let go, not wanting his time with him to be over.   
‘I love you brother.’ Taemin whispered back, fighting the sob that was threatening to escape him.   
‘I am always with you.’ Jonghyun whispered and then he was gone. 

 

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Taemin woke up in the dark. His chest and his head sore and aching with longing. He had not returned to the white room after Jonghyun disappeared, and as far as he was aware, he woke up almost instantly.   
He could still smell Jonghyun and hear his voice as clearly as if he had just been next to him. He threw himself back down into his pillows with a deep groan, he missed him so much it hurt.   
Looking around for his phone, the screen practically blinded him as he turned it on, seeing it was 4am. Too early to wake up, and yet Taemin was certain that he could not go back to sleep. He decided to get up, get himself a drink and think about what he just experienced.   
He thought about calling one of the other guys, or someone he knew who had also experienced a dream of Jonghyun after he passed. Pondering over what he should do he began to think about Jonghyun’s reasoning for the dream, about Jennifer. Worry set in, so he made his way to his computer, in a desperate and somewhat pathetic attempt to find her.   
He knew at least her first name, and she was a make up artist with her own shop in Singapore. So that’s what he searched. Typing with shaking fingers and scrolling for what seemed like hours his search didn’t return much hope. At one point he thought he might have found her, but after seeing a picture of the owner of the shop owner he knew it wasn’t her. He decided to give it up as impossible when he saw a link, possibly the only link he hadn’t clicked on yet and pressed it, thinking if it didn’t return anything he would give up his search for the night.   
The link took him to a website for a salon in downtown Singapore. A very professional looking page came up with the name ‘súile glas’. He scanned over the page, taking in some of the words he recognised. Scrolling down he translated some of the page, to better be able to navigate the website. Clicking on the link titled ‘About us’ he was faced with a picture of Jennifer. She was laughing, her eyes screwed up the way you do when your laughing about something deeply. She had pink hair, and although he couldn’t see her eyes he knew it was her. Her lips and nose were exactly the same, she had a few beauty marks on her face in exactly the same places he remembered. He read the blurb that was there about her. Jennifer Shae, 29, originally from Ireland, started the business 4 years ago. She had a list of awards her team had won.   
Scrolling down he saw more pictures of her with her staff, it seemed to be a small place, with a hair stylist and what looked to be a therapist. She was stood with them both to either side of her, wearing a simple yet sophisticated suit, winking playfully at the camera.   
He stared at the photos, he couldn’t believe he had found her, and relatively quickly compared to what he was expecting, it was impossible to think it was that easy. He looked over the contact page, there was an email address, and a telephone number for the shop. Hovering, he wondered what he should do. If he should call, though obviously not at that very moment, or if he should wait. If he should call her at all, maybe he had seen her somewhere before, maybe his dream was all a dream?   
After some debating, he took his phone out of his pocket, noting the number down, telling himself he would figure out what to do with it later. Maybe it was good to just have as a backup. Just in case.   
He turned his attentions back to the website and realised the name had changed with his translation of the page. It means ‘Green eyes.’ He laughed to himself. That’s definitely her he thought.   
Checking the clock it was now 5.46am. He didn’t have to be awake early, and even though he was apprehensive he knew he had to go back to sleep. 

His eyes flew open as he realised he was back in the white room. The mirror was back to his left, sitting up, he took in the form of Jennifer sitting there, hugging her legs, rocking herself back and forth.   
‘Hey,’ Taemin sighed, relieved as he saw she was ok.   
She twisted her head around to face him, her eyes landing on him, and he knew, for the first time, she could see him. She inhaled a little, with her lips parted, as her eyes travelled over him. He felt nervous somehow, in a way he didn’t expect to feel. He regularly had thousands of people’s eyes on him all the time but watching her take him in felt different.   
‘Hi,’ she smiled as her eyes found his again.   
‘You can see me now?’ He asked her, his brow furrowed slightly, but a smile playing around his lips.   
Her smile turned into a wide grin. ‘Yeah,’ she whispered timidly. She sounded exactly how he felt, and he couldn’t help but snort with laughter about it.   
‘What’s so funny?’ she asked, her eyes contracting somewhat with her confusion.   
‘Nothing,’ he told her shaking his head. ‘It’s just I didn’t expect to feel, nervous when you saw me, and your voice, sounds like how I feel.’ He told her honestly.   
For a second her face was completely passive, but then she too burst out into laughter.   
‘It’s weird, I could picture you, but seeing you is different.’ She told him at last. It was obvious she was trying not to stare at him but was unable to help herself.   
‘I know, I felt like that too.’ He nodded with a smirk. He found he liked her staring, unable to take her eyes off him.   
‘I was worried about you, when I didn’t see you yesterday.’ He told her suddenly remembering his feeling of concern, not being ashamed of what he was saying.   
A blush began to leak into her cheeks gently as he surveyed him. He tilted his head to hear what happened.   
‘I’m sorry,’ she told him, quietly.   
‘What happened to you?’ he asked, even more muddled than she was. He shuffled himself closer to the glass.   
‘I couldn’t sleep. I tried everything to sleep and I just couldn’t. It was like my brain was blocked and wouldn’t allow me to sleep.’ Her eyebrows faintly contracted together. She seemed just as mystified as to why she wasn’t there as he was.   
‘Then I was able to sleep today, but you didn’t come. Not for a long time.’ She told him, her head tilted in a similar way as his was while he observed her.   
‘I’m sorry … I …’ he began to explain but his words failed him, remembering Jonghyun and how he felt seeing him. Hot tears unfairly began to fall from his eyes.   
‘Oh Taemin,’ she sighed, beautiful and heart-rending. As if her heart was breaking for him. It didn’t help how he felt, as his tears turned into sobs. He put his head down trying to get himself together, hugging himself tightly around his knees.   
‘It’s ok,’ she whispered, placing her hand on his shoulder.   
He didn’t notice she was touching him as he cried harder, the warmth of her hand seemed to show him what he had been missing, someone to hold him. He leaned instinctively into her as he cried harder, his grief he had been holding back seemed to be coming out and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.   
She reached her small arms around his shoulders as best she could, leaning into him as he rested back into her, needing the comfort her arms gave.   
‘It’s ok, it’s ok,’ she repeated in a consolingly gentle tone. She rubbed at his back in soft circles. He broke out of his hold of hugging his own knees, without thinking, his arms wrapped around her middle. She was sitting on her knees facing him, his head still bowed, he hugged her tightly to him as he sobbed into her. Like a baby clinging onto it’s mother. She stroked his back, the back of his head, cooing to him it was ok, but never once telling him not to cry. He didn’t realise it yet, but that was what he needed, instead of someone telling him not to cry, someone to just tell him it was ok to.   
He didn’t know how long he cried for, she didn’t know how long she sat there, holding onto him rocking him gently as he wept. It was a long time before his tears seemed to dry and his voice began to return.   
‘I saw Jonghyun.’ He told her with a croaky voice. ‘He was here … he told me … he said he was at peace now.’ Taemin’s voice trailed off becoming dreamlike as he mumbled half of the story into her.   
She sighed, though not very loud, he felt her breath leaving her before he heard it. His head pressed on her chest.   
‘That’s a good thing, if he told you he was at peace.’ She said softly. Her hands were on the back on his head, stroking his hair tenderly, motherly. ‘You know he’s ok now.’  
‘Yeah…’ he said blankly, blinking the last of the tears away and sniffling. ‘I just miss him so much.’ He moaned, barely suppressing the last sob in his throat.   
‘I know you do. I bet he said he missed you too?’ She asked kindly.   
He nodded awkwardly, his arms were still tightly around her waist, his fingers holding firmly onto the excess material of her shirt.   
‘Love knows no boundaries, not time, space or death. It’s the only thing that will move across all planes.’ She told him, somewhat profoundly.   
He leaned back, looking up at her as she spoke, almost entranced by her words.   
‘It’s the only thing I know for sure about life.’ She smiled down at him sadly. She really did have a nice face, his brain thought bizarrely in the midst of his grief.  
He was somehow comforted by those words, as he had been reassured by Jonghyun when he told him the things he needed to hear. In that second, he realised Jennifer sort of reminded him of his friend, and he could see why Jonghyun had told Taemin she was similar to him, why he needed to help her.   
It was then he realised that they were touching for the first time. His eyes widened up at her, his mouth slightly open, he let his grip on her fall, embarrassed by how hard he had been clinging onto her.   
‘The mirror,’ he asked unable to truly form what he was thinking into a full sentence.   
‘I don’t know,’ she shook her head, turning to look over her shoulder. His eyes followed hers, the mirror was still there, still green.   
‘You were so sad, I reached out to the glass and I could just touch you. It was like there was no barrier.’ She explained though she was obviously as confused as him.   
He reached out his own hand, and where he expected to feel the glass, there was nothing but air. Turning his attention back to Jennifer, he noticed she shuffled around a little, looking as if she were embarrassed by how she held him while he was crying.   
Without thinking he pulled her by her shoulders into his arms. Holding her closely to him, she awkwardly put her arms back around him.   
‘I was so worried about you too. Don’t you ever leave. Don’t you ever do what Jonghyun did.’ He told her firmly. He couldn’t witness someone else doing that, and this is what Jonghyun wanted, he wanted Taemin to save her. Taemin knew this is what she needed. He needed the hug and touch of someone to help him let out his feelings, he knew by instinct she must need the same. Holding her close to him, he wondered briefly how often she got someone to just give her the comfort of a hug in this way.   
She didn’t cry. She didn’t sob, but by the way her tiny hands grasped at his neck he knew it was working.   
‘Thank you.’ She whispered softly in his ear after she released her hold, and he obliged, letting her go.   
‘Do you think this means, we won’t come back here now?’ she asked him with wide, fearful eyes.   
‘What do you mean?’ he asked narrowing his eyes at her as she settled back on the floor, resting her chest onto her knees.   
‘We seem to have broken the barrier. We couldn’t see each other, then you could see me, then I could see you, now we are next to each other. It’s like we’ve gone through these steps. I’m wondering when it’s going to be over, if by doing this means we won’t come back here.’ She explained, her soft Irish accent sounding uneasy as she spoke.   
He looked at her for the longest time. He relied on his feelings to guide him here more than anything else, and his feelings told him no, they would still return here. But her tone made him fearful, as if she knew something he didn’t.   
‘I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think there’s something else. A door to find or something.’ He said with a smile, trying to sound surer than he felt.   
Her smile was grateful as she watched him closely. He was about to tell her what Jonghyun had told him, when he decided to hold back. Not entirely sure why, he didn’t want to scare her, or allow her to think of herself as weak.   
‘I’m tired.’ He told her, though he wasn’t sure why. He was, but in this room, he also wasn’t tired at all. It was more like his brain was tired, and his heart.   
‘Lay down.’ She instructed him. Without thinking, he shuffled up to her, and forced her legs down, so he could snuggle his head in her lap. It didn’t occur to him it would seem strange, he didn’t seem to have any inhibitions in this room, and he wanted to be close to her, she reassured him.   
She did not complain or make a joke as he settled himself on her. She took his head in her lap, and stroked his hair, while he closed his eyes. It became one of their comfortable silences. Neither needed to speak, being near to each other was enough. Not once did she complain he was heavy, if she was uncomfortable with his position or not. He curled himself up, wrapping an arm around her loosely.   
She knew he needed the comfort, he could sense it without having to check. Her smell of rose and coco lulled him. His breathing became slow and even and before he knew it, he was sleeping.


	2. Chapter 2

Taemin was running late the next day for a meeting with his managers even tough the meeting was not set early. He had managed to sleep until 10am which was unusual for him, but he hated being late.   
In his first meeting with his managers that day he was told of a last-minute project that had asked for his participation.   
‘They’re trying to build up a bigger following. An artist from Indonesia pulled out at the last minute and they have been frantic calling us to send another artist. Exo have been booked on for a while.’ His manager explained looking over the paperwork.   
It was a music TV show. Nothing overly special, just a mid- evening show for teens to see their favourite performers from all over Asia. Taemin’s manager read through a list of artists who would also be there. People from China, Thailand, India, Malaysia and if he agreed him.   
Usually Taemin wasn’t a fan of last-minute things. He was looking forward to an easier week than usual. With his schedule so hectic all the time and planned out months in advance with little or no say on what he gets to do from him, he was about to tell his manager he really wasn’t up for it.   
‘It’s going to be broadcast on the cable channels to all of Asia. This will be the first show and it will be filmed in Singapore.’ His manager didn’t lift his eyes as he read through the terms the company had sent them.   
Singapore. Taemin had nothing scheduled for him to go to Singapore for at least a year with the rest of the guys, he had given up his hope of him being in Singapore before he even seriously considered it when he thought of Jennifer. Now it seemed like fate was playing a part in him seeing her, hopefully in person.   
Taemin snapped his head up to look at the manager who was still bent over the papers, almost ignoring him.   
‘I’ll do it.’ Taemin said a little too quickly, causing the manager to snap his head up and eye him suspiciously.   
‘You’re not usually up for last minute deals.’ He told him slowly.   
Taemin shrugged trying to act nonchalant about it. ‘If we can go why not, it’ll be good for me.’   
His manager eyed an assistant across the table, not unnoticed by Taemin.   
‘We’ll be able to tag into Exo’s crew, so it shouldn’t be a big issue.’ The manager said slowly, explaining things to Taemin. ‘Are you sure you don’t want the break?’  
‘Ok, it’ll be fine.’ Taemin said, struggling to keep his voice level. ‘But make sure we stay at least two days. I’m not going to be any use to you if you make me fly back straight away.’ His manager nodded and continued with the rest of the meeting.   
Taemin’s mind was already wondering though with the possibilities and the excitement of telling Jennifer later that night. He pondered over how he would get the chance to meet her. Maybe he would check back on her website for an address to her salon or give her a call when he was there. He tried and failed not to think about it too much, deciding that when he told her that night she would have an idea, maybe she could come, he assumed they would be filmed in front of an audience, so it wasn’t a crazy idea.   
With his meeting finished he was walking down the halls of the building in his own world. His mind was too full of the strange things that were happening in his dreams, when he bumped almost head first into someone.   
It was Baekhyun, who by the looks of it also hadn’t seen Taemin coming, lost in his own world.   
‘Oh sorry Taemin,’ he smiled kindly, giving him the same look everyone seemed to these days.   
‘It’ ok.’ Taemin smiled back, stepping to move around him.   
‘Are you ok? Baekhyun asked him, stopping him from moving forward. He was looking at him so curiously, Taemin assumed that he must have worry written on his face.   
‘Yeah just didn’t sleep well, I don’t know if I’m coming or going.’ Taemin tried to laugh it off. He liked Baekhyun a lot, but he wasn’t comfortable going into details of his feelings with him.   
‘Ok,’ Baekhyun quipped in his usual cheery voice before continuing down the hallway with his business. He turned and looked back at Baekhyun. He wondered about him, since his break up with Taeyeon, he wasn’t quite the same. Thinking about how everyone hid their real feelings most of the time, he wondered if he should make more of an effort with Baekhyun at some point.  
Taemin made his way downstairs, intending to give someone a call to see if they wanted to have lunch with him. He knew Key was out of the country at the moment, he wasn’t sure he could explain what he wanted to Minho nor Jinki either.   
He flipped through his phone, deciding really there was only one person to talk to.   
‘Jongin, are you free? Want to have lunch?’ Taemin spoke as soon as his friend answered him.   
‘Sure I have an hour or so, usual place?’ Jongin spoke back.   
‘Sure see you there in 10.’ Taemin said ending the call.   
He made his way to their favourite restaurant, not too far away from work, and usually very private.   
He didn’t have to wait long for Jongin to arrive, as he ordered his usual meal and waited for his drink to arrive.   
‘What’s up?’ Jongin said as he sat himself down next to him.   
‘Not a lot, how are you?’ Taemin said beating around the bush.   
‘Shut up I know when you have something on your mind. I can hear it in your voice. What’s going on?’ Jongin asked, giving him that look Taemin knew all too well. This was why he called Jongin.   
‘I…’ he wasn’t sure how to explain or what he wanted to explain.   
‘I had a dream,’ He finished lamely. Jongin looked at him with an impassive face, waiting for him to explain.   
‘I had a dream of Jonghyun.’ He said quietly.   
Jongin’s eyes widened ever slow slightly. ‘Ok?’ He asked, telling Taemin to continue.   
‘It seemed so real.’ Taemin began, explaining how he felt in the room, how real the whole thing seemed, less like a dream and more like, some kind of alternate universe. He told him what he had said to him, minus the part about Jennifer and how he felt about the whole thing.   
Their food arrived in the middle of Taemin’s story and they began to eat as he continued to explain. Jongin the whole time remained silent, letting him speak.   
‘Maybe I’m just wishing for the impossible.’ Taemin finished, lamely.   
Jongin frowned at him before he spoke. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know what I believe what is science and science fiction, either way it seemed you needed to speak to him. You’ve been holding the grief in.’ Jongin told him in a kind tone.   
Taemin was a little taken back. He didn’t think Jongin thought he had been holding his grief in, he didn’t realise he had himself.   
‘I know they offered us counselling and it worked ok for Key, but I just don’t think that’s for me.’ Taemin said.   
‘It doesn’t have to be the only way, but maybe this is helping you somehow, like the brain doing what it needs to heal.’ Jongin told him.   
‘So you think it is just a dream?’ Taemin asked apprehensively. If Jongin thought it was, then it meant Jennifer was a dream too. Which to him seemed just as unlikely.   
‘You should speak to Leeteuk.’ Jongin said profoundly. ‘He had a dream Jonghyun visited him too.’   
Taemin stared at him. This was something he did not know. ‘Really?’ He asked tepidly.   
Nodding Jongin asked him, ‘Is there something else? You’re not telling me something.’ Jongin took the last bit of meat on the grill, eyeing him.   
Taemin sighed, knowing he should tell someone, but he feared even Jongin would think he was crazy.   
‘Come on.’ Jongin pressed him giving him a nudge.   
‘Ok, so, remember, a few months ago, I asked you and Jimin about having the same dream?’ Taemin decided best to start there. Nodding back at him Taemin continued.   
‘I’ve been having the same dream since then. Kind of, it’s not exactly the same dream. I go to the same place. Every night, as soon as I fall asleep I’m always in this white room.’ He explained, searching Jongin’s face for anything that would make him feel better.   
Jongin smiled and nodded for him to keep going. He knew that was not all of the story.   
‘Ok, so when I first dreamt of this place, there was a voice, a girl’s voice talking back to me. So now every time I dream about it, I talk to her. Every night. Never about the same things, so it’s not technically the same dream.’ Taemin said in one breath, unsure if he even made sense.   
Jongin’s surprised face was evident, though he did not make a joke or tease Taemin. He knew he thought this was serious.   
‘So you talk to the same girl every night about different things?’ Jongin asked slowly.   
‘Yes, sometimes we talk about me, sometimes we talk about her. She’s in Singapore.’ He mumbled feeling stupid.   
‘She’s from Singapore, is she Chinese?’ Jongin asked with just the slightest hint of sarcasm.   
‘Ok if you’re going to make fun of me.’ Taemin huffed finishing his drink.   
‘No, no I’m not come on what else.’   
Taemin told him what he could of Jennifer, where she was really from, the things she told him about herself, the fact that she was obviously depressed and how he felt when he spoke to her.   
‘Jonghyun told me she needs my help, and I need hers.’ Taemin finished, fumbling with his fingers.   
Jongin leaned back in his seat, raising his arms up over his head, he watched Taemin carefully.   
‘And you think, she’s real? You’ve seen her now, hugged, and think she’s a real person?’ Jongin asked him to make sure though he was careful with his tone, but there was no sarcasm there anymore.   
‘She didn’t come one night. Then after I saw Jonghyun I woke up and couldn’t sleep again. I searched for her shop online.’ Taemin’s voice trailed, almost ashamed of what he was saying.   
‘And?’ Jongin pressed leaning forward.   
‘I found her.’ He said simply, flicking his eyes back up to his friend who obviously hadn’t expected Taemin to say that.   
‘Wow,’ he said simply.   
‘Now, I’ve been asked to go and perform in Singapore next week. When you all go for that TV thing.’ Taemin told him, casually as if he wasn’t trying to lead Jongin to where his thoughts were going.   
‘Oh you’re doing the TV show in Singapore too?’ Jongin asked getting off track. The look on Taemin’s face got him back on the topic at hand. ‘Ok, I mean it is strange that she is real. Are you absolutely sure you’ve never see her somewhere before? If she’s a make up artist we might have used her when you were there once, even just years ago?’ Jongin was searching for the logic that wasn’t apparent to Taemin to make sense of his dreams.   
‘No. Trust me I’ve tried to remember. She said she’s never met me.’ Taemin sighed, feeling frustrated at himself. He now felt stupid and ridiculous.   
‘Are you going to call her? When you’re there?’ Jongin asked. He seemed more eager to the reality of the situation than the dream.   
‘I don’t know if I should.’ Taemin said slowly. He had been thinking about this a lot.   
‘Why?’ Jongin frowned at him.   
‘Ok, so say it is all just a dream, in my mind, what if I call her and I’m like hey it’s Taemin and she’s like who? What? It’ll prove I’m just crazy.’ He sighed with frustration.   
‘Or it will prove you’re not.’ Jongin said, changing his attitude about the dream just being a dream.   
‘I don’t know Taemin, it’s weird for sure. But maybe don’t worry about it until you’re there and see how you feel. Maybe call and say it’s Taemin, and if she doesn’t recognise you say you’re checking prices for your girlfriend or something,’ Jongin shrugged with a smile.   
‘I was thinking, I would talk to her tonight, about the fact I’m going there...’ Taemin admitted quietly.   
‘I guess if you dream about her again that would work too.’ Jongin said. He was obviously dubious about the whole dream being real. Regardless Jongin had given Taemin an idea.   
Jongin left him feeling slightly, only slightly better about the whole situation. He had taken some of the burden off his shoulders and he felt he could better attack the rest of his busy and long day, now thank to the add pressure of an extra performance before heading home and going straight to bed. 

 

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In bed that night he was in the white room again. He was excited this time though, to talk to Jennifer about his trip to Singapore. In reality to meet her and check this was real.   
He arrived in the room and he waited, and he waited, he sang, and he danced to pass the time. He thought of what he would say, he thought of Jonghyun and before he knew it he had awoken to the sound of birds chirping outside his window in the new morning.   
Disappointed he threw himself into his day. Why was this happening again? Was she not sleeping again? Had something else happened to her? He was annoyed and frustrated as he banged his way to work and somehow made it through most of the day.   
He was given three days in Singapore, despite only being needed there for one day. This was unusual, but he was happy about the arrangement none the less. He wouldn’t be flying with Exo there though which bothered him. He was hoping to be able to spend a bit of time with Jongin on the way. But they had a busy schedule and would be there for a show, and then leaving the day before him.   
He was not envious of their schedule, it was gruelling right now for them. Since it was last minute he would be performing alone, without the dancers, as they were needed somewhere else, so it was literally just him and his manager on this trip.   
Still undecided about what he should do, he went to bed each night, waiting in the white room for Jennifer who never showed. Jonghyun never made another appearance either. It left him feeling alone and worried, and as the day came to leave for Singapore, he was pretty much a nervous wreck.   
His sleep was no good when she wasn’t there. He woke up feeling more tired than when he went to sleep, despite the fact he was sleeping enough hours.   
He landed in Singapore that evening. The flight having been uneventful and somewhat fitful for him, then accosted by fans at the airport, he threw himself down onto the hotel bed exhausted. His eyes had just closed when the phone in the room rang, making him jump up with a tiny yelp.   
‘Hello?’ he answered uneasily into the receiver.   
‘Hey, how was the flight?’ it was Jongin.   
Sighing with relief he told him, ‘Nothing special. How’s your day been?’ He asked him back.   
‘Tiring, lots of rehearsals.’ Jongin yawned as if to highlight his point. ‘Are you going to call her?’ He didn’t beat around the bush.   
Taemin settled himself back onto the bed pondering his answer. ‘I don’t know. She wasn’t in any of the dreams this week, even though I was always in that damn room.’ He exhaled heavily.   
‘I think you should call her. You’ve got time to see her if she’s really here, after tomorrows TV show.’ Jongin said, with a hint of excitement in his voice.   
‘You really think it’s a good idea?’ Taemin asked sceptical.   
‘Tae I … the past 6 months have been really hard on you, on everyone, but you’ve changed.’ Jongin paused before he continued. ‘Then you’ve been a little, I don’t know, happier the past few weeks? More like the old Taemin was coming back. If she is real, she’s helping you deal with everything. I think it’s worth a look into.’ Jongin finished with his honesty. He hadn’t told Taemin that before, he could hear the worry in his closest friend’s voice for him, he knew he was right.   
‘Yeah, I guess so.’ Taemin sighed, still a little uncomfortable.   
‘Oh is she cute?’ Jongin asked, with a grin in his voice.   
‘She’s ok. But I don’t really think about her like that. You know I’m not really interested in relationships.’ Taemin moaned at him. Jongin was always trying to fix him up with someone. It seemed like he had made it his life’s mission.   
‘Well just don’t rule it out. You never know.’ Jongin sighed, knowing it was a battle he was losing.   
As they said goodbye Taemin climbed into the bed, not looking forward to his sleep. He was expecting she wouldn’t be there again, and for the seventh night in a row he would wake up feeling exhausted. 

His eyes hadn’t opened yet as someone singing filtered into his brain. It was a sad song. Sung in a whisper of a voice.   
He turned to his left and the mirror was back, Jennifer sat in it, holding onto her knees, rocking back and forth, singing the song he had never heard before.   
The sigh of relief that escaped him surprised him. But she didn’t look up at him. She didn’t make a move to show him she had noticed he was there, she just kept rocking and singing.   
‘Jennifer?’ he asked gently. Though she didn’t move. It was like she couldn’t see him, she was in her own world.   
‘Jennifer!’ he tried again, louder, again nothing.   
Lifting himself on his knees he leaned forward, hoping the barrier of the mirror would let him through. He fell onto the glass, unable to get through. As his eyes took her in he realised she was crying as she was singing.   
With his lips parted he stared at her, she was hugging herself so tightly it ripped at his heart.   
I should be hugging her. The voice inside his mind told him decisively. I should be comforting her.   
She wiped at her face as the tears gently fell. She wasn’t sobbing but the flow of tears never stopped. Her face was agonisingly heartbroken. He could see the light in her eyes had gone, as she rocked and sang.   
‘I don’t want to go to you, I’m afraid I’m contagious, When I forget my tears and my sadness.’ She sang, he recognised the words, but he couldn’t place them.   
With both fists he knocked on the glass, trying to get her attention but again, she didn’t move a muscle.   
‘Jennifer! Please! Please!’ He screamed as loud as he could.   
Panic was bubbling up in his chest. If he didn’t get to her something bad would happen. He knew it in his bones, something awful was going to happen.   
‘I’m here listen to me. I’m here!’ He yelled as she continued to rock and sing.   
He couldn’t do anything but watch. It was tearing him apart, strangling him so he couldn’t breathe. Tears were falling down his own cheeks as he yelled and screamed for her to hear him. The only logical thing he could do was continue to bash at the glass in the hopes he could break through it.   
With his fists raised he went to swing at it again when the image in the mirror began to change. The air was swirling, cloudy like a thick fog, all around in the green room, creeping around her, slowly.   
‘No,’ he whispered as he realised what was about to happen. ‘NO!’ he yelled again, in a strangled cry in the nothing of the room he was trapped inside.  
Her eyes closed slowly, her singing stopped, and her body fell limply to the side. Her hair fell over the side of her face, her arms splayed out underneath her. She was not breathing. Silence rang like an alarm around him.   
‘No, no,’ he moaned, unable to take his eyes off her as the swirling fog encompassed her so he could no longer see her.   
He couldn’t help but sob. She had died, and he could not save her, he couldn’t break through the barrier and get to her in time. Hunched over on his knees his body shook uncontrollably with the pain he felt.   
The room changed again, the swirling fog vanished in the blink of an eye. Raising his head, hoping to see it was all a bad dream, she lay there, this time, her face uncovered, her lips slightly apart, her eyes closed. She was not in a green room anymore. She was laid on a wooden framed bed he didn’t recognise, in a dimly lit room. Smoke was sneaking under a door in the corner. She was absolutely dead. There was no mistaking it, the glow about her creamy gold skin had vanished, now a blue white chalky colour and lifeless. Her chest did not rise, eerily still and cold. He knew without touching her she was cold.  
‘I need you,’ he moaned as he wept, wrapping his arms around himself with his head pressed on the glass. ‘I need you, don’t go, I need you.’ He wanted to hold her. His instinct was to pick her up. He couldn’t just leave her there like that, alone, and empty.   
As he rocked himself, the barrier disappeared. Falling head first through it and almost knocking himself out, as he landed on the hardwood floor. He didn’t even think to question it as he ran to the bed side and reached out for her. As he predicted she was cold.   
A repressed moan in his throat escaped him like a howl. He could barely see for the tears clouding his vision. He pressed the back of his hand to her cheek, stroking her face, then taking her in both arms. He knew he couldn’t bring her back to life, even if he knew CPR or mouth to mouth it wouldn’t help her now. He lifted her into his arms, awkwardly, even though she was so small. Her lifeless arms lolled by his sides as he hugged her close to him, sobbing with every ounce of his soul.   
He had the overwhelming feeling of failure. He had failed her, and by extension failed himself. He didn’t know why he felt so strongly, so upset. He didn’t question the pain that consumed him, accepting everything as truth.   
It might have been hours, or days before his sobbing began to subside. He relented his grip on her, looking down at her face.   
Her face was so sweet. It was comforting to look at her and take in as many things as he could about it. How one of her eyebrows was slightly different to the other, arched slightly higher. Her eyelashes were long and dark, but sparse making them look wispier, as if she were a china doll. Her nose was pierced with a single stud, something he hadn’t noticed before, and her ears had 4 piercings in each ear. Not only did she have a beauty spot under her eye and by her lip but one on the side of her face too. It was not logical as he stared down at her lifeless form in his arms, but it made sense to him to remember every tiny detail he could about her face.  
If she wasn’t so cold in his arms, he would think she was sleeping, except for the sallowness of her skin that is.   
Looking down into her face, he had the insane thought to kiss her. Her lips looked soft and full, and it made him feel like he was giving her love, something she needed. He didn’t think of any consequences, he didn’t think how strange it was, he bent his head placing his lips gently on hers, he kissed her softly.

 

Taemin woke up in a cold sweat. Panting heavily, he twisted around in the bed, making sure he was alone, before checking the clock.   
6.26am. He took a few deep breaths to orientate himself adjusting to where he was. Realising he was shaking from his dream, he sat up, rubbing his face, noticing the tears that had clung to his face, he stared at his hands. It all seemed so real, Jennifer dead in his arms like that. Breathing deeply, he tried desperately to make sense of it all. Why had he seen that? Was she really dead? No. He decided she couldn’t be, not from his dream, it was impossible.   
Shaking his head he ran his shaking fingers through his hair, getting up to splash some cold water on his face. His heart was still racing with adrenaline, the powerful feeling he had to save her, to stop her weighed on his mind.   
He stared at himself for a long time in the mirror. He had to call her shop. That was the only thing that would make him feel better, he would have to call and just make sure she was there.   
It was now almost 7am. He was sure no one would be there at this time, but the need to try overruled him. Going back into the bedroom he found his phone and dialled.   
It rang out. He had expected it and yet it didn’t make him feel any better. He had to be at the studio at 10am, so he had time to shower and eat before he would be driven there. Flipping on the TV he tried his best to distract himself before giving up quickly and showering.   
As he dried himself and dressed he decided to call Jongin, ask him to have breakfast with him and tell him what he had seen. He knew he would probably find him insane but going out of his mind with worry wasn’t going to do him any good either.   
‘Jongin?’ He said eagerly into the phone as soon as someone answered.   
‘No Kyungsoo.’ Kyungsoo yawned back at him. ‘Taemin?’ He asked registering his voice.   
‘Yeah sorry it’s early.’ He looked at the clock now reading 7.45am. ‘Is Jongin there?’ He asked.   
‘Sure,’ Kyungsoo said solemnly, handing the receiver over.   
‘Tae?’ A tired Jongin came on the line.   
‘Jongin, can we have breakfast together? I need to talk.’ Taemin’s words rushed out.   
‘Ugh ok. Give me 10 minutes.’ Jongin yawned back.   
10 minutes later Taemin was pacing in front of Jongin’s room, having knocked twice already waiting for him to appear.   
‘Ok, ok.’ Jongin said as he finally answered the door. ‘Hold on.’   
‘Hey Taemin.’ Kyungsoo shouted from the depths of the room.  
‘Hey,’ Taemin shouted back distractedly. It didn’t look like he was joining them, which Taemin was silently thankful for. He didn’t need the audience.   
‘Ok let’s go.’ Jongin said, zipping up his hoodie and placing a cap on his head.   
They walked quickly in silence towards the elevator. Taemin was edgy and he could tell it didn’t go unnoticed by Jongin.   
‘What’s wrong with you?’ He asked him, giving him an appraising look as they waited in the elevator to descend to the right floor.   
‘Let’s sit down first.’ Taemin said, he was still going through his thoughts before he could tell him.   
They entered the large dining hall, thankful to find few other people were there at this time.   
Jongin picked up a plate first, piling as much food on it as was humanly possible. Taemin followed, picking up food as he went, but barely noticing what he was doing, too distracted by himself to clearly think about what he was eating.   
He followed him mutely and then chose a seat in the back of the hall to sit.   
‘Cucumbers? You hate cucumbers.’ Jongin said looking down at Taemin’s plate. Looking down he had some how put them on his plate, and it was true he hated them.   
‘Urgh,’ he huffed throwing them over to Jongin.   
‘What’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’ Jongin said, then realising what he had said he tried to back track. ‘Shit, Taemin I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…’   
‘It’s ok,’ Taemin waved his apology off with his hand. ‘I had another dream, in that room again.’ He said.   
‘And?’ Jongin said now digging in to his food, taking huge mouthfuls at a time.   
Taemin frowned wondering how to explain. He started with the singing, and the mirror, and how he got this feeling something bad was going to happen, and then how she had died in front of him.   
Jongin had stopped eating to stare at Taemin. His eyes were wide, he was shocked, and maybe even a little fearful.   
‘After she, fell, I could get through the barrier into the room, and I hugged her. I just clung onto her.’ Taemin finished. If he wasn’t careful he would have permanent lines between his eyebrows from frowning.   
‘Jesus.’ Jongin exhaled loudly.   
Taemin watched him eagerly waiting for what he would think.   
‘Do you think you’re like, seeing the future?’ He asked him with a side glance around them.   
‘No, at least, I hope not. It’s like, it’s just so real.’ Taemin shook his head and took the first bite of his food since sitting down.   
‘I think it’s a sign you have to call her.’ Jongin said determinedly, with a shake of his head. ‘If she’s real, it could be some insight. You said she was depressed, I don’t know. It’s all weird.’   
‘I know. I did try.’ Taemin said sadly. Jongin raised his eyebrow in question. ‘I called her shop this morning, but, there was no answer.’   
‘What time?’ Jongin asked.   
‘I don’t know, about 7 maybe.’ Taemin said, unable to really remember.   
Jongin looked at the clock on his phone. 8.45am.   
‘We’ve got an hour before we have to be at the studio. Try again now.’ He urged him. ‘Someone should be there now.’ He encouraged him.   
Taemin got his phone out and looked deeply at it, as if he had forgotten what to do with the damn thing.   
With another look at Jongin who was nodding encouragingly. He opened it up and pressed redial. The number rang, and rang, he was about to hang up when someone answered. In English.   
‘Hi súile glas’’ a chirpy sounding person answered. It was not Jennifer’s voice. Taemin was both disappointed and thrown by the use of English, he fumbled.   
‘H-h-Hi, Hello.’ He said in an unsteady tone. Jongin’s eyebrows raised a few centimetres.   
‘Hi, how can I help?’ The chirpy woman asked.   
‘Um, I – Is Jennifer – There?’ He asked slowly, trying to focus his mind into using English.   
‘No she’s not here, can I take a message?’ The person answered instantly.   
‘No, thank you.’ Taemin said sadly and hung up without another word.   
‘So?’ Jongin asked.   
‘It threw me speaking English.’ Taemin frowned at his phone and then looked back to Jongin.   
‘Yeah, ok, but was she there? Was it her shop?’ Jongin pressed him.   
‘She said – She said she wasn’t there.’ Taemin said slowly, trying to make sense of her words.   
‘Wasn’t there as in doesn’t work there and doesn’t know who you mean, or not there as in hasn’t arrived yet?’ Jongin asked getting impatient.   
‘She asked me if I wanted to leave a message.’ Taemin mumbled. That had to mean she worked there, or at least someone called Jennifer did.   
‘That’s good Tae, that means she’s real!’ Jongin said excitedly, raising his voice.   
‘And nothing bad has happened, because they wouldn’t say leave a message.’ Jongin continued.   
Taemin looked at him all excited but couldn’t quite get there.   
‘Try again later.’ Jongin nodded as if that was it.   
‘Jongin, what if, I can’t speak to her.’ Taemin shook his head, scrunching his eyes up. Why hadn’t he realised this sooner.   
‘What?’ Jongin asked baffled.   
‘Jongin, when I speak to her I talk in Korean, when she speaks it’s in English, but we both hear our own language. When we meet, if we meet, neither of us are going to be able to understand the other.’ Taemin whined desperately.   
Jongin stared at him. He half looked like he wanted to laugh before he rearranged his face. ‘Taemin, your English is getting better, you’ll be ok.’ Jongin tried to reassure him. Taemin wasn’t sure how confident he was though. Even speaking with that girl on the phone for three seconds scared the hell out of him.   
‘Hey guys,’ Baekhyun broke the revere they were both in with his appearance. He sat down along with Chanyeol and Jongdae, tucking into their breakfasts and making small talk. Taemin stayed quiet thinking over what he should do. He did feel a little better after having talked it over with Jongin, but nothing apart from seeing Jennifer would make him feel truly better.   
They left together, since they were all going to the same place, Taemin was placed into a car with Jongin, Kyungsoo, Junmyeon and Minseok. He was happy to get lost in the chatter among them and not for once be alone with the silence it provided.   
The first car with the rest of Exo had already pulled into the TV station and they had gone in. He walked slowly behind the rest with Jongin just ahead of him, turning constantly to check he was ok.   
As usual they were guided to a room. Mostly filled with teams of people poised to make them look camera ready, hairstylists, make up artists, people to dress them. Taemin’s manager guided him first into a room where only him, Jongin and an artist from China he didn’t recognise were to have their hair styled. He was in there for over an hour with little to no rest for his mind.   
Then he was directed into a second larger room. Everyone from Exo was in there, most of them besides Jongin and Minseok had make up applied, hair styled and were getting up milling around a table laid out with food for them. Taemin took a seat next to Jongin in front of a mirror, waiting as usual for someone to come and apply make up to him. He really needed it. He couldn’t hide the dark circles appearing under his eyes now. Staring into the mirror, his eyes scanned over the room of people. He was pretty central, and had a good view of everyone, Chanyeol caught his eye, with his booming laugh echoing around the room, he was sitting with Baekhyun, watching Kyungsoo finish getting his make-up applied, and laughing with the woman doing her best to make them look beautiful.   
As his gaze turned to her, he noticed the blonde of her hair, the way it came down in waves over her face. Her small stature leaning over Kyungsoo to get to his face. His stomach seemed to crash to the ground as he realised it was her.   
‘Jongin, Jongin.’ He whispered feverishly. Jongin turned his attention to him through the mirror.   
Taemin pointed over his shoulder and mouthed, ‘That’s her.’ 

 

***************************************************************************************************************************************

Jongin turned around in his seat to get a better look at her.   
She was smiling pleasantly between Kyungsoo, Chanyeol and Baekhyun, the later two seemed to be trying hard to make conversation with her, while Kyungsoo it appeared kept rolling his eyes and smiling back just as pleasantly.   
‘Are you sure?’ Jongin asked, not taking his eyes off her.   
‘Yeah. I’m sure.’ Taemin said as he too continued to survey her from the mirror. His hands were becoming sweaty and he could feel his ears burning. It was her. There was no mistaking it. He had held her twice, spend all night looking into her face. She hadn’t recognised him, or she didn’t even know he was here. She seemed relaxed, doing her job and talking with the members of Exo surrounding her.   
Taemin felt an unreasonable shift of jealousy lodge somewhere deep inside him. He tried to ignore it and focus on the fact she was actually alive, and she was here in front of him. He fought every instinct he had not to run over to her and hug her tightly.   
He watched as a member of staff with an earplug in went over to her, holding onto a clip board. She had finished with Kyungsoo who stood up and bowed deeply to her. The staff talking to her pointed over to himself and Jongin, as her eyes flashed up, they met his in the mirror for the tiniest of seconds before he tore his gaze away.   
He could feel her eyes on him, he believed he saw the look of recognition there when she focused on him. But he couldn’t be sure.   
He looked over to Jongin, who was shamelessly staring at her still, with his mouth slightly agape.   
‘She’s coming this way.’ Jongin mumbled at Taemin, who’s eyes flew back to her automatically.   
She would be by his side in less than 5 seconds, and he had absolutely no idea what to say.   
‘Hi,’ she said brightly addressing him and Jongin together, she was looking at him in the mirror. Their eyes met, and his heart stopped. She was real. The dreams were real. There was no doubting who she was. Those eyes had looked into his so many times. He swallowed hard, willing himself to speak.   
She smiled, focusing her eyes more on Jongin than on Taemin, leaving him longing and confused. Did she recognise him? She was doing a very good job of hiding it if she did.   
‘I’m Jennifer, I’m sorry I don’t speak much Korean,’ she apologised to them both. Jongin, who had only a basic knowledge of English nodded and greeted her, he never tore his eyes away from her.   
Looking around on the table in front of her, she found the paper with what make-up Taemin was due to have for the show and set about working. He couldn’t speak. He had no voice around her, yet he couldn’t stop looking at her through the mirror.   
She moved around, taking out the foundation to apply to his face, he looked up at her, for the first time hoping to see her eyes in front of him, not just through the mirror. He felt like he and the chair had become one, he couldn’t move, nor could he get his breathing right. She turned to face him, though she had her eyes on his face, they never met his. The second her fingers touched him he felt like he had been hit with an electric shock. Usually he was very comfortable whenever someone applied make up to him. It was second nature to sit and let someone touch at his face, but this was different. Like an elephant was sat on his chest and no one was talking about it.   
She leaned over him, and her smell dizzied him even more. Coconut and rose. He briefly shifted a look to Jongin, who was staring wide eyed at the pair of them, clearly waiting for Taemin to say or do something.   
He laid his head back a little for her, sinking himself deeper in the chair. She was really tiny, just as she had been in his dreams. He was taller than her and he was sat down. He looked up into her face as she started to work on him, and he found himself unable to comprehend what he was seeing. His eyes travelled to the beauty marks he had memorised, the colour of her creamy, sun-kissed skin, that couldn’t look any further from dull and lifeless. There was a delicate blush on her cheeks, though her make up was quite minimal, she had soft brown eyeliner highlighting the green in her eyes and the shape of them. Her lips were a soft nude, full and inviting.   
She didn’t seem apprehensive as she worked on his make up in silence. Though she never met his eyes.   
‘Say something.’ Jongin moaned in Korean. Taemin glanced at him, another makeup artist had come over to him and began working on him. Taemin cleared his throat but found his mind completely blank.   
Every touch she placed on him, sent shivers down his back. He forced himself to stay still. He felt like breathing was a struggle, either he was trying to hard to breathe slowly, or he erratically wanted to pant from lack of oxygen.   
She turned to the counter, selecting what looked to be eye make-up. He automatically closed his eyes for her.   
‘Relax,’ she breathed into his ear, barely audible, but enough for him to hear.   
‘S-s-sorry,’ He stuttered clumsily, his brain moving too slowly for him to think of the English quick enough.   
He could feel the make-up being applied to his eyelids, keeping them firmly closed she said in her soft Irish accent. ‘Do you know me?’ She stumbled over her words, obviously she was just as worried as him, in case it was all just in her head.   
‘Yes.’ He breathed slowly, only loud enough for her to hear.   
Behind his eyelids he heard her exhale. ‘This is strange.’ She said slowly, the make up brush switched to his other eye.   
‘Very strange.’ He agreed with a smile starting to form on his lips. Now he knew everything was real, she had brought it up, his shoulders relaxed, he could feel the weight of the night slipping away from him.   
‘This week,’ He said, struggling to think of the words. ‘I missed you.’ He settled on the simple phrase, not fully understanding the weight of his words on her. Her make-up brush stopped moving, giving him enough time to open his eyes to look up at her.   
She was hovering over him, her eyes looked even more green up close like this. They were big and sad, causing his chest to tighten and his heart to ache. He was maybe inches away from her face, as the seconds passed all he wanted to do was reach out to hug her. She smiled, softly, remembering where she was as she switched back into the make up artist she was supposed to be. He sat up right, his eyes focusing in the mirror on Jongin, who was staring directly at him with a wry smile on his face. Taemin raised his eyebrows in reply.   
Jennifer coughed slightly, breaking the tension, and turned herself back to the counter of make-up products, focusing now on his lips.   
Before they had a chance to speak again they were accosted by Baekhyun and Chanyeol.   
‘Hey Taemin.’ Chanyeol greeted him, handing him a bottle of water from the table.   
‘Hey Chanyeol.’ He smiled back at him in the mirror as Chanyeol’s attention turned back to Baekhyun. Baekhyun though had this look in his eye watching Jennifer. His English was good, and what he lacked in skill he made up for in confidence. He was whispering to her, as she tried her best to be polite and try and carry on with the task in hand. Chanyeol attempted to engage Taemin in conversation about the show, what songs he was doing, and how long he was in Singapore. But Taemin could barely focus, straining his hardest to listen to Baekhyun instead.  
‘You should come to our show tomorrow,’ Baekhyun’s cheery voice badgered Jennifer.   
‘Hmm, I don’t think I can.’ She responded, focusing her eyes back on Taemin, gently touching the side of his face as she applied lipstick to him, sending shock waves throughout his body. He watched her greedily, wishing Baekhyun would leave her alone.   
‘Why?’ he pouted at her, poking her in her side, which she dodged. She was obviously trying her best to stay professional.   
‘I don’t have tickets,’ she laughed at him, her eyes meeting his, he grinned at her softly. Taemin felt that same poke of jealousy rearing up in his chest.   
‘We can arrange that. Right Chanyeol?’ He nudged the taller of the two.   
Chanyeol nodded eagerly, though Taemin wasn’t sure he knew what he was agreeing too. Chanyeol’s English was in a much poorer state than Baekhyuns.   
Jennifer shrugged as he continued to pester her. She was polite and laughed along with him, but there was something in the way she interacted with him that wasn’t the same as when she spoke to Taemin. Taemin knew she was about to be finished with him at any moment, all he wanted was for Baekhyun to disappear, so he would have one last moment with her.   
‘Baekhyun!’ Their manager called him from the doorway. He left, with a lingering smirk to Jennifer and a wink to Taemin, as Chanyeol followed him.   
Taking in the rest of the room he noticed that almost everyone who was in here had left. Only Jongin sat next to him and someone he didn’t know in the far corner of the room.   
‘You can go and get dressed now.’ Jennifer told him, her back to him as she messed around with the make-up counter in front of her.   
‘Wait.’ He said, something in his voice must have made her turn around, her eyes flicked around the room, in an attempt to check if the other staff had any idea of their encounters. Taemin did the same but couldn’t see anyone who was paying too close attention.   
‘I need to talk to you.’ He said, somehow sounding very fluent.   
‘Ok.’ She said slowly, her gaze focused on him.   
He looked around again, not wanting to do it here.   
‘Later? After?’ He said simply with a pleading look towards her.   
‘I’ll be here.’ She told him softly. She seemed to be looking into his soul. He got up making his way over to the hallway with a lingering look over his shoulder at her, head tilted towards him with a perplexed look on her face. 

Jongin caught up with him as he made his way into wardrobe.   
‘Taemin, you didn’t say she was so cute.’ He joked hitting him on the back.   
‘I told you I don’t think of her like that.’ Taemin frowned at him, when was he going to get it.   
‘I think that’s a big lie.’ Jongin laughed back.   
‘What?’ Taemin gasped frustrated.   
‘Tae, I saw the way you looked at her. I know you, I saw you freaking out when Baekhyun came over. Stop lying to yourself.’ Jongin said now lowering his voice as they entered the room, and people could overhear them.   
Taemin gave him an appraising look as he changed and was put into clothes for the show. He didn’t think he was lying to himself, but he couldn’t deny that stab of jealousy. He was just protective of her, he told himself. After all last night he watched her die. That was a natural reaction, surely.   
Though he was moved from room to room, and then given a run through of the filming sequences he didn’t see Jennifer again. He kept looking for her, hoping to see her, but he was left disappointed. What if she didn’t wait around for him? He didn’t have the foresight to ask her for her number.   
The day was long and tiring. It had fun times, when he was able to relax and play about with Exo, other times when he wanted to be alone and find Jennifer. He didn’t see her on the set, even though a couple of times he needed to be retouched, it was always a different make-up artist who came to do it.   
It was after 6 when they finished. Heading back into the wardrobe room to change, he found Baekhyun with Jongdae.   
‘Taemin, are you coming to eat with us?’ Baekhyun asked flashing him a cheeky grin.   
‘Oh I … Don’t know.’ Taemin shrugged, trying to think of an excuse to get out of it.   
‘Everyone is, maybe I’ll ask that make-up artist too,’ Baekhyun said turning to Jongdae.   
Taemin kept his head down putting on his shirt to listen to Baekhyun.   
‘You know the one that did me and Kyungsoo? She’s cute,’ He commented to Jongdae.   
‘Yeah she’s ok.’ Jongdae was obviously uninterested.   
‘Come on, she was gorgeous.’ He sighed dramatically.   
‘Yeah but only you and Kyungsoo can speak to her, you don’t think she’d be a little freaked out?’ Jongdae asked.   
‘Nah, she seemed to like me.’ Baekhyun grinned back at him. ‘Maybe I can get her back to my room.’  
Taemin had heard enough. It was annoying to hear Baekhyun speak about her like that. It wasn’t jealousy, he repeated in his mind. It was protection. Baekhyun knew nothing about her, and he wasn’t about to let her get caught up in his game.   
He tore out of the room, not looking when he knocked into Jongin, ‘hey!’ he went into the make up room they had been in previously, but it was empty, people had begun to leave, and he knew his manager was walking around trying to find him.   
He went into every room he could find, sometimes it had people in, sometimes it didn’t.   
‘Ahhhh, where is she?’ he mumbled to himself in the last room he entered that on first look seemed to be empty.   
‘Taemin?’ her voice called out. He was half way out of the doorframe when he turned back to see her standing up from crouching over a bag she was filling up.   
‘Jennifer?’ he turned around. ‘You’re here.’ He asked in Korean, forgetting to speak English.   
She looked at him curiously for a second, her head tilted to one side.   
‘You’re speaking Korean.’ She stated, in perfect fluent Korean. His eyes widened in surprise.   
‘You do speak Korean?’ He asked her shocked.   
‘No.’ she told him, the confusion on her face deepening. ‘I’m speaking English.’ It was exactly like their dreams, he spoke in Korean, but she could understand, she spoke in English but could understand him.   
‘I couldn’t really understand when anyone else spoke, but you just then, it was like …’ she began.   
‘Like in the dreams.’ He finished for her with a smile. 

 

****************************************************************************************************************************************************

He didn’t realise he was stood watching her for so long until Baekhyun came bustling in behind him.   
‘AHHH, Jenni,’ he grinned walking over to her. The smile fell instantly from Taemin’s face.   
‘We are going to get dinner; do you want to come with us?’ He asked, sounding very sure of himself.   
‘Oh, I don’t know.’ She said, bending over to pick up her bags she had been packing.   
‘Oh come on, Taemin you’re coming yeah?’ He said over his shoulder at him.   
‘Yeah sure,’ he answered automatically. Jennifer eyed him strangely, it was clear she wasn’t expecting his answer.   
‘Ok then.’ She smiled at Baekhyun, who grabbed her arm pulling her forward past Taemin.   
‘Come in our car,’ he was telling her as he dragged her out of the room.   
Taemin managed to get his brain to work as he followed. ‘Me too, I’m in your car.’ He hurried after them. Jennifer was still locked in Baekhyun’s hold as she turned to give him a look, but Baekhyun jut shouted over his shoulder.   
‘Great.’   
As they made their way out to the under-ground car park he was intercepted by his manager, who hadn’t finished debriefing him.   
‘I’ve got to be in Baekhyun’s car.’ He said distractedly to him.   
‘You’re in with Jongin.’ His manager frowned at him.   
‘Fix it.’ Taemin said striding away from him so he didn’t lose his spot.   
Thankfully the car was half empty. He was sat in the back, Jennifer was placed in the seat in front of him, with Baekhyun to her right and Chanyeol and Sehun next to Taemin.   
‘You’re from Ireland?’ Chanyeol asked her unsure of his wording as the car pulled away from the station.   
‘Yeah from South Ireland.’ She replied in English.   
‘The way you speak is so cool,’ Baekhyun turned to grin at her.   
Taemin couldn’t listen to the shameless flirting that was going on around him. It made his stomach tense awkwardly, and bile rise in his throat. He pulled out his phone, where a message from Jongin had beeped up.   
J: Where are you?  
T: In Baekhyun’s car. He’s after her, he managed to get her to come to dinner and drag her into this car.   
J: You followed?  
T: Yes?   
J: You like her.   
Taemin tilted his head up to look at her, she was nice, but that was it. Why did it bother him so much then whenever Baekhyun shifted closer to her or reached out to ‘innocently’ touch her?   
T: Shut up. See you soon.  
‘You’ve been in Singapore a long time then?’ Chanyeol was asking her, leaning over Taemin.   
‘Yeah about 8 years.’ She told him.   
‘Have you ever wanted to live in a different Asian country?’ Baekhyun asked her without a hint of shame.   
Taemin had to supress the scoff forming in his throat.   
‘I’d love to go to every Asian country, but my business is here. I like it here.’ She told him with a smile. Baekhyun turned to give Chanyeol a wink before turning back to continue to berate her with questions.   
They arrived back at the hotel, to Taemin’s surprise. He thought they were going out somewhere to eat.   
‘Why are we here?’ He asked Sehun as everyone filtered out from the car towards the under-ground elevators.   
‘We’re eating in the restaurant,’ he shrugged as if it was no big deal striding towards the open elevator.   
Taemin hung around the car, waiting for Jennifer to get out, though trying not to look like he was waiting for her, pulling out his phone as a distraction.   
Before he could get anywhere near her though Baekhyun had hold of her pulling her forward.   
‘Oh my bags!’ she turned out of his grasp back towards the car.   
‘Just leave it, you can take the car to go home later.’ Baekhyun commented catching Chanyeol’s eye, who scoffed.   
She turned to look at Taemin, who gave her a brief smile, trying to reassure her.   
As they all gathered in the elevator, Jennifer stood slightly in front of Taemin, who couldn’t help but inconspicuously reach out to her free hand.   
He closed his fingers around hers tightly, trying to let her know without words she was ok. She grasped back, unbeknown to everyone in the elevator. That tiny squeeze of her hand in his made his tension relax.   
Baekhyun though still had hold of her arm as the elevator reached the floor they were going to, pulling her, and her hand away from Taemin.   
Reaching the restaurant Jennifer pulled herself gently out of Baekhyun’s grasp.  
‘I’m jut going to find the bathroom, ok?’ She turned to him and he nodded in response.   
Quickly thinking Taemin said, ‘Me too, I’ll show you where it is.’   
He guided her in the opposite direction to everyone else going into the restaurant.   
‘I thought he wouldn’t let go of me.’ She mumbled half to herself as she followed Taemin half a step behind him.   
‘Me either.’ He said in a much angrier tone than he intended.   
He looked down at her and smiled, she was looking up at him with so much vulnerability it could crush him.   
‘Do you really need the bathroom or?’ He asked as they approached the doors.   
‘I need to wash my hands,’ she said with her hand on the door. ‘You will wait here?’ she turned to ask him.   
He nodded smiling, of course he would. Leaning himself against the wall no one could see either of them unless they came down this hallway to the bathroom. He didn’t have to wait 5 minutes for her to reappear.   
‘Sorry, make up hands.’ She grinned up at him showing him her clean hands. His heart flipped in his chest, and without thinking he reached out and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.   
He could smell her strongly; his face was in her hair as he bent down. He exhaled, he didn’t realise he needed to hug her as much as he wanted to hug her for her.   
‘If you hug me any tighter I might break.’ She whispered with light mocking into his ear.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he released her looking down at her bewildered face.   
‘What was that for?’ She asked, her eyebrow raised in amusement.   
He wanted to pour his heart out, he wanted to tell her it was because he had seen her die, because he needed her to know he wanted her to live, he wanted her in his life. But he didn’t, it wasn’t the right time, so he shrugged and said, ‘Why not?’ with a shy smile.   
With her smiling up at him he said, ‘I’m sorry about the dinner, I wanted a chance to talk to you, just you and me.’   
‘It’s ok, I just don’t know if I’ll get in some kind of trouble for having dinner with you all. The TV station called me this morning, I have a friend who works there, and they were short staffed, so it was the first time for me working there, I’m not sure what the rules are.’   
‘It’ll be ok, sometimes we have staff have dinner with us, or lunch, so don’t worry, but after, do you want to go somewhere, you and me?’ He asked, not hearing or caring how his words sounded.   
‘Sure.’ She said slowly, controlled, with a strange lingering look at him.   
They made their way back to the restaurant, where a large table had been set up for them. She fortunately wasn’t the only staff member there, Exo’s manager was there, with his own, and some of their dancers.   
A space had been left for her next to Baekhyun, who made a fuss of pointing towards it when he could see her. Thankfully Jongin was on the other side of the empty chair and had the foresight to leave a space so Taemin would be sitting next to her.   
They all ordered and as the food appeared the volume of the table began to rise. Baekhyun kept Jennifer speaking, even when Taemin would try and cut in, remembering to speak in English, Baekhyun would speak over him. Towards the end of the meal, her fingers found his under the table and gave a little squeeze.   
‘I see what you mean about Baekhyun.’ Jongin told him in his ear. His voice was low, but it didn’t matter no one was paying attention to him anyway. ‘But I guess it wouldn’t matter if he wanted to date her right, you’re not interested?’ He asked.   
Taemin gave him a harsh look. ‘He doesn’t want to date her, he wants to fuck her and leave her.’ Taemin said indignantly.  
‘So?’ Jongin said so offhandedly it caught Taemin by surprise.   
‘So she deserves better than that Jongin.’ He told him.   
‘But you don’t want her.’ Jongin pointed out again.  
‘Will you stop.’ Taemin told him annoyed now.   
Jongin shrugged at him, casting a look over at Jennifer who was laughing with Kyungsoo, who was sat across the table from her.   
‘It’s a shame if you ask me.’ Jongin muttered.   
Taemin elbowed him sharply in the ribs. He heard enough. He didn’t want another lecture from Jongin about the state of his love life. Needless to say Jongin didn’t bring it up again.   
‘Since you’re here for he next two days, do you want to come and see us tomorrow?’ Jongin asked, finally getting the hint and changing the subject.   
‘I don’t know,’ Taemin sighed, at any other time he would love to come and support Jongin and all of Exo.   
‘Bring her, I heard Baekhyun trying to get her to come anyway, I’ll get our manager to give you passes.’ He said picking up his drink.   
Taemin stared at him thinking how it would work.   
‘Look, I’ll tell Baekhyun to back off if you want. She’ll be with you on the other side, so nothing will happen.’ Jongin answered his motionless stare.   
He hummed at him thinking, it might be an idea.   
‘I’m going to the bathroom ok?’ Jennifer whispered to his side, letting him know she was about to disappear. He nodded with a smile to her.  
‘Ok, get us the passes, but I’m not promising.’ Taemin said turning back to Jongin.   
Finishing the food on his plate and slugging back the rest of his drink he got up to go to the bathroom for himself. He hadn’t noticed as he got up Baekhyun was also missing from the table along with Jennifer.   
He didn’t think anything of it as he turned the corner finding his way down to the hallway the bathrooms were located on.   
Turning the corner he stopped dead. Baekhyun had a hand up against the wall leaning over Jennifer, his free hand cupping her face as he kissed her. She was backed up against the wall, with her eyes closed.   
Taemin didn’t think as he turned around and left, too shocked at what he had just seen.   
‘That was fast.’ Jongin commented as he sat back down at the table.   
Taemin didn’t say a word staring at his lap. What was that? Was it just Baekhyun forcing himself on her, he could feel the anger towards him bubbling up at the thought. Or was it that she wanted him to kiss her? He only saw them for a second, but her eyes were closed, was she kissing him back? He couldn’t remember. He turned and left too quickly. The thought that she wanted to kiss Baekhyun seemed worse to him though, but he didn’t dwell on why that felt worse.   
As he heard Jennifer approaching he automatically turned to look at her. She had followed him back quickly, and she didn’t appear to look overly happy. But the question in Taemin’s mind was, would she tell him what had happened.   
Baekhyun didn’t appear immediately after her either. If the kiss he saw was mutual, then surely, they would arrive back together? Then again, if Baekhyun had told her to be inconspicuous maybe he planned this? Taemin’s mind was in overdrive. He wasn’t sure what to think, all he knew for sure, was he felt sour about the whole thing.   
‘Are you ok?’ Taemin asked her as soon a she sat down. He gave him another strange look he couldn’t work out before telling him.   
‘Yeah everything is ok.’ He couldn’t help noticing the smile she gave him didn’t reach her eyes.   
Taemin could see Baekhyun returning from the corner of the restaurant, he was avoiding Jennifer, but that didn’t necessarily mean that she had stopped their kiss. He sat down and struck up a conversation with Minseok to the side of him, ignoring Jennifer completely, but he didn’t sound disappointed, and from what he could hear, he was talking about one of their dances.   
As the food slowly disappeared, along with certain members of the group, Taemin noticed that Baekhyun didn’t attempt to talk much to Jennifer after he had seen them together. It didn’t comfort him in the slightest, hoping that Baekhyun hadn’t made her feel in some way used.   
‘I’m going to go.’ Jongin said yawning. It had been a long day and he was in for a longer day tomorrow.   
‘Yeah me too.’ Taemin said, leaning backwards.   
‘I’m going, do you want to meet me in the carpark?’ Taemin whispered to Jennifer who was looking through her phone.   
‘Ok,’ she whispered back. He couldn’t see her face, so he wasn’t sure how to take her ok.   
He wished everyone good night, and left, waiting at the elevator with Jongin, as soon as they were inside and alone he burst out.   
‘Baekhyun was kissing her.’   
‘What?’ Jongin turned to him quite clearly shocked.   
‘When I went to the bathroom I saw them.’ Taemin sighed. He was tired, his brain was fried, and he just didn’t know what to feel.   
‘Oh jeeze.’ Jongin exhaled leaning against the door. ‘Well was she kissing him back?’   
Taemin paced the tiny room in frustration. ‘I don’t know. I only saw them for a second, but she had her eyes closed.’   
Jongin stared at him, he was freaking out and he couldn’t control it.   
‘Just ask her about it.’ Jongin said, trying to downplay the whole thing.   
Taemin stopped pacing to stare at him. Just ask her. Why not? He ha been able to speak to her about so much, for so long in his dreams, why was he over thinking the entire thing. Why did he care so much?   
‘Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I’ll just ask her.’ He said, trying to convince himself.   
‘You like her Taemin. You can deny it all you want, but she’s got you.’ Jongin said. ‘You wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.’   
‘It’s not exactly a normal situation Jongin.’ Taemin spat back sick with Jongin’s observations.   
His friend shrugged, he wasn’t going to fight him anymore. The elevators stopped on Jongin’s floor and thankfully no one else had entered. They said goodbye and Taemin pressed the buttons to go back downstairs.   
As he reached the underground car park, Jennifer was already there, waiting for him, just to the side of the entrance to the elevator. Smoking.   
‘You smoke?’ Taemin asked in surprise.   
‘Yeah.’ She said easily.   
‘Give me one.’ He asked holding his hand out. He had quit, but this felt like a time for a smoke. She raised her eyebrows but didn’t comment, holding out the pack for him and a lighter.   
He took a long drag, savouring the sensation as he observed her. There was so much he wanted to say, ask her, and do, but he couldn’t think right now.   
‘Where do you want to go?’ She asked him, finishing her own cigarette.   
He hadn’t thought. He just wanted to be alone with her to talk.   
‘Is there somewhere we can go?’ He asked her, not sure where she would take him at 10pm on a Wednesday evening.   
‘I know somewhere.’ She told him with a smile.   
‘Ok, let’s go.’ He said, directing her towards the car they had used earlier in the day.   
He had already asked the driver to take them somewhere, and dutifully waiting for them in the car, Taemin opened the door for her to step in.   
‘Er … the gardens, by the bay,’ she said, unsure if she should tell the driver herself. The driver nodded without a word and pulled out of the car park.   
It was short and quiet drive to the gardens. Taemin had never been there before, even though he had heard of them before, he wasn’t sure what to expect, or how many people would be there. They drove over a bridge, and pulled up.   
Jennifer stepped out into the humid night and began walking. Taemin followed without question. There was almost no one around them, which made him feel better.   
‘Have you been here before?’ She asked, glancing up at him uneasily.   
‘Nope, But I always wanted to.’ He told her with a sorry excuse for a smile as he tailed her. She walked him around a twisting path, past hoards of flowers, bushes and trees. He could see the lit up super trees in the distance and vaguely speculated if that was where she was going. Following her down a set of steps they ended up at a river, it was beautiful. Lit up in the centre were statues, and sculptures of dragon flies, the smell of the humid garden was relaxing him as he walked silently by her side.   
‘Do you want to sit for a while or should we keep walking?’ She asked him, sounding nervous.   
‘Let’s sit.’ He told her gently, as an unusual breeze passed them by.   
She nodded and walked him a little further up the river, towards where it twisted in a sea of bushes and trees. Next to the path way was a tiny bench hidden away. If you didn’t know it was here, you wouldn’t have found it.   
‘No one usually walks up this far,’ she explained sitting down. ‘Most tourists come here and go straight for the super trees,’ she pointed in the direction of the structures. ‘And at this time, most people are leaving here even though it’s open all night.’   
Taemin nodded. He couldn’t have chosen a more perfect spot if he had known about it himself.   
‘I didn’t expect to see you, today.’ she spoke quietly, starting the conversation.   
Taemin turned to focus on her. Her face was lit by the statues and dim lights dotted about the river.   
‘I didn’t expect to see you either.’ He told her truthfully. ‘But I’m glad I did.’   
‘You are?’ she asked, in a squeak.   
‘Of course I am.’ He told her smiling.   
‘I thought, since I hadn’t seen you all week, the dreams, or whatever it was, was over.’ She told him sadly.   
‘Where you still in the room?’ Taemin asked.   
‘Yeah, everything was still green, and I was alone, and …’ her voice trailed away.   
‘And?’ Taemin pressed.   
‘I don’t know how to explain really.’ She said shaking her head at whatever thought she had.   
‘I was still there every night too.’ Taemin told her, making her eyes focus back into his own.   
‘Every night, on my own, and then, last night...’ He dropped his gaze, as he remembered the feeling.   
She didn’t say anything as she waited for him to continue.   
‘Last night, you were there, but you were crying, and singing.’ He said, chancing a look at her. Her eyes widened, almost as if she recognised what he was about to say.   
‘You were rocking, and I was shouting for you, but you couldn’t hear me.’ He shook his head, his words getting stuck in his throat as he tried to explain. ‘And then… the room filled with a kind of thick smoke.’ He whispered.   
She sighed softly. Bowing her head to look at her lap. ‘You saw me die.’ She told him, her voice barely a murmur in the breeze.   
Turning to look at her, she still had her head bowed, she looked ashamed. ‘How do you know?’ He asked her, surprised.   
‘It’s what I was thinking about. I … I’m so lost. I got so used to you being there, making me feel better and when you were not there, the same feelings crept back, the same dark cloud. I just wanted it to end last night. I went to sleep thinking I would …’ she didn’t finish her sentence.   
‘Do you know how scared I was?’ He asked her, unable to take his eyes off her.   
She shook her head lightly but didn’t look up to face him.   
‘Hey,’ he said shifting closer to her, placing his hand under her chin for her eyes to meet his. Wide, brimming with unfallen tears, his heart broke.   
‘I need you to stay alive.’ He told her firmly as the tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.   
‘When I realised what was happening I did everything I could to try and break that barrier and save you. But I couldn’t you fell and … and then it let me through, and I ran to you, but you were cold. So I picked you up and I held you.’ He was speaking in whispers. It was important she knew this. Her eyes never left his as he told her how he felt.   
‘I needed you. I don’t know why, but the feeling was so strong I need you to live. Don’t do that to me. I never want to see you like that again. Do you understand?’ He demanded of her. Somehow both his hands had found her face, cupping her cheeks so she would listen to him. Her tears softly fell in slow motion as she nodded.   
Moving his arms around her, he pulled her into him. ‘I’m here for you ok?’ He whispered into her hair, using a softer tone now as she hugged him back. ‘Don’t think it’s the only way.’ He continued to coo at her as she wept. She never made noise, but he could feel her cries escaping her.   
‘I’m sorry,’ she whimpered softly, clinging to him. He refused to let go. It felt good to have her in his arms, breathing, albeit, crying, but alive. He needed her to stay alive.   
‘I don’t know why I need you. But I do. You’re sweet, and talented and beautiful.’ He was talking without thinking.   
‘I need you too, but…’ she said sadly.   
‘But what?’ he asked pulling back slightly to look in her eyes.   
‘But you’re a star, you’re busy, you really don’t need a friend like me on your door. You don’t need to be worried about me like you are.’ She confessed sadly.   
A friend. That’s what he heard. A friend like me. Is that all she thought she was? Wasn’t that what he thought she was anyway?   
‘I will always have time for you.’ He told her firmly gripping her arms. ‘Don’t do that. Don’t make yourself unimportant to me. Don’t convince yourself you’re a burden, because I want to help you.’   
He decided now wasn’t the right time to bring up the friend comment, and besides he wasn’t even sure she was anything more.   
‘But what do I bring to you? I feel like it’s only worry.’ She mumbled at him.   
‘Nope, you’re doing it again. I feel calm around you. I haven’t slept well in months, not since… Not since Jonghyun. When you’re there I feel rested, this week, I’ve been exhausted because you weren’t there.’ He wasn’t sure what he was saying. He hadn’t fully thought these things out in his mind, and yet he knew them to be true.   
She stared at him wide eyed, surprised at his admission.   
‘Are you sure?’ She whispered, daring to believe him.   
He nodded. ‘I’m sure.’ He took in the contours of her face. Her small chin and jaw, tiny nose perfectly centre and her big sad eyes. Despite the tears on her face she was beautiful to him, under the night lights of the bay. In that moment all he wanted to do was kiss her. 

 

******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

The image of Baekhyun’s face pulled him up short. He was about to lean into her, give into the strange feelings he had been having when the image of him kissing her stuck out in the forefront of his mind.   
He dropped his gaze from her, feeling embarrassed with himself. It confused him why he had the overwhelming urge to kiss her and then the seed of jealousy in his stomach growing.   
‘Don’t cry.’ He whispered to cover his awkwardness, rubbing her arms. ‘We found each other now, despite being from different places, somehow, we found each other.’ He sighed, his voice trailing. He had a feeling somehow some kind of fate was playing a part in them meeting when he remembered what Jonghyun had said.   
She rubbed her cheeks with the back of her hands, smiling shyly at him and nodding to his words.   
‘Jonghyun told me he brought us together.’ Taemin told her boldly.   
Looking up at him, she obviously hadn’t expected him to say that.   
‘Really?’ she asked, her voice shaking.   
Taemin nodded back, looking out over the river. ‘He said we could help each other.’   
‘Why?’ she asked, following his gaze out over the stillness of the water.   
Taemin shook his head. He didn’t know exactly why. He hadn’t asked why, but rather, how, how he could help her.   
‘I don’t know. He didn’t say why. He said you were lost and like him.’ Taemin was whispering as he remembered the feelings of seeing and talking with his friend again. ‘You remind me of him a little.’ He told her turning back to face her.   
She met his eyes, narrowing at his words. ‘I do?’ she said simply, the confusion on her face was cute.   
Taemin nodded. ‘Yeah, like, I can’t explain it. I’ve lost him, he’ll always be with me, but he’s gone now. It was like he gave me a gift with you, like a piece of him in some way.’   
Taemin was shaking his head again, he wasn’t sure what he was saying, but as soon as the words came out, he knew that’s how he felt. That’s why she made him feel better, calmer. She wasn’t a replacement for Jonghyun, no one would ever replace him. But he got something back he was missing.   
She smiled sadly at Taemin, though she didn’t speak he knew she understood. He didn’t need to explain, in the same way when he would tell Jonghyun something, he didn’t need to explain more.   
‘He visited me too.’ Jennifer whispered after several minutes of silence. Taemin turned with wide eyes to her. He hadn’t expected that.   
‘He did? When?’ He asked, his chest tightening.   
‘A week or so ago?’ She told him dropping her gaze. It was clear she was worried about telling him.   
‘What did he say?’ Taemin asked eagerly waiting to hear.   
Leaning forward she told him, ‘He … he told me I have a lot of love inside me. He asked me not to give up on the world, on myself. He told me things would get better and you, you would help me.’   
Taemin couldn’t take his eyes off her as he listened. It sounded exactly like the sort of thing Jonghyun would say, think. He was kind that way, kind with everyone.   
Taemin smiled, somehow hearing this had a reassuring feeling for Taemin. Like he was doing the right thing right now.   
‘I hope you believed him.’ He told her. ‘I can see you have a lot of love.’ He remembered the words Jonghyun had told him, how he gave everything of himself to people, and he needed love. How people forget to let people close to them love them. His mind began to wander, maybe he could give Jennifer love, and she could love him.  
‘I was, I mean, I’m scared too.’ She mumbled, breaking Taemin’s wandering mind.   
‘I know.’ Taemin nodded, he too was scared. It was ok to give, if you expected nothing back. He didn’t know how to receive love, not that kind of love anyway.   
‘Are you, I mean, do you date … people?’ Taemin asked her feeling cautious.   
She exhaled heavily before speaking. ‘I … well not really. People have set me up on dates, people have asked, I usually try and refuse.’ She scoffed at the end as she shook her head.   
‘What?’ he asked giving her a side glance.   
‘Baekhyun.’ She answered simply with a hallow laugh.   
Taemin frowned at her, with his eyebrows creasing together.   
‘He … I don’t know, I was kind of embarrassed to tell you, I didn’t want you to think badly about me.’ She shook her head avoiding his gaze. ‘He cornered me as I came out of the bathroom earlier and kissed me.’   
‘Oh,’ was all Taemin could reply, his brain going in overload and his heart beat racing.   
‘He shocked me, I don’t know - I wasn’t - I didn’t expect something like that to happen, so I guess I kissed back for a second before I came to my senses. I don’t really want …. Well anyway he ended up with a slap.’ She finished lamely. She was rambling, tripping over every other word to try and make sense of the situation which had obviously stunned her.   
Taemin gave a nervous giggle. He was happy to hear she slapped him, but he still couldn’t help to worry.   
‘Do you, I mean, would you want to date Baekhyun?’ He asked, chancing a glance at her. She wasn’t looking at him, she had her eyes down in her lap. ‘Or I mean, a Korean guy, an idol in general?’ he asked, though he wasn’t sure why he was asking. What did he really want?   
‘I … I don’t know. I’ve always been more attracted to Asian men in general, but who seriously thinks about dating an idol? It’s impossible.’ She shook her head as if the whole idea was insane. ‘ It’s complicated I guess.’ She sighed, then chuckled. ‘I don’t suppose it would really be a good idea. Besides you idols can’t really date?’   
Taemin laughed. ‘We can date. But if it’s a normal, none famous person we don’t have to declare it. So in some ways it’s easier, in some ways it’s not because it is hard. Staying hidden, but it’s for protection. A lot of people find it too hard to stay together.’ He was watching her reactions. Her legs were crossed on the bench, but she was still looking away from him.   
‘Oh I see. I guess that’s hard, for you too. Is that why you don’t date?’ She asked him, in a whisper, he suspected she was somewhat shy about asking.   
‘Sort of. There’s never been time, or I don’t know, I never met anyone I wanted to seriously try with before.’ He told her. His brain was working hard, the voice in the back of his head was telling him now he did want to try, now he had met someone. He managed to silence that voice with his logical brain.   
‘Don’t date Baekhyun.’ The words tumbled out before he had really processed them.   
She tilted her head up giving him an inquisitive look. He laughed shyly before he explained. ‘I mean, if you want too you can, he’s a good guy, he’s funny, but I don’t know if he’s what you need. I don’t want you to get hurt.’ He explained, a little too much.   
‘I’ll keep that in mind.’ She told him with a smile.   
They had talked for so long, sat in comfortable silences, watching the lights dance on the water neither had noticed the time. It was getting close to midnight.   
‘I guess we should go.’ She told him eventually. However Taemin did not want to leave yet. Or, more so he did not want to leave her yet.   
‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ He asked, again his thoughts tumbling into words before his brain had a chance to think about them.   
‘What?’ she asked, her voice was far away, surprised.   
‘I mean, I’m free tomorrow,’ He began explaining backtracking again, before she got the wrong idea. ‘If you want to hang out together? And, I guess it’s like I said, I sleep better, with you there.’ His eyebrows frowned again as he spoke. ‘I’m worried if you won’t be there again.’ He finished with a shrug, not fully able to sort his thoughts out into sentences.   
‘If you’re not comfortable, I mean, you don’t have to-,‘ he worried he had scared her by the look on her face.   
‘No, no,’ she began, reaching out to touch his arm lightly. ‘I think, I would sleep better too.’ She said simply. The joy in his chest was overwhelming as he smiled down at her.   
‘Do you have to work tomorrow?’ He questioned her.   
‘I’m the boss. I can take a free day if I want to,’ she giggled, her face lighting up with amusement.   
He smiled back, he felt light, happy with the simplicity of the situation. It seemed impossibly easy to be with her.   
They found the driver and made their way back to the hotel quickly. Little traffic on the road meant they were back within 10 minutes.   
Climbing in the elevator with her by his side he didn’t notice the knotted feeling in his stomach begin to form. It was only as he walked her to his room, opening the door and allowing her to walk in did the nerves that were tightening around his middle become apparent to him.   
He watched her closely as she walked in looking around apprehensively. She took everything in slowly, taking tiny steps. He wanted to do something to make her feel more comfortable, but he was unsure what.   
His eyes traced down to her clothes, she had been wearing simple tailored trousers all day with a button-down blouse.   
‘Oh, I have clothes, if you want to change, and relax?’ he asked, unsure about how he sounded.   
He made his way quickly to his suitcase, pulling out his smallest t-shirt, and a pair of shorts with a tie around the waist. They would probably be a little big for her, but it would do.   
‘Is this ok?’ He asked handing her the clothes.   
‘Yeah, I didn’t think about, um, changing.’ She mumbled taking the clothes from him and looking around for the bathroom.   
‘Oh do you want to shower too maybe?’ He asked, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the bathroom.   
‘There’s soap and towels ….’ He began as she cut him off.   
‘That’s ok, but yes, I will shower if you don’t mind?’ She was looking at him weirdly, in a way she hadn’t before.   
He smiled nervously. ‘Ok, ok,’ he repeated wondering how else to make her comfortable.   
‘Do you want something to eat? Or a drink or something?’   
‘No, I’m ok,’ she smiled back at him. He realised then she was waiting for him to step out of the bathroom.   
‘Oh right ok, take your time.’ He grinned, backing out of the room and closing the door.   
He decided to change himself, into something more comfortable while he heard her turn on the shower. Although it was late, and he was tired, he began to feel a little hungry himself. Having the bright idea to order room service, he ordered an array of cakes, drinks, and whatever else he could think of, just in case she did want to eat with him.   
He turned the tv on, though he wasn’t really paying attention. He couldn’t keep still, fidgeting around waiting for her to finish showering.   
The room service arrived before she finished in the bathroom, which he was glad of. He let the staff in with a tray of things and didn’t have to wait too long for her to appear.   
She walked out of the bathroom shyly. He was right, even his smallest clothes swamped her, but he didn’t fail to notice how cute she looked in them. He had never seen her legs before, and though she was short they were attractive, slender, and tanned.   
Her hair was damp around the edges as she eyed him, sitting on the edge of the bed, with the tray of cakes in front of them.   
He grinned at her, ‘I got hungry.’ apologising for himself.   
‘So you thought you would order their entire cake menu?’ She taunted, raising an eyebrow at him. She had removed what make up she had on, her skin glowed, it reminded him of his dreams with her.   
‘Yeah, do you want to try,’ he said, gesturing for her to join him on the edge of the bed.   
She hesitated ever so slightly before she moved, padding over and climbing up onto the bed, sitting on her knees facing the tray.   
‘Ok, now I see it I’m hungry,’ she laughed, ‘what we got?’   
He pointed out everything he knew of, though he wasn’t sure himself exactly what he had ordered.   
She picked up a fork, taking a timid bite of one cake, while he took bites of another.   
‘Oh god, this is good try this,’ he said loading the fork up for her and holding it out. She looked down at the fork for a split second before allowing him to feed her the cake.   
Her face lit up, grinning at him in the same way he was grinning back at her as she ate it. ‘That’s good,’ she moaned swallowing.   
They continued to try them all, every time one of them tried a new cake, they declared it to be the best and fed it to the other.   
‘Are you tired? Do you want to sleep or watch a movie?’ Taemin asked her, she seemed more relaxed, but he didn’t want it to get awkward later.   
‘Um, I’m ok, put a movie on.’ She answered him, as she took a drink of the tea he had also ordered them. He flicked around, trying to find something easy for them to watch before settling on a movie he had not seen before.   
She had positively relaxed more since she first entered his room, as they finished the last of the cakes. He threw himself backwards rubbing his stomach and moaning.   
‘I’m so full now.’ He whined.   
‘Me too, who’s bright idea was it to order all the cake in Singapore?’ she teased. He looked up at her with a guilty grin. He wanted so badly to lay down, but he wasn’t sure how to manoeuvre the situation so that she didn’t feel uncomfortable. Turning to face her he noticed she looked tired and then his inhibitions died.   
‘Come on, let’s lay down.’ He grabbed her hand, pulling her backwards towards the head of the bed with him, dimming the lights from the side table as he did.   
She did not protest, though her eyes widened slightly. Pulling back the duvet he climbed in, propping himself up on the pillows, gesturing for her to do the same.   
The bed was large and comfortable, but he wouldn’t have cared even if it was small. His urge was to cuddle with her, she climbed in after him, and settled herself towards the edge away from him, he didn’t think twice about reaching out to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close to him.   
A small noise of surprise escaped her as she looked up at him, nestled into his chest, his arm had landed around her exposed waist, where the t-shirt had ridden up slightly as he pulled her closer to him.   
Looking down at her, his eyes gazed into hers, bright green and vulnerable, in that moment she was adorable, his heart melted into her. With her body tucked close to his, giving him a warm relaxed feeling, he didn’t think twice as he bent down to kiss her.


	3. Chapter 3

Softly, his lips pressed against hers capturing her bottom lip with his. She tasted faintly of cherries, from the cakes they had been eating. He felt her breath hitch in her throat below him, as he kissed her softly. The kiss was magical. Absolutely nothing like kissing her while she was dead and lifeless in his arms, like no other kiss he had before. His hands wrapped around her exposed hips, his finger tips digging into her warm soft skin, she kissed him back as he had hoped. He lost himself in their kiss, unaware he was moving his hand gently to her face, cupping her chin and rubbing the pad of this thumb against her cheek, he moaned into her softly. Time stood still as their kiss persisted.   
She pulled herself back from him slightly, moaning, ‘Taemin,’ mindlessly he lifted himself out of her, opening his eyes, high on the magic of their contact.  
He looked down at her and panicked, she had tears in her eyes.   
‘I’m s-s-sorry,’ he fumbled, confused as to why she was crying. ‘I just – I’m – I –‘he began trying to apologise over and over.   
‘No, no, I’m sorry,’ her words caught in her throat as a tear escaped down the side of her cheek.   
The panic in his mind had begun dancing in his stomach. Maybe he was wrong to have kissed her, in fact he was definitely wrong, he thought as logic crashed into his mind. He didn’t know how he felt, it was an automatic reaction he should have controlled. He didn’t want to hurt her or lose her before their friendship had even begun.   
‘No I shouldn’t have,’ he leaned backwards giving her space, awkwardly removing his other hand from her bare skin.   
‘No, I wanted to.’ She told him, grabbing his arms from leaving her. His eyes met hers again, she seemed so small below him, she really was precious.   
‘You did?’ He asked incredulously. His heart flipping in his ever-tightening chest.   
She gave him a heart-breaking smile, ‘Yeah, I did,’ she spoke softly, as he continued to cradle her in the crook of his arm. ‘I’m just, overwhelmed, I – I don’t know.’ She tried explaining with a heavy sigh. He looked deeply down at her, realising she really was terrified. Terrified of feeling, terrified of what she did feel. He guessed maybe she was as confused about her feelings towards him as he was about her.   
‘It’s ok, I understand.’ He whispered softly back, trying to make it ok.   
She reached up and lightly stroked the side of his face with her thumb. Watching him with the same innocence and tenderness as a child finding something new for the very first time. It was endearing how she did that.   
‘I don’t want to ru – I’m scared,’ she mumbled, her green eyes so big he could feel himself getting lost in them. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ She added softly.   
His chest tightened. ‘I don’t want to lose you too.’ He admitted to her. It was the truth, he wasn’t sure what his feelings where, if she was just a friend he needed, or if he wanted something more with her, either way, he didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. ‘I need you.’ He told her sweetly.   
She smiled up at him. ‘I don’t know why.’ She confessed simply. ‘I don’t know if we are friends, if we are – if there is something else – you’re - you could be with anyone else, I’m not – ‘ she was mumbling, he wasn’t sure how he felt, but he wanted to protect her from the uncertainty she was feeling at that moment.   
‘I don’t know too, what this is.’ He said slowly, ‘I’m also scared,’ he touched her face lightly rubbing away the tears lingering there. ‘I have all these feelings I can’t work out, but we can just take it slowly?’ He asked in conclusion, though it sounded like a question. Take what slowly though he wasn’t sure.   
She smiled, ‘Yeah, slowly is good.’ She nodded up at him. He smiled back and relaxed himself backwards into the pillows. He still wanted to hold her though.   
‘Jennifer?’ He whispered.   
‘Yeah?’ she responded, she hadn’t moved from right next to him.   
‘Can we still cuddle though?’ He grinned, looking back at her.   
‘Yeah,’ she giggled back. She turned on her side facing away from him but leaning into him. Shifting his legs up under her he wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her closely into him, protectively. His head was just above hers, he could smell the coconut in her hair as he relaxed in the soft mattress with her. It seemed crazy to Taemin how comfortable he was with her like this. He thought he would be awkward, after all, she was basically a total stranger, if you thought of the dreams as just that, dreams.   
The heat from her body warmed him, lulling him into a tranquil state he hadn’t thought was possible.   
‘Do you believe in fate?’ He asked her softly, stroking the soft skin of her exposed stomach lightly.   
‘I don’t know. I used to, but I don’t like the idea we are not in control of our lives.’ She sighed, he couldn’t see her face, but he knew her eyes we closed as her body relaxed against him.   
‘Hmm, yeah I used to think the same way.’ He muttered softly.   
‘You don’t think so now?’ she asked into the darkness.   
‘No.’ he sighed, his fingertips still grazing her skin slowly, without any thought about what he was doing. ‘I feel like there was some kind of fate involved in me meeting you. Like Jonghyun said.’ He whispered back.   
‘I’m afraid you will – I don’t know, I’m afraid this isn’t real.’ She breathed.   
He had the same feeling himself, ‘But it is real?’ he said, his hold tightening around her as if to prove it.   
‘I’m afraid.’ She told him sadly.   
He leaned over and kissed her cheek lightly. ‘Don’t be frightened with me.’ He breathed softly into her ear. ‘I want you to be here with me.’   
‘I think, I want to be with you too.’ She muttered before they both fell into a comfortable dreamless sleep for the first time in months. 

Taemin woke up warm and comfortable. Jennifer was asleep still, opening his eyes, he was on his side, his arms still tightly around her, her arm around him as she nestled into his chest, their legs entwined together. He closed his eyes again. He was content like this. For the first time in a very long time, he was absolutely content.   
He realised he had not had a single dream. He didn’t go into the white room, and he wondered if maybe that was because she was with him physically. He tightened his hold around her not wanting to give up the comfort she provided him. Her deep rhythmic breathing on him eased him from the usual uneasiness he would often feel if he had slept with a woman before. Though maybe that was because he had never slept with a woman and not had sex with them before. The thought confused him. What if he did sleep with Jennifer, like that, and it ruined everything. What if they became a couple and it was the same as it had been with anyone else he had ever dated. He shook the thought from his brain. Jennifer was his friend. This was no different than sharing a bed with Jinki, or Jongin, though true they didn’t necessarily cuddle like this, and this, this was nice.   
Did he want to sleep with her that way? He looked down at her, she looked so sweet, peaceful as her long dark eyelashes splayed out in a way he had never noticed on someone before, and that seed of longing started to grow inside him again. His mind wandered to Jongin, and maybe Jongin was right, he should give it a go, but then, what if it ruined it.   
He began to sing softly, letting his mind daydream, he didn’t even realise he was singing quietly until he stopped.   
‘Don’t stop.’ Jennifer mumbled from the depths of his chest surprising him.   
He looked down and chuckled. ‘You’re awake.’ He whispered to her.   
She pulled herself out from his hold, leaving him feeling slightly cold at the loss of her heat. She blinked a few times, ‘Yeah.’ She smiled.   
‘Did I wake you up? I didn’t realise I was singing.’ He asked her softly, a little worried she would think his behaviour was too weird.   
‘No, you have a nice voice.’ She said sleepily.   
She had moved back a fraction, her head still turned to him on the pillow, her eyes tracing his face, the same way his were taking in hers. The same feeling of longing to kiss her came over him.   
He swallowed the feeling back. He didn’t want to upset her again, and he wanted time to work out what he really wanted from this. He couldn’t behave like Baekhyun and keep kissing her. She didn’t belong to him, and that thought, saddened him.  
‘Do you want to sleep again?’ He asked settling for reaching out to her and stroking a stray hair back from her eyes behind her ears.   
‘No, I’m awake now.’ She sighed softly, scrunching her face up cutely, making his insides squirm again uncomfortably.   
‘Do you want to eat?’ He asked her, wondering what to do now.   
‘Not yet,’ she told him with a yawn.   
‘What do you want baby?’ he asked her quietly, the word baby came rolling out easily, automatically.   
She gave him an odd look, her eyes frowning together. ‘Baby?’ she questioned, her face recovering as her eyebrow raised slightly.   
‘Shit, I – I don’t know what that was,’ he confessed lamely. Though he wasn’t ashamed, he liked the way it sounded.   
‘It’s, - It’s ok,’ she grinned, ‘I like it.’   
They stared at each other for a long time. He felt special under her eyes, like he hadn’t before. It was like watching a child take in the world for the first time.   
A knock at the door broke their comfortable contact. He sighed deeply, hoping to get rid of whoever it was quickly.   
‘Wait here.’ He whispered to her, pulling himself out of the bed and padding across the room to the door.   
He had expected either his manager, or Jongin, and he got the latter as he threw the door open. He didn’t even have to say anything as Jongin looked at him and said with a wide grin, ‘She’s, here isn’t she?’   
Taemin rolled his eyes and blushed. Nodding unwillingly at the glee on his friend’s face.   
‘What do you want?’ He asked him, to change the subject.  
‘Did you sleep with her?’ Jongin asked ignoring him completely but dropping his voice ever so slightly.   
‘No!’ Taemin said in a hushed frustrated tone.   
‘Come on Tae, why not? But she slept here? You’re an open book I can read it on your face.’ He said practically skipping on the spot.   
‘Jongin, what do you want?’ Taemin asked again more forcefully.   
‘I wanted to see if you wanted to eat, but now I see you’re busy…’ his eyes danced.   
‘Ok Bye Jongin,’ Taemin said attempting to push the door closed.   
‘Oh wait, are you going to come later?’ He asked, pulling himself out of his momentary glee.   
‘I don’t know yet.’ Taemin shrugged again, it wasn’t exactly in the forefront of his mind right now, but he knew it would mean a lot to Jongin if he was there. ‘I’ll try ok?’ he added.   
‘Ok, say hi from me.’ Jongin teased handing over passed to the stadium, as Taemin finally closed the door on him.   
Taemin walked back into the room. Jennifer had sat herself up in the pillows, she had a sweet air of morning about her. The waves in her hair seemed adorably messy, but she didn’t look like she had been asleep.   
‘Sorry,’ Taemin apologised with a sheepish grin, jumping back on the bed and leaning on his arm to look at her.   
‘Jongin?’ She asked with an amused look.   
‘Yeah, he -,’ Taemin thought for a moment, ‘He wants me to come and watch him perform later, he gave us passes, if you want to go?’ He brandished the passes in his hands.   
She seemed temporarily taken back as she appraised him. ‘Me too?’ She asked, her voice dropping shyly.   
‘Yeah you too.’ He smiled at her, ‘You want to spend the day with me, right?’ he asked the seed of doubt troubling him.   
‘Yeah,’ she said quickly, grinning, ‘But uh – I might need to go to my place first, and change,’ she told him looking down at herself still in his shorts and t-shirt.   
He surveyed her mockingly. ‘Are you sure? I think you can pull that look off.’ He teased as she shoved him.   
‘I will order breakfast to the room, then I’ll call my manager and stop him fussing, and then get the driver to take us to your place.’ He stated as he sneaked an arm around her waist.   
‘Ok, that sounds good, then, what do you want to do?’ she asked, her eyes widening as he snuggled closer to her.   
All his brain could think of was kissing her right in that moment, but he didn’t, just about holding himself back.   
‘Um, I don’t know, I don’t know Singapore well.’ He admitted, distracted by the pout on her lips.   
‘We don’t want to go to the city, there’s too many people, but there is a place I know, a beach, it’s quiet.’ She told him, as he flicked his eyes back to hers.   
‘Ok,’ he agreed with a grin.   
‘Taemin?’ she asked his eyes flicking back to her mouth.   
‘Yeah?’ he breathed. He was inching closer to her, though he hadn’t realised.   
‘Taemin, you’re staring.’ She stated in a whisper with a small smile playing around her lips. He couldn’t help himself then. He was inches away from her, throwing away all caution and logic he leaned in and cupped her face as he kissed her with a little more force than he intended. As they connected he moaned, unaware of how much he wanted her lips until he got them.   
She pulled away first, smiling apologetically. He knew he shouldn’t have. What had come over him? He had scared her again.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he told her.  
‘It’s ok.’ She said quickly, pecking him on the cheek to let him know it was ok. ‘Ok, so I’m going to use the bathroom ok? You order food.’ she started to detangle herself from the sheets of the bed, leaning up on her knees.   
He moaned, reaching out for her, barely grasping the fabric of his own shirt on her as she left him feeling alone on the bed.   
‘But what do you want to eat?’ he pouted into the pillow, trying to get control of himself. You can’t do that Taemin, why are you doing this, trying to keep hold of her. She isn’t yours he told himself, frustrated with his own brain.   
‘Anything,’ she shouted back at him, disappearing into the bathroom and locking the door.   
He dragged himself up, calling and ordering everything they had for breakfast, and then calling his manager, explaining he would be busy relaxing and not to bother him. His manager was fine with the arrangement, always trying to make sure Taemin took as much time off as he needed. He arranged a car to take them to her apartment in an hour or so, whenever they were ready. By the time she emerged from the bathroom, wearing her clothes from the previous day. It was like the spell had been broken. She handed him back the borrowed garments, and she was back to being his friend, the girl from the dreams. His heart plummeted at the loss in his chest.   
After they ate he showered quickly, and changed, trying to make himself look inconspicuous, with a cap, in case they got noticed, he knew it would be no good for her to be photographed with him, or even caught with him.   
Thankfully, as they left his room, he knew Exo would not be hanging around at all. They would be at the stadium all day preparing for the show, so he didn’t have to worry about Baekhyun catching them together.   
‘How far do you live from here?’ He asked her as they descended the floors to the basement alone in the elevator.   
‘Uh, I guess around 10 minutes away by car, not really far. There’s basement parking there, so we can just drive in.’ she told him. She was holding herself stiffly, it seemed in her mind the closeness they shared in his hotel room was gone too.   
Her place was as she had said, 10 minutes away. Traffic was not bad, as she directed the driver into her building car park.   
‘Um, do you want to come up?’ she asked turning to him as the driver killed the engine.   
‘Yeah.’ He smiled, feeling a little awkward but curious at the same time.   
She pulled out her bags from yesterday and directed him into the elevator. She lived on the 5th floor. It was a nice building, or at least it looked it from the outside.   
They stepped out onto the floor and he followed her around the hallway to her door.   
Letting them in she walked in first, dropping the bags on a large bed like sofa, with blue fabric pillows and leather arms, in the middle of what seemed to be a living room. It was clean, minimal, with very few belongings.   
‘Have you not lived here long?’ He asked, his eyes wandering to the bare walls, and lack of much furniture.   
‘No, well, about 3 years.’ She said sadly.   
‘Oh,’ he had expected maybe a few months, but he chose not to ask any more questions.   
‘Do you want a tour?’ she asked, watching him closely.   
He met her eyes and blushed slightly. He must look similar to how she looked last night. ‘Sure,’ he grinned, following her. It was a small place. A small kitchen, with barely any utensils, the bathroom was modern, clean, and two bedrooms. One room obviously wasn’t used much, it housed piles of boxes which she told him were supplies from her shop, and then he found himself in her bedroom. It was familiar. The door to the room was in the right-hand corner. He had seen her bed before, a simple wooden frame, with white sheets, hard wood floor.   
He hovered, shocked as he remembered the dream, he had held her on that bed, dead in his arms, sobbing for her to come back. The air around him seemed to disappear, he couldn’t be in this room.  
‘I – I will wait outside.’ He said, stepping backwards awkwardly and practically running back into her living room. 

He went and sat in her living room, shaking, he was freaked out with the feelings he was experiencing. It hadn’t occurred to him the room he saw her die in was a real room. But of course it had to be real. It bothered him even more that it was her own bedroom, and he began to hate the idea of her living here, alone.   
He paced the room, trying to calm himself down as he waited for her. Noticing her cigarettes poking out of her bag, perched on top of the sofa he called out to her, ‘Jenni, can I have a cigarette?’.   
‘Yeah,’ she called back instantly. He took the packet and the lighter without thinking, and opened the door to his left, leading him onto a small balcony. She had a tiny glass table outside, along with two iron chairs. He lit the cigarette and sat, letting the nicotine calm him.   
Locating an ashtray as he finished and put out the cigarette she appeared. The sight of her relaxed him even more. Wearing a short summer dress in white, with buttons all the way up the front, his heart melted.   
‘You look nice.’ He said, unconsciously standing up for her. She had tied her hair up loosely, bits of her wavy hair falling softly around her face, exposing her slim neck and shoulders. There was no denying it to himself any longer that he was actually attracted to her. She smiled back at him her thanks, turning away from him while he watched her pack towels into a large canvass bag.   
‘Do you mind if I smoke first before we go?’ She asked him, following him out onto the balcony.   
‘No, actually I think I need another,’ he said quickly.   
‘Do you smoke?’ she asked him quizzically.   
‘Not usually but I need one.’ He took the packet back from her lighting it quickly.   
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked turning to face him as she leaned against the railing. He strode over to her in one fast movement, holding her in a similar way he did the previous day, when he finally was alone with her in the hallway.   
‘I – I’m sorry, your room freaked me out.’ He shook his head letting her go out of his grasp, bashfully looking at her taking another long drag on the cigarette.   
‘Wh – oh,’ she understood why. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled, looking away from him.   
He reached out, grabbing her free hand with his own, rubbing his thumb into the palm of her hand.   
‘I need you.’ He told her again. He wanted to say something more profound, something winning and deep, but those were the only words finding their way out.   
She only smiled back at him disbelievingly, not saying a word as they finished smoking. ‘Ok, let’s go.’ She turned into the apartment, locking the door after them.   
She picked up the canvas bag and put on sunglasses as they left. She was getting more confident as she spoke to the driver to tell him where to go.   
‘So it’s a beach?’ Taemin asked her, his fingers locking into hers as the car drove easily through the streets of Singapore. He seemed unable to keep his hands to himself, it was as if a crushing urge to make sure she was there had taken him over.   
‘Yeah, it’s usually quiet, but it should be especially quiet for a weekday.’ She replied, holding his hand tightly back. ‘It’s not far, it’s about 20 minutes.’   
Taemin had managed to gain better control of himself, his freak out from half an hour ago completely disappeared from his brain as he began to relax and enjoy himself.   
The beach she took him to was indeed secluded. He figured only locals must know about it, shadowing her down a short set of stone steps onto the sand, dotted with large red and white umbrellas. It wasn’t a big cove, maybe 500 meters wide, and about 10 meters or so from the steps to the bright blue sea in front of them. Looking around there was only one other couple on the far end of the beach, an older looking couple who seemed to be asleep.   
He held her hand tightly as he trailed after her to the opposite end of the beach from the couple, to the last isolated umbrella. Dropping his hand and her bag she pulled out a giant white towel for him, and one for herself, throwing it down onto the sand under the shade. He copied her, placing his own towel close to hers, then took off his shirt and sat down.   
She eyed him a little, though he couldn’t tell what she was thinking, the sunglasses covered her eyes so well and the rest of her face give away nothing. Hesitating with a gentle sigh, she took off her sandals, and then unbuttoned her dress, revealing small a deep red bikini.   
From behind his own sunglasses he admired her figure, she was slender and petite, her waist curved inwards delightfully. It didn’t cross his mind when she said beach he would see her in such a semi state of undress, though now she was it was a stupid thing not to have assumed. His overpowering urges to touch her flared stronger inside him than ever before.   
She laid down on her own towel face down, turning her face towards him. Again he copied her, laying on his front. He took his own sunglasses off, then reached for hers, sliding them down her nose.   
‘Better,’ he smiled at her. ‘I like to see your eyes.’   
‘You’re strange.’ She teased him, wrinkling her nose. Giggling he gazed at her. Her eyes were so much greener than he originally thought, they were penetrating and fascinating.   
‘Your eyes are so green.’ He told her.   
‘Yeah, in the sun they look brighter, almost not brown at all.’ She told him with a coy smile.   
He hummed back with a smirk, in the white room they had definitely looked browner, a soft brown but brown none the less.   
‘Do you come here a lot?’ he asked her about the beach.   
‘I used to, sometimes I come at night. There aren’t many people here at night either, not a lot of people know about it, and certainly no tourists.’ She told him, stretching out.   
‘It’s been a long time since I relaxed on a beach.’ He told her softly.   
‘When was the last time you had a holiday?’ She asked him.   
He thought about it for a while, if he was honest he couldn’t remember. ‘This year has been pretty crazy for me, I think, a long time before Jonghyun…’ his voiced perished as she gave him a mournful look.   
‘They gave us time off, when he … but it wasn’t exactly a holiday, grief and sorrow just seemed to consume everyone. I couldn’t wait to be busy and work again just to do something to stop thinking about it.’ He admitted.   
‘Did you, I mean did you get help, for what you were going through?’ she asked him. They hadn’t talked a lot about Jonghyun. Truth be told Taemin hadn’t wanted to talk about it with anyone, not even his closest friends.   
‘Not really. They offered it to us, Key saw someone, but the rest of us, just kind of dealt with it the best way we knew how.’ He explained.   
‘I’m sorry,’ she said to him softly. ‘It’s the idea of what it would do to others that stops me from … I don’t know about Jonghyun, I know when that cloud of darkness gets you, it consumes you, and you can’t see any light at all.’ She told him sadly, all too knowingly in her voice.   
‘I know,’ he said just as miserably. He did understand. Depression was something horrible, and in a place like Korea it just wasn’t discussed, getting help was too hard.   
‘You were my light.’ She said suddenly, pulling him out of his own thoughts. He stared at her, waiting for her to continue.   
‘When I was darkest, I just couldn’t see anything to stay for. Everything eats away at you from the inside, even the stupidest things. It makes you hollow, so there’s nothing left. I have my own business I’ve worked hard for, and I just couldn’t find the joy or the satisfaction in that. I couldn’t see any light anywhere. Everything was black, I wanted to go to sleep and stay asleep, and then you were there, and you were sweet.’ She explained delicately. She hadn’t talked to him a lot about her own battle with her demons, and Taemin was willing to listen to every word she had to say.   
‘I want it to stay that way,’ he told her, reaching around her back pulling himself closer to her to stroke her exposed skin. ‘When I saw you in that room, and then at your apartment just now. It was the worst feeling I’ve had besides when I found out about Jonghyun.’ He explained, with his tone still faint and sad. ‘I’m ok with being your light.’ She grimaced to his astonishment at his words.   
‘What?’ he asked her puzzled at her reaction.   
‘I told you before. I don’t want to burden you with me. You are … I don’t want to ruin you.’ She murmured looking down at her hands drawing circles in the sand.   
‘Please, don’t, don’t do that.’ he told her, lifting her chin up so her eyes met him again. ‘There is always a way, if you want it badly enough. I want you in my life.’   
‘You don’t need a friend like me.’ She told him.   
There was that word again. Friend. Something about it stabbed at him unnervingly.   
‘I think that’s complete shit.’ He told her, forcing her to look at him again. ‘I think you are incredible.’ She was watching him vividly, like she was daring herself to believe him, so he continued. ‘You’ve done so much, mostly alone. What I do, what I’ve done, yeah, I’ve worked hard, but I’ve had teams of people helping me and guiding me. You are smart, loyal, funny, brave.’ The sides of her mouth twitch slightly in the same way they had once twitch in the white room.   
‘And incredibly beautiful.’ He finished boldly.   
The blush spreading in her cheeks deepened, making him ache. ‘Yeah right.’ She mumbled half to herself.   
‘Really, you’re so real. Everyone I know is fake. No one really looks the way they look in the videos, in the photos, it’s all make up and lights. But you have real beauty.’ He throbbed with seriousness. He had never told anyone something like this before, and now he had started, he was finding it hard to stop.   
‘You’re so cheesy.’ She laughed at him, trying to lighten the mood, placing her hand on his arm.   
Grinning back, he added, ‘It’s more than that. I told you last night you remind me of Jonghyun. Not in the way you look or speak or act, but just something about you is similar, it gives me a similar feeling. I miss him, more than words can describe, and it hurts, every day it hurts, but since I met you in that room, it hurts me less somehow.’   
She was staring back at him, her wide green eyes focused solely on him. Taking in every word he was saying, he knew she could understand how he felt, without explaining he knew she got it.   
‘I feel similar,’ she sighed. ‘I’ve felt empty, hallow, and you fill that. But I …’ her voice got lost as she turned her gaze away.   
‘But what?’ he asked keen to know.   
She fixed her eyes on him. ‘I’m scared I’m relying on you too much. I’m afraid of being left alone again, I’m not enough.’ Her voice broke his heart along with her words.   
He silenced her with a kiss. He wanted her to know she was enough, to know he wanted her, he wasn’t going to leave her.   
‘Taemin,’ she whined, breaking away from him, placing the hand from his arm on his chest to push him lightly backwards. ‘You have to stop.’   
‘Why?’ he asked, though he was frightened too. He had these overwhelming feelings for her, and now he had admitted to himself he was attracted to her, it was getting messy, but he couldn’t control himself. He wanted her.   
‘I’m – I’m scared I’m falling for you, and it’s impossible …’ she refused to meet his eyes.   
He knew then, he was falling for her. He had fallen for her, harder than he had for anyone before. Besides the fact, he had never truly been in love before.   
‘One you are enough and two, nothing is impossible.’ He told her, as his finger trailed her waist down to her hip. ‘I’ve not felt, this way before.’ He confessed to her, coyly.   
‘You’ve never been in love?’ She asked him, clearly changing the topic, but he didn’t mind so much.   
‘No, I mean I thought I was, but I never allowed anyone to get close enough to me. They were in love with me, I think. But I never opened myself to them enough, trusted them enough. With you, it seems easy for me to open up.’   
‘Yeah I understand.’ She told him, ‘I could always be open, too much, give too much,’   
‘You deserve all the love you give back, and more.’ He told her. Her eyes met his at this. A strange look of understanding exchanged between them.   
‘I, I think I’ve been fighting my feelings. I want to protect you, I got jealous of Baekhyun even talking to you and tried to convince myself it was only friendly feelings.’ He said more easily than he assumed he would be able to.   
‘Taemin, I – I don’t know, I don’t want to hurt you either, I really like you, but I don’t know if I’m ready.’ She explained, kindly. ‘I know what being with someone who is depressed is like. You can love them and give so much, but they have to overcome it for themselves. I don’t want you to end up like me.’   
He got it then. She was worried he would end up resenting her. She would turn out like her ex, and it would ruin it. Whatever feelings she did have for him she was trying to sacrifice them for him.   
‘But you’re not like him.’ Taemin said as kindly as he could referring to her ex. She considered him as he continued. ‘He didn’t want to admit his problems, right? He didn’t want help, he didn’t want to get better by the sound of it. You seem like you do.’   
‘I do. This isn’t me. But I don’t know if I just need more time to get through it.’ She explained, the cute line between her eyebrows forming.   
‘We can be slow, we can just be friends, but I think you need to know you’re not alone anymore.’ He told her. ‘It doesn’t have to be this hard if you let me in. He pushed you away and made it harder for himself. Don’t do that to me.’ He begged of her.   
She eyed him, undoubtedly taking in his words. Daring to believe him, he hoped he had gotten through to her until she said, ‘I just don’t feel worthy of anyone.’   
‘Hey,’ he moved his hand from her back, under her chin and along her jaw, ‘Let me make you feel worthy then. Let me show you I’m worthy of you, not the other way around baby.’ He whispered.   
Her eyes were so wide, so helpless he could see she wanted to believe him. It was the cloud in her mind that was stopping her.   
‘Please don’t push me away.’ He whispered leaning into her, capturing her mouth with his own. The kiss started slow, and tender, moving lovingly on her lips with his, she moaned softly, unleashing his pent-up passion to burst out. He pushed her backwards onto the towel, his body following, pressing against her. Their kissing became feverish, his tongue met hers, sending a shiver down his spine. Dragging his tongue across her lip, her arms found their way around his neck and into his hair, as she slowly gave into it. He trailed his own hand down her sides, letting his fingers dig into her skin, pulling at her, pressing himself down into her. He nibbled on her lip, teasing his tongue across, making her whimper again, triggering a moan from him too.   
She wrapped her legs around him, his hand digging into her sides finding its way under her body, lifting her towards him. In one quick and impressive movement, he sat himself up, pulling her up with him, their lips never breaking contact, despite the noise of shock coming from deep in her throat.   
This way he could hold her closely with both arms around her as they kissed. He had never kissed anyone with such thirst before. He didn’t want it to stop. He required all of her, needing to taste all of her. His hands roamed up and down her back, landing on her backside, pushing her into him more. A throaty growl escaped him, as she pressed her soft body against his hard chest.   
‘We have to stop.’ She pulled back, looking into his eyes deeply, the desire he felt reflected back at him in his own eyes.   
‘Why,’ he whined, his lips finding her neck instead, he couldn’t bare the loss of her skin against his mouth as he planted delicate kisses down to her collar.   
‘Oh god.’ She moaned, clearly enjoying the feeling, ‘Because we can’t do this on a beach with an elderly couple watching.’ She sighed.   
He turned to look over his shoulder. Sure enough the couple who had been sleeping on their arrival had their heads turned shamelessly in their direction watching them.   
‘Ughhhh,’ he growled turning back and placing kisses down her chest that was level with his mouth.   
‘Let’s go in the water.’ She told him, pulling his head back to look up at her, with a smirk on her face. 

 

‘I need sun cream,’ she told him, untangling herself from around him and leaning over to her bag, producing a bottle of sun protection.   
She sprayed some on herself, as Taemin observed, then said, ‘Give it to me.’ Handing over the bottle, he twirled his finger in a circle indicating for her to turn.   
He sprayed her back and began rubbing the lotion into her shoulders and down her back lightly.   
As he got to the top of her bikini shorts, he lingered, she turned to look over her shoulder at him.   
‘I think you got it.’ She smiled at him amused.   
He grinned back, throwing his arms around her, pulling her into him, he kissed her neck.   
‘Oh, now you taste like sun cream.’ He screwed up his face as soon as his lips met her neck.   
She laughed at him, scrambling out of his hold and taking the bottle back to finish applying the cream to herself.   
‘Ok let’s go.’ She jumped up lightly, pulling him up with her. His fingers held securely onto hers as he followed her down to the waters edge.   
The water itself was a bright clear blue, sparkling with the sun and surprisingly calm. He stood on the edge letting the warm water wash over him, taking in the salty air smell, he watched as Jennifer waked straight in. He didn’t wait around for long before he followed her, taking a few steps before it was deep enough for him to sink to his knees and let the salty water wash over him. The sand beneath his feet was soft, but the sea bed was occasionally littered with big rocks, some that also stood out along the coast line. He swam towards Jennifer who was bobbing in the water a few meters away from him.   
‘It’s so warm.’ He said as he sneaked up on her, wrapping both arms around her from the back and nestling his head into her shoulder. Being in the water was like sitting in a warm bath.   
‘What did you expect?’ she laughed wrapping her own arms on top of his as the lull of the sea gently swayed them together.  
‘I don’t know, nothing really.’ He said, staring out into the horizon. He was comfortable in the water like this, with her in his arms, swaying with the ocean and the sand between his toes.   
‘You’re making me hot.’ She complained, wriggling out from his grasp.   
‘Oh really?’ he chuckled, his mind going into a different direction.   
She turned to look at him snorting, before she swam away, heading towards a large rock in the distance. He caught up to her quickly, his size and strength outweighing her completely.   
They swam around for a while in the ocean, occasionally pointing out brightly coloured fish to each other, or watching crabs scuttling across the ocean floor while they tread in the water, talking about nothing.   
Finding a large rock, Taemin climbed up, thankful for the cool breeze passing around his shoulders. He held his hands out for Jennifer to climb up and perch next to him. Leaning back letting the sun wash over him, he realised how truly undemanding this was. How finally relaxed he was. It wasn’t clear to him if it was the sun on his bones, the salty sea water clinging to him, or the company but for the first time in over a year his body and his mind were completely tranquil.   
‘It’s crazy that I’m so comfortable with you, even though I technically met you yesterday.’ She commented to him, watching the large tanker ships pass on the horizon.   
He turned to watch her, the strands of hair around her face blowing back in the wind, and her eyes lighting up with the sun making them look a brilliant green. She was as mesmerising as a mermaid.  
‘Yeah but we didn’t really meet yesterday.’ He said, pressing his hand against the palm of her own, measuring how large his were in comparison.   
‘Yeah, but it’s weird isn’t it?’ she asked him, her gaze turning to their hands.   
‘It’s not, normal, I guess.’ He sighed, twisting his fingers around hers. ‘But it doesn’t mean we don’t know each other. I feel like I’ve known you forever.’   
She gave him a cautious glance, watching their hands mesh together. ‘It’s a lot to take in.’   
‘Had we met normally, not in a dream, this ‘relationship’ would have been moving incredibly slowly. It only feels strange, but it’s not.’ He shrugged with a smirk.   
‘I don’t know, it feels quick to me.’ She admitted.   
‘Does it feel wrong though?’ he asked, worried he was being too familiar with her.   
‘No.’ she breathed into the wind. ‘But -,’   
‘No buts.’ He said, with his free hand cupping her face and pulling her gaze onto him, planting a kiss on her lips.   
‘You taste salty now.’ He laughed.   
She smiled, but it was a sad smile. ‘What?’ he asked gently, ‘What’s wrong baby?’   
She sighed, he knew this was what she did when she had something playing on her mind but didn’t want to admit it.   
‘I’m worried -,’ she began, slowly. He kept his eyes on her. ‘You are from Korea, I live here. You aren’t staying here forever, and I’m worried when you’re gone, I’ll go back to feeling – like before, like this was all a dream too.’   
He had to admit, the thought played in the back of his mind a little. He was so high on the overpowering feelings of seeing her, wanting her, he hadn’t exactly thought out the logistics of the situation. It occurred to him, this was a short, very short trip, but the moment was too good to dwell on it.   
His life wasn’t exactly simple. He travelled and worked a lot. He kept himself busy, it was a hard life for anyone, let alone ask someone to come along with him and give up their life. Slipping his arm around her shoulders, he pulled her close into him and didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what to say, how to fix it, how it was going to work. All he knew was that he wanted it to.  
‘It won’t be like a dream. I promise.’ He told her eventually, though he wasn’t sure he could keep that promise.   
‘I’m hungry.’ She moaned, changing the subject rapidly.   
As she said it, he was too. ‘Ok, let’s get food.’ He told her, as she slipped off the rock and back into the water.   
‘I brought Sushi, is that ok?’ she looked up at him as he shuffled himself down into the water.   
‘You brought sushi?’ he asked comically.   
‘Yeah I had it in my fridge. I was going to eat it yesterday, and then I ended up having dinner with you. So I brought it today.’ She said matter of factly.   
He laughed, she was well prepared for the beach. There didn’t seem anywhere around to go and buy something from, and she had packed towels and food. It didn’t even register to him that he would need a thing.   
‘Ok, as long as it doesn’t have cucumber. I hate cucumber.’ He pulled a face at the very idea of cucumber in his sushi.   
‘It has no cucumber I promise.’ She giggled, beginning to swim back to the shore. He reached out and grabbed her foot, pulling her back.   
‘Hey!’ she yelled as she almost went under the water.   
‘Sorry,’ he smirked, pulling her closer to him, ‘let me carry you.’ He requested, as she gave him a confused look.   
He moved around the front of her, then she got the idea. Throwing her arms around his neck, he hooked his own under her legs and walked them both out of the water. He ran up to the umbrella with her on his back. Screaming and giggling together he put her down gently as they reached the towels and sat down.   
She fished around in the bag she had brought, handing him a deli box filled with sushi, and then chop sticks, and bottles of water.   
‘You’re so organised.’ He commented thunderstruck, not hesitating as he opened the box and got stuck in.   
‘I’ve always been.’ She said doing the same thing with her own box. They ate together in almost silence, listening to the waves that had begun to get bigger and crash against the beach.   
When they finished Taemin positioned himself behind her on her towel. ‘Lean back,’ he whispered in her ear, taking her weight on him with his legs around her.   
‘What time is Exo’s concert?’ she asked him, pulling himself out of his thoughts.   
‘Um, 5 I think.’ He told her, forgetting completely that Jongin had asked him to go.   
‘Do you want to go?’ she asked softly, sounding comfortable in his embrace.   
‘I -,’ he started. He wanted to support Jongin, but he wanted to be with her. He couldn’t put that into words. ‘I don’t know.’  
‘When do you have to leave?’ she asked him. He was a little taken back with the question.   
‘Tomorrow afternoon.’ He sighed, wishing he didn’t have to go.   
She hummed back at him, and he felt the need to reassure her.   
‘Come with me.’ He said, without thinking anything through.   
‘What?’ she asked him, with the note of surprise in her voice.   
‘Come to Korea with me.’ He repeated as if by saying it again it would make more sense.   
‘Taemin – I – I can’t.’ she sighed.   
‘Why can’t you?’ he asked, squeezing her hand.   
‘My business, my work.’ She started.   
‘You’re the boss.’ He stated dumbly.  
‘Yeah but I can’t just drop everything.’ She sighed.   
‘I don’t want to leave you yet.’ He said softly, kissing the side of her head affectionately.   
‘We don’t even know where this is – what this is.’ She said, sending a spike of pain into his heart.   
‘We don’t?’ he asked stupidly.   
She turned to face him, ‘Taemin, realistically, this can’t work.’ She said sadly.   
He was dumbstruck. Of course it could. ‘You don’t want - ?’ he began to ask, paranoid he had got the wrong idea after their all too passionate kiss.   
‘No, no I do.’ She whispered, stroking his face and looking at him powerfully. ‘But my business is here, you’re there, flying around, busy every day. You have a great career to focus on. I’m older than you, despite my other issues, I’m not good for you.’ It looked like it was breaking her heart to say these things to him.   
‘I don’t care how old you are, we can think of a way it can work, I’ve focused on my career for a long time, it’s fine and you are good for me, I lo-,’ he began to say the words that had been on his tongue all afternoon when she stopped him, pressing her fingers to his lips.   
‘Don’t, don’t say that. Don’t say it,’ her tone was terrified. Her wide eyes showed the depth of her fear.   
‘But if I feel it -,’ he pleaded with her.   
‘It’s too soon. We don’t – we haven’t – it’s just too soon, please I can’t take it if you say it and then you change your mind.’ She whispered shaking her head.   
‘I won’t change my mind.’ He declared.   
‘But you might, when it get’s hard. And it will get hard. When I get difficult, when we’re apart, you might find it’s not worth it. You don’t know me well enough.’ She uttered. He knew how frightened she was, she shook slightly in his arms. He was scared himself, but he found that he was more scared of being without her, more scared of not being with her, not loving her.   
‘Jenni.’ He said firmly, pouting at her. ‘I might not know when you had your first kiss, I might not know what food you hate, I haven’t see you when you’re in a bad mood and you’re tired and grumpy, but I know what you’re afraid of, I know what ghosts you have in your mind. I know what your weakness is, it’s the same as your biggest strength, your ability to love and sacrifice yourself for the person you love. I know the sound of your laugh when it’s real, I know when you don’t want to tell me something, I know that you’re strong, maybe the strongest person I’ve ever met. I know what’s in your heart. I know the things that matter.’ She stared at him in awe, with her lips slightly parted. ‘I am not going anywhere.’  
‘I know, I just – give me time to see that. Ok?’ she implored him. He couldn’t say no to those eyes.   
If that’s what it would take, he thought, then he would try and hold it back. ‘Ok.’ He nodded. ‘I’ll give you time.’ He tried to smile, but it wasn’t coming out as he wanted. 

 

They laid on the beach together talking and sitting in long silences for the next hour. Taemin had to hold her hand every chance he got, wrap his arms around her, or else just find some way to touch her. She didn’t complain even though she had stopped his hasty declaration of love.   
Around 3pm they decided to leave. Jennifer convinced him that going to support his friend was a good idea and didn’t want to be responsible for any bad feeling between them, especially after Jongin called Taemin to double check for the 100th time that he was coming.   
They decided to go back to Taemin’s hotel to shower and get ready. It wouldn’t be comfortable for either of them to go filled to the brim with sand.   
‘Oh do you have clothes?’ Taemin asked as he opened the door to the room allowing her to walk in first. Looking over her shoulder at him, she shot him a mischievous smile.   
‘What?’ he asked, his eyebrow raised waiting for it.   
‘I have everything in my bag of tricks.’ She winked at him, making him laugh at her. She placed the bag down on the bed, searching to the bottom of the seemingly endless capabilities of the bag, finding blue jeans and a white basic t-shirt.   
‘You can shower first.’ He offered, opening the door to the bathroom for her and hovering as she made her way past him.   
As she placed her clothes down on the counter, turning away from him, she began to unbutton her dress and he found he could not move. Turning, sensing him still there, she cocked her head to the side.   
‘Are you going to watch?’ She commented sarcastically, raising a brow.   
He flashed her a guilty smirk. ‘I want to.’ His words fell out brazenly.   
She scoffed at him, continuing to unbutton the dress, assuming he would leave, either that or she did not feel shy undressing considering she had been in a tiny red bikini all day with him.   
In two steps he was in front of her, sneaking his hands under the already undone dress, finding what bare skin he could, he pushed her backwards against the wall, his lips glued to hers, chivalry abandoned as desire took him over. He pushed himself up against her, as he tugged on the dress letting it fall to the ground. Somehow the difference of her being in the bikini in his hotel room, as opposed to the beach did terrible things to his mind.   
He moaned into her, placing his lips down her neck messily, his hands finding her ass and not letting go.   
‘What are you doing?’ she giggled into him as he tickled her salty skin with his tongue.   
‘You do this to me.’ His words came out muffled and rushed from the contact with her he so desperately wanted. His lips continued their assault on her skin as his hands, moving of their own accord, roamed upwards, pulling on the tie of the bikini top.   
‘Taemin, not now.’ She whimpered, though she did not sound like she remotely wanted to stop. ‘We have to be places.’ She confirmed, as if she was reminding herself more than she was warning him.   
‘Ok,’ he whined, prying himself unwillingly off her. ‘I just can’t help it.’ He grinned at her, resting his forehead on hers.   
‘I can see that.’ She whispered back, pecking him lightly on the lips before he finally did leave her to shower in peace.   
He padded back into the bedroom and threw himself down on the bed. He was a man, he had needs and he was frustrated. It did worry him though she might think he was trying to use her and that just wasn’t the case.   
Taemin was a little impatient and petulant, he usually got whatever he wanted, though he didn’t mind working for it. He kept reminding himself he had to go slow with her, it’s what she needed, after the mess she had been through for years, she needed to see him give her what she hadn’t had so far. Trust, attention, and as much love as he had to give.   
He wondered if going slowly meant not having sex with her. A crude thought, but any man who was attracted to a woman often thought the same thing. She had kissed him back every time he kissed her today at the beach. She had pressed herself into him, wrapped her arms around him, so he didn’t think she was overly shy about it, but it was something that maybe he should ask her, how she felt about it. Maybe her body was ready, but her mind wasn’t. Then again maybe she wanted it as much as he did.   
He decided when he was showering it would definitely have to be a very, very cold shower.   
His mind wandered over to what she had said to him at the beach. She was a little bit correct, he had been washed away with the emotions, with her body, her beautiful face, and the relaxing day. But he knew he did love her. Taemin was the king of denial, but once he admitted something to himself he could no longer deny whatever it was or run away from it. Usually he ran head first into it. From the moment he saw her die, that’s when he felt it. Jongin had been plaguing him to date, and he brushed it off constantly out of habit, denying his own feelings because he wasn’t sure of them. But spending the last 24 hours with her, he had the same overwhelming feelings he did when they were in the white room together. He did know her, and she was unlike anyone he knew. She was smart and funny, she made him laugh with her sarcasm and wit, made his heart beat faster with her vulnerability and love, her scars were not a turn off for him, but more proof she was strong, just severely unloved in a way he knew he could fulfil, if she let him. She was confident and yet shy at the same time. It was charming, how someone could be both, vulnerable and strong, confident and shy, wrapped up in a beautiful package.   
She was the light that had been missing in his life since Jonghyun left them. Since before Jonghyun left if he was totally honest. Taemin never dated around, he worked his ass off and told himself he was content with that and it was true for the most part. He let people set him up on dates, but he was never into it. Everyone else dated, but he ran away from it. It was too hard, too much effort for him. It always felt forced, and this, this wasn’t forced at all. This was as easy as being with any of his close friends. Except he didn’t want to sleep with any of them.   
The door to the bathroom opened, breaking him out of his own thoughts. He raised himself onto his elbows, watching her approach the bed. The simple outfit she was wearing seemed to suit her perfectly, he liked the easy casualness of it, though he had to stifle his laugh at the towel wrapped around her head.   
‘Don’t laugh at me, I was full of sand, and I don’t like getting my clothes wet from my hair.’ She pouted ironically at him.   
‘It suits you.’ He laughed dragging himself up and stealing a kiss before showering himself.   
It didn’t take him long to shower, though he did have to wash his hair too, finding, as Jennifer said he was also full of sand.   
Before he left the bathroom though, wrapped in only a towel at his waist, his eyes caught on a smaller towel hanging up on the back of the door.   
He made his way back into the bedroom, where she had disappeared but from the window he could see she was on his balcony smoking, her own head towel had been removed and her hair had begun to gently dry into soft waves in the breeze. He walked over innocently to the door, clearing his throat to get her attention.   
She shook her head up to look at him and burst into a fit of laughter as he had hoped. He had wrapped the smaller towel around his head similar to her.   
‘Suits you.’ She laughed, mocking him. Grinning back he went back inside to change, choosing, ironically, simple blue jeans and a white t-shirt.   
Walking back inside when he was ready, she appraised his clothing choices. ‘Are we matching?’ she asked him, in the same amused tone.   
‘I thought it looked so good on you, I would copy.’ He winked, earning himself an eyeroll from her, but she didn’t complain.   
It was around an hour before the show, and it shouldn’t take them that long to reach the stadium. They left together, holding hands.   
In the car as they made their way through the late afternoon of Singapore, she turned to him and asked him, ‘So, I know Jongin knows about this, I assume you told him about your dreams?’   
He turned to look at her, feigning embarrassment. ‘Yeah, I told him, he’s my best friend, and I started to panic after you disappeared. Actually I found you online, and he suggested I should call you, but then you were at the TV studio.’ He explained.   
‘Ah ok. I didn’t tell anyone.’ She replied, ‘so, when we get there, we arrive together, what are we going to tell them?’   
‘What do you mean?’ he asked, not understanding the point she was trying to make.   
‘I mean, doesn’t it look strange if you turn up with the make-up artist from the day before?’   
He hadn’t thought about it, but yeah, he guessed there might be questions. ‘We’ll just say Jongin gave you the pass, didn’t Baekhyun and Chanyeol invite you anyway?’ he told her, rubbing her knuckles in his hand.   
‘Yeah but then Baekhyun seemed to get a bit pissed after I slapped him.’ She mumbled turning to look out the window at the buildings flying past them.   
‘Don’t worry about him. We can blame Jongin, or we can say we know each other. Tell them you did make-up for SHINee last year.’ He shrugged, he didn’t really care what they thought. If he was honest he wanted to tell them they were a couple, he wanted to shout about it, and prove to her how much he wanted her with him, but he knew better.   
‘Ok, so the passes mean we sit where?’ She asked, her voiced lacked its usual confidence, and it was clear to him she was unsure how this all worked.   
‘We will sit in the seats like everyone else. But a little bit away from most people, so we shouldn’t be noticed. Don’t worry ok?’ he said with a smile, kissing the back of her hand as the car turned into the stadium, following the signs for performers and staff.   
They drove down a ramp, Taemin had to give the passes to the driver so they would let him in. As they parked, Exo’s manager was waiting for them.   
‘Hey,’ he said bowing to Taemin, who bowed deeply back with a smile. ‘Oh you’re with someone.’ The manager commented vaguely noticing that they were holding hands. Taemin wasn’t worried. He was allowed to date, and Exo’s manager really had no cares about what Taemin did.   
‘Yeah, she’s my friend.’ He told him, glancing down at Jennifer.   
The manager smiled at her and motioned for them to follow him. Taemin had performed himself in this stadium and he knew near enough how things worked and where things were. It was typical to have someone meet him at the entrance.   
‘Put this round your neck.’ Taemin said handing her the pass, though not letting her hand drop out of his.   
‘Shouldn’t we not hold hands?’ She asked him, curiously.   
‘Does it bother you if they know?’ He asked her seriously. If it was a problem for her he would stop.   
‘Maybe, I’m not sure.’ She said, as they walked quickly behind the manager through bland tunnels and hallways.   
‘Ok then.’ He dropped her hand, but stopped to kiss her one last time, as he knew he shouldn’t later on. He smiled at her reassuringly.   
Eventually they were directed into a dressing room, where Jongin, Junmyeon, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were all sat, dressed and fully made up.   
‘Hey,’ Jongin jumped up as soon as he noticed Taemin, beaming from ear to ear. Taemin couldn’t help the smile he repaid him.   
‘Hi Jennifer,’ Jongin winked at her, showering her with his smile too. ‘I’m glad you came.’ He told her.   
‘Thanks, for the tickets.’ She smiled back at him.   
‘Hey Taemin! And Jenni, Hi,’ Chanyeol came over greeting them, giving them both a strange sort of look of confusion.   
‘Hey,’ Jennifer greeted him shyly, as she did with the rest of the members who came to say hello to them. Each of them remembering her from the day before.   
She was pulled away from Taemin by Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, who insisted she get a drink and sit on the sofa with them. She seemed comfortable enough having spoken in depth with Kyungsoo especially, at dinner the day before.   
Jongin pulled Taemin to one side as Junmyeon followed the trio over to the sofa.   
‘So?’ He asked him simply.   
‘So what?’ Taemin asked him, his gaze going straight past Jongin and watching Jennifer intently as she got into a discussion with Kyungsoo and Junmyeon.   
‘Taemin, please don’t make me say it again. I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time.’ Jongin gave him a knowing look. ‘You like her.’ He explained plainly.   
‘Yeah, I do.’ Taemin confessed, feeling bashful in front of Jongin, who was practically dancing at his words.   
‘Good, thank god. I think she’s good for you,’ he told him, turning to watch her, laughing with Kyungsoo and Junmyeon, both who spoke English well enough and Chanyeol who was watching attentively, trying to catch the conversation. ‘Does she like you too?’   
‘I think so.’ Taemin said as honestly as he could, turning his attention back to Jongin.   
‘You think? Does that mean you didn’t…do it?’ Jongin wanted to know all the details.   
‘No we didn’t,’ Taemin kept his voice low. ‘But we did kiss.’ His voice escaped him in a far away dreamy way.   
‘Good good, so when are you going to see her again?’ Jongin continued to attack him with questions.   
‘I don’t know, we didn’t discuss it really. It’s complicated.’ Taemin cringed. He knew that conversation had to happen, and he wasn’t particularly looking forward to it as his eyes strayed back to her.   
‘Look at you,’ Jongin shoved him playfully, watching him closely.   
‘I think I love her.’ Taemin’s words escaped him tenderly.   
‘Whaaaatt?’ Jongin almost screamed, thankfully, only Kyungsoo noticed the outburst and decided to ignore it.   
‘Shhhh,’ Taemin said shoving him to calm down. ‘It’s complicated though, she’s been through things, she’s scared, and this life, it’s hard.’ Taemin sighed, picking himself up a bottle of water.   
‘It’ll be ok. Just reassure her. Minseok does it, his girlfriend is well hidden and they’re happy, almost a year now.’ Jongin tried to encourage him.   
‘Yeah, we’ll see. She wants to take things slowly.’ Taemin told him sourly.   
‘Just take it slowly then. I know you. You want to go head first into everything, but if that’s what she needs then do it.’ Jongin said, stealing another look at her. ‘You’re cute together though, I like the matching outfits.’ He gave him another playful push.   
Taemin beamed back at him. He was happy, he was glad of Jongin’s support, and his enthusiasm for the whole thing.   
‘Oh, Key is going to LOVE her.’ Jongin told him, his eyes flicking between Jennifer and Taemin.   
‘Yeah he is. I think they all will.’ Taemin said. He hadn’t thought about how she would fit in with the rest of the people in his life, but he knew instantly what Jongin just said was true. Key loved everyone, but he would flip some shit over someone like Jennifer.   
‘What happened with the Baekhyun thing then?’ Jongin asked lowering his voice. Taemin had forgotten all about it turning his full attention back to his friend.   
‘Oh, she said he kissed her then she slapped him. So I hope it won’t be awkward.’ Taemin shrugged. He liked Baekhyun, but he didn’t care if Baekhyun felt awkward really, he only cared how Jennifer would feel.   
Jongin chuckled at the information that she had slapped Baekhyun. ‘He’ll be fine. He gets over things quickly.’ Jongin shrugged with a smirk. ‘Are you telling everyone you’re together then or what?’ Jongin questioned.   
‘No, keep it quiet, I told her we would say we knew each other from last year when we performed here, and she was staff.’ Taemin responded, as Jongin nodded. He knew he could trust him not to blurt everything to anyone.   
‘So how was the rehearsal,’ Taemin asked him, directing the conversation away from his new found love life.   
They talked for around 15 minutes about Jongin’s day when Jongdae, Minseok, Baekhyun and Sehun appeared in the room. It was about 20 minutes until the show, and their manager had made an appearance behind them.   
‘Jennifer!’ Baekhyun exclaimed, a little over the top as he noticed her.   
‘Hi,’ she said, unless you knew, you wouldn’t hear the unease in her voice.   
‘You came, I’m so happy,’ he walked over to her, and hugged her, taking her by surprise.   
The rest of the members greeted Taemin, then Jennifer, freeing up Baekhyun to finally notice Taemin.   
‘Hey! You came too!’ He smiled widely at him, as Taemin greeted him stiffly back. There was something in Baekhyun’s eye that he just didn’t like.   
‘Yeah, since I was free I thought I would come with Jennifer,’ he told him, watching Baekhyun’s reaction closely.   
‘Oh you know each other?’ Baekhyun asked with mild surprise, slightly taken back.   
‘Yeah, from last year.’ Taemin told him, missing out details but sticking to the cover story.   
‘Oh cool, at least you both won’t be alone then.’ Baekhyun winked, recovering quickly from his astonishment.   
Within 5 minutes Taemin and Jennifer left them to get ready and made their way into the stands to take their seats.   
He grabbed her hand, as soon as they were out of view of anyone watching, and kissed her palm, something about the sensation of jealousy Baekhyun unfairly made him feel, caused him to make sure she knew he was there.   
‘You’re very tactile,’ she commented with a laugh as they slowly made their way down the empty hallway.   
‘Hmm,’ he sighed, stopping to cup her face and kiss her again.   
‘Taemin!’ Baekhyun shouted from along the hallway. They both turned breaking their kiss embarrassed at being caught. Jennifer dropped her eyes and turned away from Baekhyun clearly uncomfortable he had caught them.   
Taemin turned to Baekhyun, eyeing him. His face registered mild shock, then recovering into a smirk as he jogged up to them.   
‘Light sticks.’ He said, with an all too sweet smile, as he handed the sticks over to them.   
‘Thanks,’ Taemin responded taking them from him, as he made his way back to the dressing room without a single comment on their kiss.   
‘Oh god.’ Jennifer moaned, as soon as he was out of earshot.   
‘Don’t worry about it. They’ll all have to find out at some time.’ Taemin said, reaching his arm around her shoulders.   
‘I know, I just wish he hadn’t pushed himself on me yesterday. It makes me look bad.’ She whined as they turned the hallway, the sounds of thousands of fans beginning to get louder in their ears.   
‘That was him not you.’ Taemin reassured her easily, he was annoyed with him for doing something so brass to someone he loved.   
They climbed a set of stairs, Taemin explained they would be sitting close to the stage, in an empty pen that was reserved for only members of staff, so Exo’s manager would be in there, security, that sort of thing, and no one should see them.   
He held a door open for her, the noise from the fans filtering into the arena was starting to reach a fever pitch, and then he held a curtain back, so she could walk out.   
‘Just follow me.’ He told her, climbing several more steps before finding the seats he was looking for and sitting. She followed without question.   
None of their crew were there yet, and the nearest fan was on the opposite end of the adjacent pen, he was not concerned they would be noticed. He leaned back in his seat, draping his arm around the back of hers casually as he took in the fans and the noise. It was familiar to him, easy, and he was excited to see Jongin and the boys. It wasn’t often he got to support any of them like this.   
‘So after this we can go and eat if you want?’ he asked, turning to face her. She was busy looking around at the arena, like she had never been to a concert before.   
‘Ok.’ She said simply flashing him a smile.   
‘And then, will you stay with me again?’ he asked, unsure how she would feel about it. He had assumed she would, but he had to make sure.   
She gave him a look he could not work out, setting a seed of panic in his chest. ‘Yeah I will, if you want me too.’ She told him slowly.   
‘Of course I do.’ He told her leaning over to her, placing a kiss on her cheek.   
‘Should you be doing that? What if someone see’s you?’ she asked him apprehensively.   
‘No one will see,’ he murmured, though she was right, he should be more careful.   
They sat for a while before Taemin had to ask what had been on his mind since they arrived in the hotel room.   
‘Do you have sex?’ His words fell out clumsily, and not at all how he had intended them.   
She twisted her focus back on him, narrowing her eyes on him, but a funny smirk playing around her lips.   
‘Do you mean ever in life? Or today?’ she teased him.   
He sighed embarrassed. ‘I mean, since you, - have you, do you feel ready, or?’ he still couldn’t find the right way to word his thoughts.   
She linked her fingers into his, leaning into him and whispering, ‘I have, sometimes sex is just sex, I don’t really plan if it does or doesn’t happen and just see in the moment.’   
He smiled at her, feeling better about his awkward question. In his mind that didn’t mean it was off the table, but neither did it mean it was a dead cert. In some ways her answer excited him more than knowing for sure one way or another.   
‘I don’t want you to feel, pressured, like you have to do anything you don’t want to.’ He told her just in case she was now worried.   
She squeezed his hand in hers, ‘I know, don’t over think it.’ She told him with a sarcastic eyeroll.   
He felt like one of those cartoon characters when they fall in love. He was sure his eyes were turning heart shaped and pulsating wildly out of his head as he looked at her, holding tightly on to her hand, the lights in the arena finally dimmed as the crowed around them began to scream.


	4. Chapter 4

The concert was amazing. All of Exo were performing incredibly. Taemin watched in awe, screaming and shouting along with everyone else. At times he could see Jongin looking in his direction, and unfortunately, he thought he saw Baekhyun looking over their way too.   
Jennifer had not stopped smiling since they began. It was the happiest Taemin had seen her, and he was glad then that she had convinced him to come and support his friends. It was nice for once to be a bystander, watching and appreciating, although Taemin loved the stage more than anything, and at times, he wanted to be down there and join them he was happy he and Jennifer were having a light hearted fun time dancing together, singing along and occasionally Taemin would steal a kiss.   
About half way through the concert, in his bubble of happiness, Taemin found it increasingly more difficult to keep himself off Jennifer. Either he held her hand tightly, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders as they danced or kept a firm grip around her waist. During one of the MENTs sections of the band talking, Baekhyun brought him out of that bubble of happiness by pointing out that Taemin was there to support them, with his thanks and pointing in their direction.   
He had to drop his grip on Jennifer quickly as he felt 12,000 sets of eyes turn to him. He smiled as if he was happy about the whole thing, as the camera’s found him flashing his face on the screens for everyone to see, but inside he was seething.   
He hadn’t mentioned it to Jongin not to call him out, he hadn’t mentioned it to any of them, so really what did he expect. He just simply had forgotten that one of them might do this, and the fact it was Baekhyun seemed to irritate him even more. It was as if Baekhyun had a deliberate plan to keep him from being free with Jennifer there. Now, especially with the people closest to them in the surrounding pens, with their phones out, trying to take pictures of him, he was very much aware that he couldn’t touch her, hug her, kiss her, do what he wanted to. He looked towards Jongin, who from this distance, looked a little forlorn at Baekhyun calling him out.   
As soon as they finished their MENT and he knew the cameras were not going to be on him, he turned to Jennifer apologetically. He felt dreadful he had to drop her cold like that, and the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel as if she was a problem.   
‘I’m sorry,’ he said to her, carefully looking around for anyone who still had an eye on him. Fortunately, if anyone did interpret them being too friendly, they could write it off as a friendship, since her job was a make-up artist and it was clear they were sat closely with other members of staff. However no one could deny Taemin was sat alone on his row with just her.   
‘It’s ok. I expected it.’ She told him quietly. But something about her had changed. Whether she was just more aware of the eyes turned towards them, or if it was the ultimate feeling of disappointment he also felt at not being able to be as carefree as they had been he didn’t know. Whatever the reason, it broke their bubble of happiness, resulting in an uneasy tension. Taemin looked down at her, and the smile he had gotten used to had fallen from her face.   
Her eyes met his, and she did her best to place the smile back on her lips, but it failed, not reaching her eyes. His heart broke, and he wondered if maybe she was right, maybe this couldn’t work between them. Maybe it would be too hard for her, and it would be too selfish of him to ask her to go through that.   
Looking back to the stage, Taemin’s eyes focused on Baekhyun. He was definitely smirking as he performed, and in that second Taemin found he truly hated him for what he had done. Whether or not he intended it, he ruined the entire evening.   
A couple of times towards the end of the concert he attempted to hold her hand again subtly, but she refused, always finding something else to fill her hands. He didn’t know if she was trying to protect him or not, but he loathed everything about it.   
As they performed their last song, and left the stage, the lights came back on and movement began in the stands. He could sense people craning to look at him as they made their way out making him want to leave as quickly as he could.   
‘Go through the door we came in from and wait for me on the other side.’ He instructed her quietly.   
‘Ok.’ She agreed getting up and following the manager who had met them in the basement through the side door.   
Taemin busied himself, saying goodbye to the other staff members who had been around them, making himself look like he wasn’t just with one person and he was friendly with all of the staff before he followed her through the door. Thankfully, no one else was in a rush to leave so he had a few minutes at least.   
As soon as he opened the door, she was stood on the other side, her sad eyes looking up at him carefully. He pinned her backwards against the wall, kissing her urgently, needing her beyond reason.   
‘Taemin, maybe not now.’ She broke away from him before he was finished, frustrating him even more.   
‘I need you,’ he whined into her petulantly, his bad mood spreading as she pulled away from him.   
She linked her fingers into his and began to pull him down the stairs. He wanted to leave quickly. Take her back to the hotel and fall asleep wrapped up with her, so he followed her moodily, cussing himself for being so impatient.   
It was thankful they did leave when they did, as they arrived at the bottom of the stairs, the rest of the staff had begun to file through the door behind them.   
Taemin directed her through the hallways, intending only to say a brief goodbye to Jongin before they left, hoping not to have to encounter Baekhyun too much. His anger with him had abated a little, but he was sure seeing him would make him irrational.   
As they reached the dressing room, everyone was in there, happily playing around and chatting. Jennifer was whisked away from him for the second time as Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Minseok accosted her, demanding to hear her critique about how she enjoyed the show.   
Jongin found Taemin quickly as Taemin congratulated the other members closest to him, Jongdae, Sehun and Junmyeon, on a great performance.   
‘I’m sorry about Baekhyun,’ Jongin dropped his voice as he hugged him. ‘I guess I didn’t think about it, is everything ok?’ Jongin asked him quietly, taking in his unusual aura. It was clear from his tone, he expected Taemin to have anticipated that someone would have drawn attention to the fact he was there and didn’t seem to think it was much of a big deal.   
‘Yeah it’s ok.’ He shrugged as his eyes found Baekhyun who had made his way over to Jennifer, with a big silly grin on his face. ‘He say anything to you?’ Taemin asked, nodding in Baekhyun’s direction.   
‘About what?’ Jongin answered him, taking a drink from his water bottle.   
‘He caught me and Jenni kissing just before. I feel like something is off with him.’ Taemin said darkly with eyes narrowed at Baekhyun.   
‘Oh,’ Jongin replied, evidently shocked to hear that Baekhyun had caught him. ‘I don’t think so, he’s had a relationship, he knows how hard it is. I doubt anything would be off with him, stop being paranoid.’   
‘Hmm,’ Taemin replied. It was true, but then again, this was slightly different, maybe Baekhyun held a grudge. ‘When are you leaving?’ He asked changing the subject. He didn’t want to project his bad mood onto Jongin, not when they had worked so hard on a great show.   
‘In about two hours?’ Jongin grimaced at him.   
‘That soon?’ Taemin asked, with an eyebrow raised. He knew their schedule was tight, but not this tight.   
‘Yeah, we’ve got a schedule at midday tomorrow, we’ve all got to be back.’ Jongin groaned.   
‘Ok.’ Taemin responded. ‘Well I will see you when I get back then.’   
‘You’re going now?’ Jongin asked, mildly surprised.   
‘Yeah, I’m hungry, and I’m leaving tomorrow afternoon, I need to figure out …. Things.’ He finished lamely with a look at Jennifer.   
Jongin smiled, looking between them. ‘Whatever it takes.’ He smiled at his best friend, walking over to Jennifer to say goodbye.   
Taemin made the rounds, going to each member to wish them safe travels and thanking them for the show as Jennifer seemed to linger speaking to Jongin. At least it’s not Baekhyun, Taemin ruefully thought as he made his way lastly to Baekhyun.   
‘Have a safe flight.’ Taemin said stiffly, he still felt salty though he knew deep down Baekhyun hadn’t done anything wrong.   
‘You too, thanks again for coming,’ Baekhyun smiled apprehensively. ‘Oh, Taemin, if I knew you and her were … I wouldn’t have … yesterday.’ Baekhyun’s voice dropped as he offered Taemin an apology, assumingly for the kiss but most surprisingly he looked uncomfortable.   
It made Taemin feel a lot better, his anger had completely disappeared, watching Baekhyun closely, and he began to feel mildly guilty for doubting him.   
‘It’s ok, it’s not … it’s kind of new … I don’t know what it is really.’ Taemin offered him, sounding just as uncomfortable as Baekhyun as they both looked towards Jennifer who was saying goodbye to Kyungsoo and Jongin.   
‘She suits you.’ Baekhyun said with a sigh. That was something Taemin had not expected, looking back at him with surprise. He didn’t know what suited him, or who, having never had a real relationship before. ‘But make sure she knows what she’s getting into. It’s hard even when you’re both on the same side.’ Baekhyun was barely whispering, but Taemin heard every word. He knew he was referring to his own relationship, and he was grateful for the advice, even if it did plant an uneasy seed of discomfort in his chest.   
He smiled at him his thanks with a nod before he made his way over to Jennifer.   
‘Let’s go eat?’ He asked her quietly, looking down at her.   
‘Sure.’ She smiled up at him, turning and wishing everyone goodbye again.   
Jongin hugged Taemin one last time before they left to the basement carpark. 

 

Once in the car Taemin reached for her hand, but again she avoided his grasp. His eyebrows meshed together, the familiar feeling of confusion building up in the back of his mind.   
‘Where do you want to eat?’ She asked him, her gaze focused solely on the passing traffic and twilight of Singapore.   
‘I was thinking at the hotel?’ He told her, looking over at her longingly. ‘Is something wrong?’ he asked, his voice coming out unevenly.   
She turned to look at him, focusing on him for a long time before she answered. ‘No, everything is ok.’ And offering him a terrible excuse for a smile.   
He didn’t want to ask further. Something was wrong, but the car felt like the wrong place to ask her.   
‘Hold my hand then.’ He said, his voice coming out small and pleading, rather than confident like he intended.   
She hesitated, looking down at his open hand, before she placed her own in his palm, offering him the same strange smile.   
It was almost 9, and he was starting to feel tired. Too tired to have people’s eyes on him. He wanted to relax, eat in the hotel room and be free.   
‘Are you tired?’ he asked her.   
‘A little, it feels like it’s been a long day.’ She said, relaxing back into the car seat.   
‘Would you be ok ordering something to the room?’ he continued, as if by continuing to ask her questions would make him feel better.   
‘Yeah, that’s ok.’ She said, avoiding his eyes again.   
Arriving at the hotel quickly there was no one in the elevator as they silently made their way up to his floor. He had barely opened the door, when he pushed her inside and pressed his lips to hers.   
‘Kiss me,’ he moaned, feeling she was slipping out of his grasp as she didn’t kiss him back with the usual fever he had come to expect.   
‘Taemin,’ she sighed slowly. It was incredible how hearing his name spoken like that seemed to pierce at his heart.   
‘Please,’ he pleaded, kissing the side of her face, trying to ignore the fact something was obviously wrong.   
‘Taemin,’ she said more strongly than before causing him to stop and look into her eyes. She was scared, he could see that clearly, but he didn’t know why.   
‘Why are you scared of me?’ he asked sadly.   
She looked up at him steadily for a second, before she closed the door behind them, and sighed, not answering him.   
‘Jenni, please, what’s wrong?’ he asked, giving her some space out of his tight grasp.   
She sighed heavily, turning her face down, shaking her head. He didn’t have a clue what was going on.   
‘I don’t know Taemin.’ She said quietly. The atmosphere had peaked, he stood awkwardly, wanting to reach out to her, but unable to move.   
‘Did I do something wrong?’ he asked, questioning himself now. He was new to this, he didn’t know how strongly he was acting as he let his emotions run away with him.   
‘No,’ she cried, grabbing his arms, looking up at him. ‘No, it’s not you.’ She whispered. ‘I just don’t know if this - if I can do this.’ She shook her head again, and walked away from him, sitting herself on the sofa next to the window, with her head in her hands.   
He followed her quietly and sat down. He wanted to fix whatever it was she was feeling, that was clearly distressing her.   
‘I’m sorry.’ He mumbled, unsure of what else he could say.   
‘Don’t be sorry,’ she told him still shaking her head and exhaling deeply. ‘You’ve been perfect.’ She said.   
‘Then what is the problem?’ He asked even more confused.   
‘It’s too perfect.’ She said craning up to look at him. Terror written on her face. This is what she had been holding back from him. ‘My fiancé never gave me any kind of affection like you have today. I’ve never experienced someone who wanted to always touch me, kiss me, hold my hand like this.’   
‘Is it a bad thing? Am I wrong?’ he asked, holding her gaze, and his breath.   
She shook her head softly. ‘No, it’s perfect, it’s what I always wanted. But I’m afraid I can’t do this with you. I don’t know if I can hide, be hidden. I don’t know if we can be together long distance, I don’t know if it will hurt too much. I feel – all these things. I feel guilty for falling for you, I feel afraid you’re going to realise I am not this magical thing and you won’t want me, I’m not special in anyway, I’m afraid I’ll end up in the same place –‘   
He stopped her from talking with a kiss, cupping her face in his palm, as his hand wrapped around her neck to bring her closer to him.   
‘You’re allowed to fall in love.’ He whispered breaking their contact. ‘You are special. To me.’ He told her.   
‘Taemin, I just don’t see how it is going to work.’ She whispered sadly. He knew she needed the reassurance. ‘Maybe we should just be friends, what if you don’t want this and it causes problems in your life. I mean look at tonight, you have people watching you all the time.’   
He rubbed her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs as he listened to her. ‘I’m new to this. I’m as certain as I can be, I want to be with you.’ He told her, forcing her eyes back to his. ‘If you want to take it slowly, then I can fly you to and from Korea, I can fly back and forth here whenever I can, or fly you to China, Japan, wherever I am, whatever it takes.’   
He was trying to explain how he thought he could see it working. In his mind they wouldn’t be together every day, which he wanted, but if she wanted to take it slowly, then maybe this was a better option for her, at least for now.   
‘I wouldn’t ask you to give up your business, and your life here for me.’ He continued. ‘I know you did that once, and the thought of doing it again scares you. I would do it for you, but I can’t, it’s just – impossible for me.’ He shook his head, wishing this was easier.   
‘Doesn’t that seem too hard?’ she spoke in a strangled sort of whisper. ‘Than if someone sees us, I don’t want to be the cause of your career going to hell.’   
He snorted softly. ‘That wouldn’t happen.’ He said simply. It was true it might cause a problem for a while, but those things were usually short lived.   
‘What if being in a relationship with me isn’t what you thought it was. What if being friends is better, what was intended for us?’ she asked him, her eyes were wide, deep green and frightened to death.   
‘If being friends was all that was intended then why do I want to kiss you every time you look at me?’ he asked, sounding more confident than he was feeling as his heart beat erratically in his chest.   
She blushed as she looked at him, ‘Isn’t a relationship just being friends but wanting to be romantic together, wanting to touch each other, make love?’ he asked her softly.   
She held his imploring stare as he willed her to believe him. He had never looked at someone the way he was looking at her in that moment, she was so soft, a ball of absolute sweetness. The instinct to protect her, love her, and keep her safe overwhelmed him.   
‘I love you.’ He whispered, taking her lips in his as she finally gave into him.

‘I love you,’ he repeated softly, enveloping her in his arms as he kissed her. Finally she was kissing him back, running his fingers into her hair, his kissing becoming intense.   
‘Taemin,’ she moaned softly, a sob threatening to break out of her.   
‘I love you.’ He whispered again, looking into her eyes as he briefly pulled away from her. His eyes searched hers, hoping to find understanding, less fear, and at last he found it.   
‘I love you.’ He moaned attacking her lips with his. She had to believe him, he was practically crying with emotion each time he uttered the words to her. ‘I love you. I love you. I love you.’ Begging her to believe him.  
‘I love you too.’ She whimpered back at him, her voice tiny, as they wrapped themselves up in each other.   
He sighed deeply, hearing what he wanted, what he knew already but needed her to admit to him. He picked her up easily from the sofa, carrying her over to the bed, their kissing never ceasing even for a moment. Every finger he laid on her was placed with the love that he felt as his kissing continued tenderly on every inch of skin he could find. Leaning back, he reached over his head, pulling his shirt off in one swift motion. Her eyes traced over the contours of his chest and back up at him. She didn’t speak, she didn’t need to, they communicated only with their eyes on one another, as their yearning took them over. He pulled her up onto her knees, lovingly holding her face in his hands as he kissed her again, getting lost in the feeling. There was no thought, letting his senses guide him as he reached under her shirt, the tips of his fingers stroked her soft skin delicately, before he pulled away and pulled her shirt off her.  
He took her in, trustingly looking up at him, trailing his eyes over her. Kneeling on the bed facing her, he never broke their eye contact as he reached around her back carefully, unhooking her white bra from her, and slowly, pulling down each strap, arm by arm from her tanned skin, then tossing the offending garment across the room. A slow blush was forming in her cheeks as she watched him, watching her.   
He took in her naked torso, his eyes finding the button on her jeans. He slowly stroked down her skin, from under her ear, down her neck, the centre of her chest and softly down to her navel, unbuttoning the jeans for her.   
He flicked his eyes back to hers, questioning her, if this was ok. She didn’t falter, silently letting him know she was ok.   
‘You’re beautiful.’ He whispered, softly placing kisses from under her ear, down her neck.   
She moaned softly with each carefully exercised touch, as he tasted her, and treated her more carefully than he had with anyone else he had ever been with before, as if she was a china doll that would break at any moment.   
Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, he shivered at the warmth of her naked skin against his. Moaning, his lips found her mouth again, whispering one last time, ‘I love you.’   
He laid her back onto the bed, and made love to her, softly, slowly, unlike any other time he had slept with a woman before, he gave all of himself to her as she gave him all of herself, not once breaking eye their eye contact with one another. 

 

Taemin, laying on his front, nuzzled his face into her hair humming softly while his fingers trailed absentminded patterns over whatever exposed skin he could find of Jennifer’s, currently her side. Her fingers were doing a similar thing, tracing up and down his shoulder, that was wrapped around her.   
‘Taemin?’ She asked slowly, interrupting his peaceful stupor.   
‘Hmm?’ he replied, too comfortable to move. He knew from the sound of her voice her eyes were just as closed as his.   
‘Are you hungry?’ She asked, in half a moan, as his stomach made a sound as if to protest the lack of food there.   
Giggling, he shifted onto his side, his lips trailing kisses onto her shoulder as he did.   
‘Yeah.’ He answered grinning. As he predicted, her eyes were closed, she had this wonderful glow about her face, as she squinted one eye open at him.   
‘I’m starving.’ She teased with a smile.   
‘Ok,’ he said, jumping up, leaning over the side table to find the book with the menu in it and handing it to her.   
She took it from him carefully, lifting herself into a seating position, and gently pulling on the sheets of the bed to cover herself.   
‘Don’t-‘ he began, hovering his hand over hers.   
Looking at him with a questioning eyebrow he began to explain softly, ‘I’ve never – I’ve never felt this comfortable with someone before, or actually, made love like that before. Don’t cover yourself, don’t be embarrassed.’ It was with good intentions he made his request. He had an idea of being fully contented with someone to just be naked with them, but without necessarily having it be sexual. True they had just had sex, but if they covered up right away it seemed to demean the whole act, make it seem dirty and sordid somehow. Thankfully, by the look on her face she seemed to understand his request and let the sheet drop to her waist.   
‘Ok, but when the food comes, I will put a shirt on.’ She smiled sweetly looking down at the menu.   
He scoffed, ‘Ok, deal.’ He chuckled.   
They both decided on what food to have, and Taemin put the order in over the phone. He hadn’t realised the time, looking at the clock on the side table reading, 11.08 and then began to really feel his hunger in the depths of his torso.   
He turned back to Jennifer, who was laid on her side, covered waist high with the white sheet, highlighting her sun kissed skin, leaning on her arms looking up at him. He smiled, turning to his phone and choosing some soft music, adjusting the volume low, before he crawled back onto the bed, imitating her pose towards her.   
‘You don’t think, less of me, for – this?’ she asked, the cute line forming between her eyebrows.   
‘Why would I?’ he asked genuinely curious.   
‘It’s soon?’ She asked him with a slight frown.   
‘No.’ he told her. She surveyed him, waiting for more of an explanation. ‘Technically it’s soon, I suppose, but it doesn’t feel soon. I’ve known you a long time, it felt right. Didn’t it?’   
‘Yes,’ she said slowly with a smirk. ‘I just don’t –‘ she began.   
‘Don’t question it. I’ve slept with girls who threw themselves at me after an hour of meeting me. This wasn’t that.’ He reassured her kindly, then realising what he had admitted he inhaled sharply with a comical look on his face.   
‘After an hour huh?’ she teased him. ‘Whore.’  
‘I mean – I – I was young.’ He offered lamely, knowing it really didn’t make that much difference.   
‘Of course.’ She nodded mockingly with a grin. He knew she was only teasing him and not judging him. Her face fell serious, ‘but you’ve never made love?’   
‘No,’ he admitted shyly, ‘At least, not like that before. That was – something – special.’ He thought hard about the words he wanted as the colour rose in her cheeks, making his stomach twist. ‘Everything else was just -,’ he paused thinking of the right words.   
‘Fucking?’ she offered crudely with a smirk.   
‘Yeah,’ he chuckled, there really was no other word for it. ‘But, you’ve made love before, not just fucked?’ he asked, suddenly the curiosity was killing him.   
‘Only once,’ she nodded, dropping her gaze. ‘But not like that.’ She brought her eyes torturously back to meet his.   
He smiled, the pride inside him at hearing that was also as special for her as for him threatened to burst out of him.   
‘Don’t get me wrong though, fucking can be good sometimes too.’ She smiled wickedly at him, her face changing in an instant, the way he loved.   
He chuckled, shifting his weight closer to her, stroking the hair out of her eyes.   
‘Maybe we can try that later then.’ He whispered dangerously, taking in her smell while kissing her bare shoulders.   
She giggled back, as he took her in his arms, holding her body closely against his.   
‘This is going to work.’ He told her suddenly, the words slipping from him. He pupils blew wide open as he tried to assure her. ‘I want to love you how you were supposed to be loved.’ He whispered.   
‘How are you even real?’ she sighed up at him in awe.   
‘How are you so perfect,’ he retorted quickly grinning down at her. ‘I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.’   
‘Everyone?’ she asked with wide eyes.  
‘Yeah, my members, Jinki, Minho, Key. Key is going to adore you.’ He told her sincerely.   
‘Why do I suddenly feel so shy?’ she teased him, though he could hear the touch of anxiety in her voice.   
‘You met Exo, and they loved you. Jongin, uh, kept telling me to go for it with you.’ He told her feeling embarrassed by the admission.   
‘He did? When?’ she asked, holding his gaze.   
‘From the moment I told him about you. He’s been desperately trying to set me up, with just about anyone he knows. For years.’   
‘Why?’ she asked.   
‘I told you, I’m famous for never having a real relationship. Everyone else has, even Jongin, I think especially since Jonghyun, they want me to find someone.’ He told her sadly. ‘Even Jonghyun would have liked you.’ He smiled at the thought he was with someone Jonghyun would have approved of. Does approve of.   
She replied his sad smile with one of her own, knowing the mention of Jonghyun was still difficult for him.   
‘Do, the others have partners?’ She asked timidly.   
‘Minho was seeing someone for a long time, but they broke up last year. Key has kind of a long-term partner, but it’s kind of casual, you’ll meet him too. And Jinki, I guess he’s like me, I’ve never known him to even talk about girls.’ Taemin shrugged. ‘Jimin has a girlfriend, she’s another artist, and Jongin was seeing someone a few years ago.’ He mentally went through his closest friends.   
A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Taemin jumped up, finding a t-shirt and some shorts to throw on to open the door.   
‘Hey!’ she cried at him, before he forgot and let the room service in while she was still naked, ‘I need a shirt.’   
He grabbed the nearest shirt of his own to him and threw it to her with a chuckle. She slipped it over her head, standing up to let it fall over her, momentarily dazing him as he watched it slip down to the top of her thighs, they knocked on the door again.   
Opening the door he allowed the room service trolley to be rolled into the room. They didn’t wait around long, thankfully.   
As they ate, Taemin continued to talk about people in Korea, things he wanted to show her, food he wanted to share with her.   
‘Do you think you can come for a few days in just over a week?’ he asked as they had finally finished eating.   
‘Um, next Friday?’ She asked him, putting her fork down.   
‘Yeah? I’m scheduled to be recording, I don’t have a lot of public appearances, and I should be able to free up some days.’ Glancing at her he added. ‘I can fly out here though, if you want me to instead?’ he worried he was asking too much of her.   
‘Um, I’ll check, but it should be ok, I can come to you.’ She told him, thinking. ‘I’ve been training someone, to take over my duties at the salon, freeing me up to focus on managing and doing other things.’   
‘Other things?’ he asked, with a hint of hope.   
‘Competitions, branching out our brand a little.’ She told him a little vaguely. ‘My business is 60% mine, 20% the hairstylists, and 20% our therapists. I wanted to ease the responsibilities on me in there, I know they don’t need a manager watching over them. I can take care of the management side.’   
‘I see.’ He said slightly impressed at her business prowess. The thought that she had eased herself away from her job, so her business could survive without her did not occur to him at all.   
‘I will arrange it then.’ He smiled, feeling grateful they had a solid plan to see each other again.  
‘I don’t know if I can wait that long though.’ He grumbled, throwing his shirt off himself and pulling her back towards the head of the bed.   
‘Again?’ she gasped at him, reading his thoughts from his face.   
‘As many times as possible.’ He whispered into her neck, causing them both to giggle like children.   
They both fell asleep quickly after the second round of lovemaking, which turned out to be slightly less soft and sweet and definitely more urgent than the first time. They were both well and truly exhausted though and for the second night in a row, Taemin fell into an easy dreamless sleep.   
He woke up with the sun streaming onto his face. He was uncomfortable, naked and cold. Opening his eyes slowly he looked over the bed sleepily, jumping up in a panic as he realised he was the only person there. Wildly looking around the room, Jennifer’s things had disappeared, when a folded piece of paper on the far console table caught his eye. Jumping out of bed like a wild animal, he grabbed the paper, throwing it open. Simply the note read; I’m sorry. I don’t think I can. J x 

 

Taemin stared at the paper with the scribbled note, for the longest time, unable to quite believe what he was seeing. They had had the perfect night. Why would she skip out on him like this? Nothing about this situation made any sense in his mind.   
As his mind went over everything, his first instinct was to find her, call her. But he sadly realised then, that in the two days they had spent together he never had the foresight to even get her personal number from her. He didn’t use social media, or even know how to use it, so trying to find her that way was out for the time being. All he had was the number for her shop.   
He looked at the time on his phone. It was late, he had slept till well past 11, and he knew even if he were to find her shop he wouldn’t have the time to spend going there, he was leaving at 2pm. He had to try and call the store, that was the only thing he could do.   
Quickly searching out the saved number he pressed call and waited for someone to answer.   
‘Hello súile glas,’ a voice answered.   
‘Can I speak to Jennifer?’ He asked quickly, his fear of using English completely forgotten.   
‘One second, I’ll check if she is available.’ The voice answered to his surprise. He waited, less than a minute before Jennifer’s voice spoke down the phone to him.   
‘Hello?’   
‘Jenni,’ he breathed a sigh of relief. ‘Why –,’ he began to ask when she cut him off.   
‘Taemin,’ her voice dropped low. ‘I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, last night – was – beautiful, but please, don’t call me. Go back to your life, I’m not good for you.’ She spoke quickly, brutally, crushing him.   
‘But I –‘ he began pathetically when the line went dead. He stared gobsmacked at the phone in his hand. How could she do that? Cut him off, with an excuse like ‘I’m not good for you.’   
As he was staring at the phone, it rang in his hands. Jumping a little, he answered quickly, hoping she was calling him back.   
‘Hello?’ he spoke urgently.   
‘Taemin, we have to leave soon, are you ready?’ It was his manager.   
‘Yeah, I just woke up.’ He frowned looking down at the floor dejected.   
‘What happened?’ the manager asked him, sensing from his tone something was wrong.   
‘Nothing, - I – I’ll explain later.’ He sighed heavily rubbing his temples.   
‘Ok,’ the manager spoke slowly. ‘I’ll come and get you in about an hour.’ He told him hanging up.   
Taemin sat on the edge of the bed thinking hard, rubbing the side of his head. It was a bizarre feeling of confusion, disappointment, and heart break. He considered calling her back, but he was unsure if he should. The hurt he felt stopped him from redialling her number, and he began to feel bitter and angry that she would do this to him.   
Dragging himself up as the time wore on he hauled himself into the shower. He couldn’t blame her really, though he wanted to, he felt more sympathy for her than anger. It was frustrating for him, but she was broken, and one night wasn’t going to fix all her issues with that, he should have known better. He knew in himself, she was doing this as a messed-up way of protecting him, saving him from having more problems because of her, being hurt, as well as protecting her own extremely fragile heart.   
He showered and dressed quickly, throwing his things into his bag, lingering on his shirt he had worn the previous day with a sadness settling in his heart. He sat on the floor leaning against the bed frame dejected when his manager knocked on his door.   
He opened the door and avoided his eyes as he went back into the room to grab his bag.   
‘Something is wrong.’ His manager commented, looking at him seriously.   
Taemin shrugged, not feeling much like speaking, trying to hold back the unreasonable emotion threatening to pour out of him. Taemin wasn’t usually much of a crier, and he didn’t want to break down here and now.   
However, he couldn’t hide it from his manager who was also a close friend.   
‘Hey, what happened?’ he grabbed his shoulders, looking very concerned for him as a tear fell from his eye.   
Taemin shrugged, huffing at himself in anger.   
‘The girl?’ the manager asked him quietly, getting Taemin to finally meet his eyes. He hadn’t told him about her, so he was surprised to hear that he knew about her. But that was his job to know, and he was very good at it.   
Taemin nodded sadly. ‘How did you find out?’ he asked quietly.   
‘Exo’s manager. Who is she?’ he asked kindly with a soft voice.   
‘It’s really hard to explain. I didn’t just meet her, it’s complicated.’ Taemin mumbled, feeling stupid. He wanted to tell him, but it sounded nuts.   
‘We’ve got time.’ His manager responded, pulling him up and taking his bag for him.   
As they left the hotel and travelled towards the airport Taemin opened up to him for the first time in a long time. He used to tell him everything, and then he closed himself down, and didn’t share any of his thoughts or feelings with anyone. He explained to him about the dreams, about meeting her there, Jonghyun and what he had said to him, and then about meeting her for real at the TV station.   
‘I see why you agreed to do the show so quickly.’ His manager chuckled softly, nudging him.   
‘It sounds crazy, I guess.’ Taemin mumbled, staring out of the window.   
‘No. It sounds like whatever it was, the dreams, you needed them. I wouldn’t rule anything out as being true. If you say you met Jonghyun then you met him. I believe that.’ His manager told him confidently, making Taemin feel better about the whole thing. ‘As for the girl, I don’t know much about women, unfortunately I’m not much help there.’ He chuckled, causing Taemin to crack a smile for the first time.   
‘But she sounds like she has become important to you. All I know is people like that don’t walk into your life every day.’   
‘But she doesn’t want to speak to me now. She’s just gone.’ Taemin sighed heavily.   
‘Only until you convince her to change her mind. Maybe she does just need time. Maybe she’ll miss you so much she’ll change her mind soon. Give it some time.’   
They had arrived at the airport and didn’t really get a chance to speak again until they had settled themselves onto the plane. Taemin was sad to be leaving, sad he never got the goodbye he wanted, and had to leave this way.   
‘We can arrange anything for you, you know? So don’t spend your time worrying too much now.’ His manager reassured him one last time as the flight took off, back home. 

Once safely back in his home after several long hours of travelling he felt the weight of being alone again, and what had once been a comfort to him spending time on his own, gathering his thoughts now felt strange, oddly empty, and wrong.   
He called Jongin, as a way to help him fill the emptiness suddenly surrounding him.   
‘Hey,’ Jongin answered quickly as Taemin got through to him.   
‘Hey,’ he replied in a very different tone.   
‘Uh oh, what happened?’ Jongin asked instantly knowing something was wrong.   
Taemin explained, as best he could, feeling slightly embarrassed telling him about the love making, and how when he woke up this morning she was gone.   
‘I didn’t even get her cell number. What an idiot.’ Taemin sighed after his tirade of a story.   
Jongin sighed on the other end of the line. ‘I knew you would forget.’ He told him.   
‘What do you mean?’ Taemin asked.   
‘I got her number for you Dumbo. When you were saying goodbye to everyone, she gave it to me.’ He told him.   
‘Send it to me.’ Taemin said as Jongin had already forwarded the number to his messages.   
‘Done. I don’t know what you can do. It sounds like she was just freaked out. Maybe she’s a psychopath though.’ He joked.   
‘Don’t say that.’ Taemin whined at him.   
‘No seriously, I don’t think she is. But maybe you need to prove this to her somehow.’   
‘How?’ Taemin asked eagerly.   
‘I don’t know. Text her. I am not the right person to ask about romancing someone.’ Jongin laughed.   
‘Thanks for the help.’ Taemin said sarcastically. ‘Seriously, thanks for getting her number though.’ He added softly.   
‘Just give it time, who knows maybe you’ll start dreaming about her again.’ Jongin teased.   
Hanging up the phone, Taemin wrote out a text to Jennifer several times before deciding on something simple: Jenni, it’s me, Jongin gave me your number. Please don’t ignore me, if you want to just be friends it’s ok, but don’t cut me off like this, please. Love T x.   
He pressed send and didn’t wait to watch the message get delivered before throwing it onto a table and hauling himself unwillingly into bed. 

Taemin knew he was back there in the white room before he even opened his eyes. The smell of Jennifer was overpowering all his senses. He rolled over to his side, curling into a ball and screamed.   
‘WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. WHY AM I STILL HERE!’ His voiced echoed around him.   
He rolled onto his back and let his limbs drop, feeling numb. He opened his eyes groaning loudly.   
He turned to his left, the mirror was there, the green room reflected back at him. He looked around curiously, but Jennifer was not in there, he only saw himself, looking tired and angry.   
‘WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.’ He cried out, closing his eyes again. He wanted to see her, but now being in this room was not enough, it was just frustrating and offensive.   
He opened his eyes slowly, focusing into the mirror, where Jennifer now sat. Holding herself tightly, she was singing, a song of his, a sad song.   
‘Jennifer,’ he called, scrambling to get up and get closer to the mirror. He landed against the barrier, and she didn’t move. She could not see him.   
He banged his fists and shouted into the room as he watched her singing his own song. The song was about saying goodbye, and she sang softly, slowly. She wasn’t crying though, not this time, she didn’t look distressed, just sad, as she continued to sing.   
Taemin did not move from his position in front of the mirror, continuing to watch her, every so often calling out to her, shouting at the room, or else sitting in silence. The song filled his head and eventually he began to sing along with her.   
Inside himself the feeling of disappointment seemed to grow inside him, drowning out his anger and frustration, more than anything he felt the disappointment of failure. It wasn’t logic but feeling in that room that told him he had failed. This was why he was back in the room, longing, as before for something he wasn’t sure how to get. 

 

He woke up early the next day, though the sun was up it wasn’t blinding him through his blinds. He looked at his phone, 6.45am. He checked his messages, though there was not one from Jennifer. About to throw the phone down he noticed the message he had sent her had not delivered. He pressed to resend it and again it failed. He pressed it a hundred times and each time the icon showing it had failed flashed before him.   
What was going on? He pressed the call button, checking the number was correct. He waited, and he waited before the voice he was hoping not to hear told him the number he was trying was incorrect. He double checked the country code, but it was correct, the number itself was wrong.   
Even Jongin with his best intentions had got the number wrong. He text him, asking him to double check the number, maybe he had just sent it to Taemin wrong, but he knew there was a slim chance of that. He knew Jennifer would have added the number in herself, and she herself would have made a deliberate mistake. It really seemed like she didn’t want to have anything to do with him. But that just couldn’t be true. Taemin believed with everything he had that she did want him, just as much as he did, and remembering Jongin’s words he had an idea.   
He threw open his laptop and set about finding her stores website. Locating the address he then searched a florist nearby that did deliveries. Emailing the first one he could find he asked them, if it was possible to send a white rose every day to the store, with a note that said, ‘I am not giving up.’  
That he thought was as romantic as he could imagine, and the only thing he could actually do from where he was. 

 

Taemin didn’t have to wait long for a response from the florist he emailed. They agreed to send a white rose each day to the store, with the note he wanted on it, addressed to Jennifer. He figured even if she wasn’t there every day, her staff would tell her, and she would be there at least on one of the days.   
He also spoke to his manager, who freed up two days for him in 10 days’ time, and suggested that either Taemin send her flights, or go there himself. He also offered to research her a little, get in contact with the tv company they filmed with, and see if he couldn’t find a way to contact her himself.   
Taemin was glad of the help. He was feeling happier now that he had opened up more to his friends, his manager and arranged to meet with his members for dinner and tell them everything that had happened, how he met Jonghyun and then Jennifer.   
Key cried, Minho looked amazed asking question after question about Jonghyun, while Jinki smiled happily, with a strange sort of contentment on his face. Taemin shared more with him than he had in a long time, and they shared their feelings with him. They admitted to being worried about Taemin more and more, since he seemed to hold the grief in more than the rest of them. All of them, not just Key, had told him about receiving therapy, and how it helped them in different ways. He agreed to see someone himself, and work through it more than he had been. They all decided that Taemin seemed happier in himself than he formerly had been and wanted to know everything they could about Jennifer.   
‘You know the name Jennifer means white wave,’ Key said randomly.   
‘It does?’ Taemin asked him, interested for once, in one of his weird bits of useless knowledge.   
‘Yeah, maybe that’s why your room is white.’ He said simply. ‘You’re in her aura.’   
‘So why is her room green?’ He asked, hanging onto every word.   
‘Because honey, your aura is green.’ He told him with a wink.   
Jinki thought it best to give her time, Key thought the rose idea was genius, and Minho him not to give up. The best mix of conflicting advice he ever received, but all the same he was grateful. 

Every night when he went to sleep he would go into the white room and he would be faced with her in the mirror. Not once did she acknowledge he was there. Most of the time she was singing one of his songs softly, in the same position holding herself tightly. Sometimes she would be crying, rocking herself, and Taemin would do everything he could to break the barrier and hold her to stop her from sobbing, but the barrier would never yield and let him through.   
Once he watched her die again which was without a doubt the most distressing of them all. He watched her as she moved about slowly, tears streaming down her face in silence, and swallowed 100 pills, one by one, then dropped to the floor. He screamed and cried and begged her to stop as it tore at his insides watching her cold and lifeless on the floor while he was uselessly sobbing for her.   
Tonight a week after he had come back to Korea he entered the room and looked in the mirror, where she lay, already dead.   
‘WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS. I DON’T WANT TO SEE THIS.’ He screamed as he sobbed and hit at the mirror barrier.   
The room around him swirled as it once had before, turning into a familiar pink hue.   
‘I’m sorry Taemin,’ Jonghyun’s voice stopped him from screaming. He turned to his left where Jonghyun was sat on the same arm chairs as before, in the same suit, looking exactly the same, but with a sad look on his face.   
‘What is happening to me.’ Taemin asked him in a whisper, sniffling.   
‘I didn’t think this would happen.’ Jonghyun began to enlighten, leaning forward onto his knees as he watched him.   
‘She is the open one, able to bring people out of themselves, and you were the closed off one. I assumed she would bring you out of yourself, which I guess she did, you fell for her a lot sooner than I thought. Too soon for her though, it frightened her. I thought you would take longer to get there.’   
‘What?’ Taemin couldn’t understand anything he was saying as he dragged himself up and sat down on the free armchair.   
‘Have you figured out what you’re seeing yet?’ Jonghyun asked him softly.   
‘I’m watching her be sad all the time. It’s driving me crazy, and then – the death – I can’t see that anymore, Jonghyun please stop it.’ He begged of him shaking his head.   
‘It’s her moods.’ Jonghyun told him sadly, looking towards the mirror, that had turned pink.   
‘What?’ Taemin repeated trying to comprehend his words, looking between Jonghyun and the empty mirror.   
‘These rooms, they are each of your moods. That’s why yours is her whiteness, her colour. It’s why it smells of her. The room she is in smells of you, your colour is green. You can feel her mood, longing for love, you can see her feelings physically in front of you. If you could see into her mind, then that’s what you would see. She can feel your sadness though she isn’t aware of it, since she is consumed with her own sadness most of the time. Your subconscious feelings reflect each other.’ He finished his explanation taking a pause for Taemin to soak in all the information.   
‘When she feels guilty, she cries.’ Jonghyun said looking acutely at Taemin. ‘Her darkness is the guilt she carries with her. She left you that morning because her ex-fiancé had attempted to take his own life. She was called by his sister, and immediately drowned in guilt. She isn’t in love with him anymore, but she still has a love for him. That’s who she is, people who touch her will always be a part of her, even if the relationships surrounding them have disappeared. He never loved her, so he doesn’t care, not about her or himself, but she saw you that morning and felt the love she had for you and immediately hated herself for it. She thought she was being too selfish.’ Jonghyun explained to a shell shocked Taemin.   
‘Did he survive?’ Taemin asked quietly. Though he didn’t like the guy he couldn’t wish that on anyone.   
‘Yes. It wasn’t his time. Fortunately it shocked him enough into getting help for himself. Jennifer is slowly learning to let that guilt go. He’s told her it wasn’t her fault, and gradually, she’s starting to forgive herself, but sometimes that guilt is still there. That’s why she cries, but why she has been crying less.’ Jonghyun clarified.   
‘When her light is gone, that’s when you see her die. Even though she is trying to fight it, forgiving herself, sometimes the darkness tells her she is wrong, she is selfish, especially after she has been missing you. She doesn’t know how to trust in love anymore, and the darkness convinces her she is not good enough to be loved.’ Jonghyun continued. Taemin was speechless, he watched Jonghyun intently wanting to understand everything.   
‘When she sings your songs, she misses you. That’s why you’ve often seen her singing. She misses you all the time.’ Jonghyun finished with a sad smile.   
‘So, that’s why she left like that. Because of the guilt.’ Taemin repeated, getting it straight in his own head, and then promptly feeling deep sorrow for the conflicted pain she must have been in.   
‘She felt guilt at leaving you that way too.’ Jonghyun told him with a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m amazed at you though.’ He added.   
‘Why?’ Taemin said narrowing his eyes.   
‘Because you did everything perfectly right. You told her the things she needed to hear, and you meant them. You realised your own feelings far sooner than I gave you credit for. I thought you would have ignored them for longer. You are doing the right things.’ Jonghyun spoke kindly. ‘And you’ve begun to accept things, let go of your grief. You’re becoming yourself again, letting the love in, from all sides.’  
‘But how do I get her back now?’ Taemin asked, hoping for a definitive answer, he was still so lost.   
‘Don’t give up on the love.’ Jonghyun said annoyingly vaguely.   
‘Hyung. Why can’t you just tell me?’ Taemin smirked for the first time all night.   
Jonghyun laughed. ‘I can’t interfere, I can only guide you.’   
‘This is really annoying me.’ Taemin told him with a deep dramatic sigh.   
‘I know.’ Jonghyun chuckled at him. ‘It will be ok though.’ He told him.   
‘How soon though? I can’t keep watching this happen every night.’ Taemin motioned towards the blank mirror.   
‘Then don’t.’ Jonghyun told him simply.   
‘You’re the worst guardian angel I ever met.’ Taemin complained roughly.   
‘I’m the only one you’ve met, don’t get lippy.’ He smiled at him widely.   
‘Why is my colour green?’ Taemin asked suddenly the curiosity hitting him.   
‘Because of balance and growth. It will change, but you are growing all the time, you needed to find a balance. Green represents a change and is the colour of the heart.’ Jonghyun said.   
‘So why is hers white?’ he continued to question.   
‘She has grown, white is a mixture of all the colours, it is pure and true. She is naturally white, even down to her name. It reflected what she needed to get back too and who she truly is, the darkness is not permanent in her.’ Jonghyun explained a little more vaguely.   
‘That makes no sense at all.’ Taemin told him frowning.   
Jonghyun chuckled, ‘Don’t dwell on it.’ They sat in silence for a while, Taemin had calmed, feeling much better than he had all week.   
‘What you think is the best way, usually is.’ Jonghyun told him breaking their peaceful atmosphere, and as Taemin looked over to him, he woke up. 

His eyes flew open. It was relieving to have spoken with Jonghyun again, and to have some answers. Taemin laid in his bed, going over every small detail he had told him. He had been vague, but he was giving him clues, he was sure of it.   
Taemin had told him he couldn’t keep watching the mirror every night, and Jonghyun had told him, ‘don’t’, that had to mean something. It was a clue, a way to get out of the room maybe? And then the last thing he told him, ‘what you think this is the best way, usually is?’ Was he telling him to trust his instincts? Taemin got himself up out of bed. It was 8am and he had to be recording most of the day.   
His manager had asked him a few days ago what he wanted to do about the few days he had arranged off for him, if he wanted to arrange flights for him back to Singapore or send Jennifer flights. He had to think about it, carefully weighing up each of his options.   
‘Taemin good news,’ His manager told him grinning broadly, looking similar to a bullfrog on acid as he walked in.   
‘You found a wife?’ Taemin joked at him.   
‘No better, I found yours.’ He winked at him.   
‘Huh?’ Taemin responded, confused. His manager was awful at making jokes.   
‘Ok, not your wife, whatever, anyway, the TV station got back to me with her resume, I told them we were looking to hire her for a shoot, and they happily passed on her information. Email address, home address, phone numbers. Take your pick.’ He smiled handing over the paper with her credentials on.   
‘You’re amazing,’ Taemin breathed awestruck.   
‘So, what do you want to do?’ The manager asked him.   
‘About what?’ Taemin asked, not daring to take his eyes off the paper.   
‘Flights.’ His manager said.  
Taemin looked up at him swallowing hard. He had an idea, and a gut instinct about what he thought was best, though he still wasn’t sure, he was trying to follow Jonghyun’s words that were ringing in his ears.   
‘I think we should send them to her.’ He told him. ‘If she needs more time she won’t come. But I’ve given her the option at least. I will, try to call her, or text her and explain.’ Taemin said. He wanted to go there, guarantee he would see her, but it didn’t feel right to bully her into being with him if she needed more time. He would stick to his word, and send the flights, make the arrangements. If needs be, they could rearrange the flights last minute anyway, and he could go there if she didn’t come and he absolutely couldn’t hold himself back.   
‘Ok, I will do that, when I have the details, I will email you with them, you can forward them to her then. It’s best if it comes from you. I’ll arrange someone be there when she arrives.’ His manager nodded making a note as they walked together into the recording studio’s. 

That evening in bed, Taemin had her resume in front of him, contemplating her information. He checked her number against the one Jongin had given, and it was exactly the same. That had to be impossible. Flicking to his messages he tried to send her another message, which still failed.   
‘Uhhhh, why is this so hard.’ He grumbled to himself.   
He opened his emails, clumsily as he wasn’t used to emailing at all, failing miserably with technology, he never usually even opened the emails himself. He saw the forwarded email from his manager with a set of direct flights from Singapore to Seoul in two days’ time booked under her name.   
Carefully and slowly, he worked out how to send the email to her, and triple checked her email address as he typed it in, before writing out a short note to go with it saying;   
Jennifer, I know why you left that morning and it’s ok, I understand. Please don’t keep running away from me, come to Korea, even if it’s only as my friend. As I promised, this is the ticket for the flights. I hope I see you soon. Taemin.   
He wanted to be cautious, understanding more how fragile she was after Jonghyun had explained to him, and yet he wanted her to know he was there for her, and he wasn’t going away.   
He wondered if maybe she did need him to show up in Singapore for her. He kept thinking how she gave up a life for someone, and maybe she needed someone to travel a distance for her in the same way. But he just couldn’t see, if she didn’t want to see him that is, how turning up on her doorstep unwanted was going to help. He wanted her to have the freedom to decide it still wasn’t the right time, at least at first.   
He sent the email, feeling hopeful that he was doing the right thing, and that she would come to him. After all, Jonghyun did say she had been missing him, just as much as he missed her.   
That night he went to sleep and woke in the white room. The mirror was still positioned in the same place, but for now it was empty. Taemin began to sing to pass the time, not feeling his usual anxiety at being there anymore.   
He sang whatever came to his mind, something about being lonely, and wanting to find the person he loved. Waiting for them and being there as soon as they said they missed him. It was a song he had never sang before, something he made up on the spot, that seemed to fill him with happiness and hope. Of course he had Jennifer in his mind as he thought about finding someone he loved, but he also thought of Jonghyun and how he wanted to be close to him always and see him again. 

‘I can feel, We’re looking at each other, Though this door, Let’s see…Your eyes, nose, lips, cheek, It doesn’t matter if you’re somewhere, Higher and farther than the skies, I’ll send my love to the clouds, Hoping the moon will send it above, The moonlight surrounds us, And before it’s too late, I’ll come get you, Picturing just how surprised you’ll be, I'll coming running to you, To take you away, take you away, Without any reason, I’ll come get you’

 

Taemin had his eyes closed as his voice found the words to his new song. He opened them slowly noticing Jennifer sat in the mirror. He didn’t speak to her, sensing she couldn’t see him as she wasn’t looking in his direction. He noted she wasn’t singing herself, she wasn’t rocking, holding herself, she wasn’t crying nor was she dead. She lay on her side with her hair spread out wildly behind her, drawing circles on the floor with her delicate fingers. She paused when he stopped singing, her eyes darting around and sighed.   
‘Sometimes I feel like I can hear you.’ She whispered, focusing her attention back onto the invisible circles on the floor.   
‘I’m here,’ Taemin said quickly, his heart beating faster, hoping she could hear him, but she didn’t respond. There was nothing about her body language that even remotely pointed to her being able to hear him. His excitement died as quickly as it had appeared. He moved himself into a parallel position to her, laying on his side facing her, scrutinising her with the same awe he had when he saw her in real life.   
‘I miss you.’ She whispered, it was obvious to Taemin now that she was speaking to herself, so he listened, holding his breath for the next thing she would say.   
‘Uh, why do I miss you so much.’ She breathed despondently, staring fixedly at her own hands. ‘What have you done Taemin, I’m so confused, I shouldn’t miss you this much.’   
Taemin reached out his hand to the barrier, feeling only the cold hard plane that separated them.   
‘Don’t be confused. I love you,’ he breathed, wishing she could hear him. ‘I miss you too.’  
‘Go or not, go or not, go or not,’ she repeated slowly, making lazy back and forth motions on the floor with her hands.   
‘Go, come to Korea.’ He answered her understanding her words immediately.   
‘What if you hate me for leaving you like that?’ she asked into the abyss, pulling at Taemin’s heart.   
‘But I don’t, I couldn’t,’ he told her, uselessly.   
She sighed heavily, scrunching her eyes together tightly at her dilemma. ‘My friend told me I should go.’ She continued. ‘I told her about you, about the dreams, meeting you. She thinks I’m crazy if I don’t come.’ She chuckled hollowly. ‘But I don’t know, I don’t know if I’m any good, argh –‘ she screamed slightly, surprising Taemin.   
‘I hate that I’m so cynical about this.’ She cried, evidently frustrated with herself. ‘Jennifer this isn’t you.’ She spoke to herself angrily. ‘9 years ago these thoughts wouldn’t have been in your head, you’d have just trusted in love, followed it. Why can’t you just do that.’ She gave up drawing patterns in the floor as she fell onto her front and exhaled loudly.   
It was upsetting to watch her, to hear her conflictions. To hear how someone wanted to be, how they knew they once were, and how now they were so afraid.   
‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ her voice was muffled from her face being buried in the floor. She turned her head away from him. ‘I don’t want to be hurt again.’ She moaned, softly, huffing. ‘But you make me feel like me again.’ She added quietly.   
Taemin had tears running down his face though he didn’t notice them. He was barely breathing as he listened to her fears, her admissions. Something flipped inside him as he took in her words about how he made her feel.  
‘You make me feel better than me, special, how am I supposed to make you feel like that too.’ She sighed, curling her knees up to her chest. He could not see her face, she was still turned away from him.   
‘But you do.’ He whispered sadly into the glass. ‘You do baby.’   
Taemin began to sing, the same song as before, softly, in someway knowing she could hear him singing, even though she could not hear him speaking to her. She turned over, facing him, though her eyes were cast down, she didn’t look up to him, he knew she was following his voice. She closed her eyes softly as she remained curled up, cat like on the floor and began to hum along the tune to the song he was singing.   
‘If I don’t come will you still try and find me?’ She sighed, sleepily, the last thing Taemin heard her say.   
‘I’ll come get you,’ he spoke softly back before he woke up comfortable and sad in his own lonely bed. 

Taemin had a torturous two days waiting to find out if Jennifer was going to use the flights he sent to her. She didn’t respond to him, but he knew from their dream she was considering it. He talked to Jongin about what he had decided, and he reminded him not to be disappointed if she didn’t come, and that at the next available time, he could go to her.   
Taemin discussed it with his members too, ever since he saw her that night after he emailed her, he wanted nothing more than to go to her if she didn’t turn up. Remembering the last thing she had told him he began to worry his rogue thought about her needing him to go there was right. Key was all for him going to her, arranging a flight to leave as soon as possible after hers was due to land, just in case she did get on the flight. Minho and Jinki were more reserved, wondering if giving her more time was a better option. However if she did come, they all demanded he invited them to his place for food and to meet her.  
In the end Taemin had his manager reserve a flight, due to leave 6 hours after she was supposed to arrive, it was either that, or get a non-direct flight and change in Thailand, which would just be messy, riddled with dangers of bumping into people who might know him, and besides Taemin wasn’t very good at navigating airports alone.   
He never saw her again in the white room in the two nights he had to wait, but he continued to visit, and he continued to sing, hoping wherever she was she could hear him, and it comforted her.   
The day she was due to arrive was an excruciatingly long day. He finished recording, and went home keenly, pacing his apartment for most of the evening. If she got the flight, she would be there in an hour. He wanted to be at the airport himself, but clearly that was not an option. His manager had sent a driver, who was on strict orders to call him as soon as she did or didn’t arrive. Unfortunately there was no way to know if she had got on the plane until it landed, and the driver had collected her from the airport.   
Taemin tied himself up on the phone to Jimin, who had also been brought into the loop about the crazy situation, and was trying to keep him calm, then he called Jongin, for over an hour debating with him whether he should go, and double checking with him exactly what he should do when he flew alone.   
The time of her flight landing came and went. It seemed to Taemin like the clocks were deliberately running more slowly than usual as he freed his phone up to wait for the call from his manager. Over 45 unbearable minutes went by without a word from anyone. His ears were bright red and hot, and he couldn’t sit still. He had a bouquet of white roses sent to his house for her, just in case, but if he kept touching them, like he had been, they would be dead by the time she arrived.   
Finally, his phone rang.   
‘Hello?!’ he yelled into the receiver, almost dropping the phone in his haste to answer. ‘Is she there? Did he get her?’ He spoke quickly, tripping over his words, before his manager had a chance to speak.   
‘I’m sorry Taemin.’ His manager sighed heavily, as the weight of expectation crashed through his heart like a stone. ‘He waited until every person had come through. I told him to go and check, see if she boarded, but they couldn’t give out that information yet. I’m sorry.’   
Taemin exhaled and tried to pull himself together. ‘It’s ok. We tried. I tried. I don’t – I should have expected it.’ He concluded, trying as everyone had warned him not to be too disappointed with the situation.   
‘What do you want to do then?’ His manager asked, Taemin could hear the frown behind his words.   
Taemin hesitated, he knew what he wanted to do, but he was scared it was the wrong thing.   
‘Call me back in an hour.’ He told him, meaning he would have a decision made by then.   
Taemin flopped himself down onto his sofa. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he was unsure. Weighing up his options, it was difficult to think straight. On one hand, he would see her, even if she refused to speak to him, he would see she was safe, he would be proving something he thought she needed to see. On the other hand, he was scared of the rejection. He was scared of being too overbearing too soon, he was afraid to feel the pain he knew she also felt. Deep sorrow filled his chest as he realised the torment going on inside her, and he began to think about how he would feel if the roles were reversed. He knew instantly he would want her to try, though scared and terrified, the good thing about love was the pros always dwarfed the cons.  
‘Jongin,’ he spoke into his phone, needing to run his thought process by someone else one last time.   
‘She didn’t come?’ Jongin asked sadly, though Taemin knew by his tone he already knew.   
‘No, it doesn’t look like it. I’ve got about, 3 hours to get to the airport if I go.’ Taemin explained looking at the clock on his wall. 8.48pm.  
‘You want me to tell you it’s a good idea.’ Jongin said as the reality of the conversation hit him.   
‘I just need encouragement. I don’t want to come across like a –‘   
‘Crazy stalker?’ Jongin offered.   
Scoffing Taemin said, ‘Would I be nuts? Am I nuts if I don’t go?’ he asked sincerely.   
‘I think, - Oh hell with it, go and get her. If you’re not willing to make the biggest fool of yourself for love, then do you really deserve it?’   
‘That was my logic.’ Taemin chuckled. ‘Jongin, thank you.’ He added, lightly.   
‘You’re welcome.’ He told him with a yawn.   
‘What are you doing?’ Taemin asked, realising he didn’t even know what his schedule was.   
‘We were practicing, but Baekhyun left in a hurry about 2 minutes ago, no explanation, the manager was really pissed, so I think we will be calling it quits soon. I’m so hungry.’ He whined.   
‘Go and eat,’ Taemin chuckled, ‘I’ll let you know when I get there.’   
He hung up and dropped his head over the end of the sofa as the magnitude of his decision sunk into him. He pulled his phone out heavily, calling his manager back to confirm the flights and send them to him, with a driver in two hours’ time. It would be a long night, he rarely slept well on planes, but what other choice did he have.   
He cursed himself for not having enough brain cells to forward plan well enough and pack himself some clothes and things in a suitcase just in case this situation happened. He was far too excited at the possibility of her coming to him to even comprehend he would need to pack something for plan B.   
Hauling himself into his room he ran about throwing things wildly into a small bag, deciding that whatever he forgot he would just buy there. It was close to an hour after he had confirmed with his manager when his phone began beeping wildly, indicating he had emails. He never had the notifications switched on for emails, so it surprised him when so many came through at once. He opened the email with his itinerary for the flight and saved the documents to his phone as he had been shown to do so many times. As he came out of the screen he noticed two emails from Jennifer. He opened the earliest one, which was dated as today, earlier this morning.   
It read simply: I’m so sorry Taemin. Just give me a little bit longer.   
He heaved a sigh as the words stung at his heart. He hovered over the message for too long before he flicked to the second message, timed at a little later, at the time when she would have been flying out from Singapore. He felt stupid for not seeing the message earlier, had he have paid attention and checked his phone more he’d have saved himself all the trouble of worrying all day if she was coming or not.   
He opened the message with sweaty shaky hands. As it loaded, he frowned looking into the screen. The message was just random letters and symbols.   
‘What the hell?’ He muttered to himself, confused at the random message.   
He went in and out of the email several times, each time it opened it was the same gobbledygook.   
He called Jongin back to ask him what the hell it was.   
‘Sounds like the message corrupted when you opened it.’ Jongin told him. His signal wasn’t great as he was clearly driving home.   
‘So how do I fix it?’ Taemin asked naively.   
‘You can’t it’s just gone.’ Jongin told him, when his line went dead.   
‘Dammit.’ Taemin yelled into the silence of his apartment.   
Looking at the clock he had about half an hour before the driver would arrive to take him to the airport and he hadn’t finished closing up his suitcase.   
He dragged it up onto his bed, fiddling with the zippers to get it to close when the doorbell rang.   
‘What the hell?’ he grumbled, looking at the clock again, the driver was far too early, increasing his anxiety at the whole sorry situation. He jogged quickly to the door not checking the intercom system as he threw his door open, ready to explain why he wasn’t quite ready yet when he was face to face with Baekhyun, pulling him up short.   
‘Hey Taemin,’ Baekhyun smiled clumsily.   
‘Baekhyun?’ Taemin fumbled, sounding extremely bewildered as to why he was there.   
‘Yeah, I’m sorry, I know it’s late.’ He shifted awkwardly on his feet, rocking back and forth. ‘But I have something that belongs to you.’ Baekhyun broke into a grin as he stepped to the side, revealing Jennifer standing there, smiling warily up at him. 

‘Hi, Taemin,’ she murmured softly up at him, looking very unsure about being there. Taemin couldn’t believe it. She was there, but with Baekhyun?   
Taemin stood and gawped at her, before finally finding his voice to say, ‘Hi,’ blankly.  
Baekhyun stood between the pair, looking from Taemin to Jennifer and back again, before he cleared his throat and said, ‘Ok, so I’m going to go.’ Taemin turned vacantly to look at him, still unable to speak or understand what was going on.   
Baekhyun smiled briefly at Taemin as he hugged Jennifer softly, whispered to her and turned to leave. Taemin watched him walking down the hall and disappear as he seemed to be rooted to the floor unable to move.   
Jennifer, stood awkwardly, looking up at him vulnerably, when he turned his attention slowly back to her. She half smiled, looking around her feet clearly at a loss for words. Gradually she turned her eyes back to his and said, ‘I can explain -.’   
Taemin cut her off as he threw himself out of the door way and wrapped his arms around her tightly, as if at any moment she might actually disappear from his eyes.   
‘You’re really here.’ He whispered into her hair, that smelled familiar and comforting to him. ‘I can’t believe it.’  
She held onto him as tightly as he held her, and she didn’t move when he began to stroke her hair. ‘Do you think I can come in?’ She asked him quietly, breaking him out of his trance.   
‘Yes!’ He screamed, pulling away from her and picking up her bag on the floor. He slipped his hand around hers as he pulled her into the apartment.   
Closing the door he dropped her bag and watched her carefully as she looked around timidly, in the same way she did in the hotel room the first time, like she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do.   
Her eyes met his and she made a small anxious noise, not quite a laugh, shier than a scoff. He replied with a grin, now the shock had worn off a little, and the amazement was setting in.   
‘I want to kiss you, but I don’t know if you’ll let me.’ He admitted quietly, smiling at her.   
She smiled back, the blush building in her cheeks the way that got him to melt. ‘Maybe I should explain first and then, see if you still want to.’ She breathed slowly. He nodded, taking her hand, and leading her to the sofas. She was shaking, and her palms were clammy in his.   
‘Do you want something? Coffee or water?’ he asked as he sat her down on the sofa with him.   
‘No thank you.’ She said, looking around the room, as her knee started to bounce nervously.   
‘You’re nervous.’ He stated, eyeing the knee, and trying to sound reassuring. His heart was beating wildly, and it took every ounce of strength he had to hold himself back from hugging her, though he didn’t let her hand slip out of his.   
‘Yeah.’ She told him with a smile. ‘I don’t know where to begin, - I – I’m sorry,’ her voice dropped with her eyes, ‘I’m sorry that I left you that morning and the way I spoke to you when you called me.’ She began to rush through her apology.   
‘It’s ok.’ He stopped her, making her look back at him. ‘I understand. I know what happened.’   
She appraised him steadily, ‘How do you know?’ she asked cautiously.   
‘I saw Jonghyun again, and he told me.’ Taemin whispered, dropping his own gaze.   
‘Of course.’ She sighed, barely audible with a small shake of her head. ‘My ex-fiancés sister called me,’ she began to explain as Taemin stayed silent and listened to her attentively. ‘She told me they found him with a load of pills, he was taken to the hospital, they were pumping his stomach. She didn’t know at the time if he was going to be ok or not.’ She said sadly. She sighed as she looked for the right way to explain how she felt. ‘I looked at you, peacefully asleep, beautiful, having been so good to me and I just felt like the worst kind of person in the world. I couldn’t see how someone like me was going to be any good for you, -,’ she was visibly shaking now as she explained, and for Taemin it was painful to watch.   
‘But –‘ he began to protest, reaching out to her.   
‘Please, let me explain,’ she cut him off just as quickly, with her eyes beseeching him. ‘I thought I was the problem, and I couldn’t be around you, I was too selfish and destructive. I was going to hurt you if I stayed there. I had so much guilt that I had caused him to take them tablets, and I just had to leave. I thought hurting you in the short term like that was better for you than in the long term.’ She muttered.   
Taemin sighed, screaming inside everything he wanted to say, but he held himself together and nodded, ‘I do understand.’   
‘So then I went to the hospital, and by the time I got there they told us he would be fine, he would need to see a doctor now whether he liked it or not. He was sleeping, and his family told me they would let me know what happened, so I went to work, trying to distract myself from everything and just focus. I have been up and down all week blaming myself for him doing this. Four days ago he sent me a message, asking me to go and see him.’ She paused, as a tear escaped her running slowly down her cheek.   
‘I went to see him that night, for the first time in months and months, we spoke. He apologised to me, for how he treated me, for making me worry, and for doing something like that. I told him how I had been feeling, dealing with the guilt of leaving him, and he told me it wasn’t my fault.’ She looked up at Taemin softly with a look of astonishment on her face, like she couldn’t believe it. ‘He told me he didn’t do it because he blamed me, he did it because he didn’t know what else to do to take control of himself. I could understand that. He said, he knew the blame lived with him for me leaving him, and he was sorry he ruined the relationship.’   
Taemin swallowed hard, concentrating as much as he could though it was undeniably difficult to listen to.   
‘He asked me if I still loved him.’ She looked deeply at Taemin, before she spoke again. Fear that had not bothered Taemin suddenly thundered its way into his chest as he waited for what she was going to say next.   
‘What did you tell him?’ He asked her fearfully.   
‘As he asked me, I realised that I didn’t anymore,’ she whispered, shaking her head as more tears fell from her eyes. ‘I hadn’t been in love with him for a long time. Everything I was feeling had confused me. But I knew I had fallen in love with you, and that kind of love I had for him had disappeared.’ Taemin could not tear his eyes off her as she spoke. ‘I told him that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I still cared and would always care. But the trust had been broken between us far too deeply for it to be repaired, and it was you who had started to help me put trust back into my life, trust back into myself.’   
‘You told him about me?’ Taemin asked surprised. His mouth was dry hanging onto every word.   
She nodded, there was a coy smile on her face, but her eyes were still wide, like deep green pools filled with all the emotions, ‘I was afraid too, but as I realised all these things, and how much you meant to me, it started to come out. I didn’t explain who you were, just that I had met someone as a friend, who I began to fall for.’ The pink in her cheeks had peaked. ‘He asked me if you treat me better than he did.’ She added quietly.  
‘What did you say?’ Taemin asked.   
‘I told him you treat me the way he should have. Without being asked you did what I wanted, you just knew the right things to say and do, instinctively. And he told me I deserve to be happy.’ She explained with a Mona Lisa smile.   
Taemin smiled, relieved at her words. ‘You do deserve to be happy.’ He told her.   
‘I know.’ She smiled wider, nodding at him, ‘I was remembering your words, what you said to me at the beach, ‘Let me make you feel worthy then, let me show you I am worthy of you.’ I remembered that last night, and I realised then it wasn’t just about you showing me I could trust you. Love is, it’s proving to each other that you have faith in one another and doing all you can to be there for them, accepting everything the good and the bad. You had already done that for me, you already accepted me, knew me, you already opened yourself to me, so I could trust you. Your situation, your job, it’s not easy to trust strangers, but what you’ve done for me, shows a lot of faith in me. That’s why I came, to prove it to you, that I really want this, try and make up for how I left it with you and build your trust within me.’   
The smile on Taemin’s face grew larger as he listened to her, as soon as she stopped, he wiped the tears from her face with his thumbs and pulled her close into his chest.   
‘You don’t have to prove anything to me.’ He told her gently.   
‘I did. I knew you would come to me had I asked that of you. I knew you would come even if I didn’t.’ She told him, holding onto him. ‘I needed that trust in someone, that even if I didn’t ask you would do it anyway. When I realised I knew that was true, I saw that I did trust you, I knew I had to show you the same thing.’ She explained.   
He understood. It made perfect sense to him. In her eyes he had already proved himself, this is what Jonghyun had meant by trusting his gut. He had told him already he had done everything right. And she had avoided breaking his trust by coming there for him, showing him she was really someone he could believe in. Without realising that’s what he needed, he was grateful of her foresight and maturity.   
‘But I don’t understand.’ He told her pulling away from her, so he could look her in the eyes. ‘If you knew you were coming why the email this morning? Why did you miss the flight? And what’s Baekhyun got to do with everything?’ His questions tumbled out one after the other.   
‘Ok.’ She sighed, frowning. ‘This morning was hard for me. I went to sleep last night thinking I was coming, I arranged the time off from work, packed, but then when I woke up, I panicked I was doing the wrong thing. The, darkness got to me again, and then by mid afternoon my friend told me the only way to remove it was to keep trying, keep fighting through it, not to hide in it and let it get to me. I had to face what I feared, even if it all went wrong, if I just stood still it was going to get me.’ She explained.   
Taemin gave her a sympathetic nod. If she gave into the dark feelings she would never find a way out, but she hadn’t, she was fighting, like Jonghyun had told him.   
‘So then I was very late for the flight you sent me. I did all I could to get there and make that flight, but I had messed around going back and forth so much I arrived late, and they wouldn’t let me on it.’   
Now everything was being to make sense to him. ‘Ahhh, you just missed the flight.’ He said with a chuckle.   
‘Yeah, I’m sorry.’ She nodded smiling more than she had been. ‘So I asked them at the airport when the next flight to Seoul was, and there was another an hour later that they could get me on. Fortunately you sent me first class flights, so they were very helpful to try and accommodate me.’ She grinned as he laughed. ‘I didn’t have your number to call you and explain, I only had the email address you sent me the flights with, so I sent you the second email with the new flights on, explaining what happened. You didn’t respond though, so I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when I got here if anyone would meet me or not. Once I was on the plane I realised I didn’t even know where you lived if you hadn’t received the email. I kind of began to panic, and as I was flicking through my phone trying to figure out a way to see you, I remembered.’   
‘Remembered what?’ Taemin asked eagerly.   
‘Well I hoped you would email me back and I would get it went I landed, but if not Baekhyun had given me his number that night we had dinner together with everyone. He gave it me early in the night, telling me to call him and let him know if I wanted a ticket to the show.’ She explained as he began to piece together what had happened.   
‘So I landed and walked through arrivals and no one was there, I checked my emails, but you hadn’t responded. I hoped that Baekhyun wouldn’t feel angry or put out if I contacted him, but I had no choice. I sent him a message and explained everything, and that I didn’t know how to find you. I was so relieved when he responded. He told me to go to the carpark and wait for him there, and he would bring me to you.’   
Taemin immediately remembered speaking to Jongin on the phone, telling him Baekhyun had left suddenly without any explanation. He nodded, smiling to himself.   
‘I only got your emails about an hour ago, and the second one was just symbols and letters, it didn’t make any sense.’ He told her, shaking his head lightly at the memory.   
‘That’s why you were so shocked to see me, I understand the shock at seeing Baekhyun, I guessed maybe you thought I just wasn’t coming.’ She said.   
‘I should thank him. I thought he was out to sabotage us when he saw us in the hall before the show.’ Taemin said thoughtfully, feeling terrible he had questioned him.   
‘I know. He told me he was shocked to see us, and a little jealous. But he said he apologised to you, and then he apologised to me for kissing me. I told him a little bit about my – situation – and told him that you and I had become closer recently. I think he assumed we talked on the phone, I didn’t mention the dreams. Then he told me he hoped it would work out for us, and said he wanted us to be friends.’ She was smiling dolefully. Taemin had the feeling that Baekhyun would become a great friend to both of them, as he would forever be indebted to him for giving her his number and saving the situation.   
‘Oh!’ Taemin jumped up as his phone rang. ‘Hold on.’ He mouthed to Jennifer, answering the phone.   
‘Hello?’ He spoke into the receiver.   
‘Taemin the driver is waiting for you, are you ready to go?’ His manager said on the other end of the line.   
‘Ah, can you cancel it?’ He grinned into the phone, turning to look at Jennifer, giving her a wink.   
‘You’re not going now?’ The manager asked him dazed.   
‘No. She’s here with me.’ He said as a giggle escaped him. Taemin had to hold the phone away from his ear as his manager screamed down the line.   
He rolled his eyes at Jennifer who giggled back at him.   
‘Ok, ok, I’ll take care of everything.’ His manager spoke quickly as he hung up.   
Taemin put the phone down, settling back onto the sofa, with an arm tightly around Jennifer.  
‘I had arranged to come to you if you didn’t turn up.’ He told her honestly.   
‘See, I knew you would do that.’ She jibbed, but she was smiling contently.   
‘Ah! I have a gift for you.’ He told her remembering the flowers.   
‘Really?’ She answered him in a sweet voice.   
He jumped up and pulled her up with him, taking her into his kitchen were the flowers sat on the counter.   
She rolled her eyes at him but the smile on her face was worth every flower.   
‘You kept sending me white roses, every day too.’ She sighed happily as her eyes wandered over the bouquet. ‘Thank you.’  
‘You got them?’ He asked with a sheepish grin.   
‘Every one of them, with all your notes.’ She nodded. ‘Not one person has ever sent me flowers before. My staff thought I had a secret admirer.’ She giggled.   
‘You do.’ He slipped his arms around her waist pulling her into him. He freed up a hand to lightly stroke down the side of her face, ‘Do you think I can have that kiss now?’ He asked her softly.   
She made a cute face of indifference shrugging her shoulders at him. He laughed as he hooked his fingers behind her neck and finally got the kiss he had been craving for over a week.   
She pulled away sooner then he would have liked her to. Moaning at the loss of her lips, he looked down into her eyes questioningly.   
‘You told me not to be like him, not to push you away and let you help me. I don’t want to be like him, I want to live, I want to love, I want to love you. I know I have to fight every day against my own pain, but I think it will be ok, because you are the light to show me the way.’ She said quietly, carefully, her eyes glazing over. ‘But if it gets too hard you have to tell me, ok?’ She told him.   
‘I will tell you,’ he said softly, cupping her face in his hands. ‘So you want to be with me then?’ he asked grinning.   
‘Ask me properly.’ She mischieviously grinned back at him.   
He scoffed, bending down slightly so his eyes were level with hers. ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ The smile on his face couldn’t have been any bigger. ‘Because I want to love you how you were supposed to be loved.’   
‘I want to love you how you were supposed to be loved too. Ok then.’ She smiled back at him, the kind of smile that reached her eyes and crinkled into the corners, genuinely happy.   
‘I love you.’ He told her with as much affection as he had pumping through him.   
‘I love you too.’ She whispered back.


	5. Epilogue

After two days hiding themselves away from real life, mostly spent talking, kissing, eating, cuddling, sleeping, and generally doing the things that people in love do, Taemin unwillingly had to answer the building messages on his phone. Admittedly he couldn’t really ignore real life anymore when Minho and Jinki began to call him every 5 minutes simultaneously. In their minds Taemin had two days to himself, so now it was time to share. Grinning like he was high as a kite, he agreed for them to come to his apartment, and meet Jennifer that evening, where they would all eat together, and drink a little bit or maybe a lot.  
He also invited Jongin and Baekhyun, wanting to say thank you to Baekhyun and offer him his own apology.  
‘I think I might be sick.’ Jennifer said as she emerged into the bedroom, looking radiant after she had applied her make-up and put on a casual red dress, that seemed to be backless. It struck Taemin just how nice she actually did look in clothes, after having her naked for the majority of their two days in blissful isolation.  
‘Why?’ he grinned, as he flipped himself over onto his front and languished himself lazily off the end of the bed, attempting to grab her as she walked past him.  
‘Haven’t you had enough?’ she asked him sarcastically, dodging his hands trying to seize her as she walked past.  
‘Noooo,’ he moaned grinning up at her, pouting like a child.  
She scoffed at him. ‘What if they don’t like me?’ She said turning serious dropping her make-up bag into her suitcase and sitting on the edge of the bed facing him.  
He twisted onto his side, leaning on his elbow as he gazed at her. ‘They will.’ He said simply.  
‘I’ve done make-up on so many celebrities, models, famous people, and they never once phased me. I’ve even met Jongin and Baekhyun and yet I’m worried about Minho, Jinki and Key.’ She shook her head lightly, as if she was trying to rid herself of the feeling.  
‘They will love you because I love you.’ He said, managing this time to pull her closer to him as he looked up at her from her lap.  
‘You’re biased.’ She mocked him.  
‘Doesn’t mean I’m wrong.’ He grinned innocently at her.  
‘Are you going to get dressed?’ She asked him, returning his grin.  
‘Do I have to?’ He whined, he had got used to living like a nudist.  
She raised an eyebrow at him. ‘Not if you don’t want to, but they might wonder why.’ She teased him with a kiss.  
He clucked at her frustratedly, ‘Can’t we pretend we are out,’ he groaned getting up, finding the offensive shirt he had chosen to wear for the evening.  
As he had just fastened the last button on his shirt and leaned down to steal a kiss from Jennifer putting her earrings in, the doorbell rang. He raised his eyebrows at her and winked, ‘Take your time.’ He said, leaving to go and open the door.  
Jinki and Minho were stood in his doorway, grinning like idiots, with bottles of Soju in their hands.  
‘Where is she?’ Minho mouthed as he took a step in and looked around at the empty apartment. Taemin smirked at him while Jinki rolled his eyes, handing Taemin the bottles.  
‘She’s coming,’ he grinned at him.  
Minho grinned back at him widely, throwing an arm around him and leading him towards the sofas. ‘Look at our Makanae, I’ve never seen him in love.’ He teased.  
‘Leave him alone,’ Jinki shouted following them over.  
Taemin gave Minho a playful shove as they sat down. ‘Where is Key?’ he asked looking between his two brothers.  
‘He’ll be here soon,’ Jinki shrugged, pulling out cups and pouring the soju without hesitation for each of them.  
‘To Taemin,’ Minho raised his glass to them.  
‘To Taemin,’ Jinki repeated with a smile downing the drink.  
From the corner of his eye, Taemin saw Jennifer hesitantly hovering in the doorway. The movement also caught Minho’s eye as he stood up quickly, followed by Jinki who turned around to watch her too.  
‘Hi,’ she said hesitantly, bowing to them both awkwardly, clearly, she was someone who had never bowed before. Taemin’s smile grew with the effort he was seeing from her.  
‘Hello,’ Minho bowed deeply to her, knowing she was older than all of them there. The smile on his face looked comical.  
‘Hello,’ Jinki followed Minho’s lead and bowed to her too.  
They all sort of held their breath collectively, waiting for something to happen, when Taemin burst out laughing with the awkwardness.  
Jennifer grinned sheepishly towards Taemin as Jinki and Minho also fell about laughing along with Taemin.  
‘I’m sorry, it’s nice to meet you,’ Minho said to her as she came and settled herself on the sofa opposite from Jinki.  
‘That’s ok, I’m kind of nervous as well. It’s nice to meet you too.’ She said to him, bouncing her knee the way she did when she was anxious.  
‘Nice to meet you too Noona.’ Jinki said, sounding very odd.  
Jennifer’s face dropped, looking almost horrified, ‘Please just call me Jenni.’ She said dazzling her smile at them.  
Jinki looked towards Taemin for confirmation, hoping he hadn’t offended her. Taemin just shook his head once to let him know it was ok. Jinki poured more drinks, including soju for Jenni, which Taemin knew she hadn’t tried before.  
He watched her, as Jinki cheered to her, Minho and himself drinking the shot, Jennifer copied. She pulled a disgusted face as the liquid hit her throat. ‘Oh my god.’ She coughed, putting her hand over her chest.  
Taemin laughed, widening his eyes to her. They had talked about soju and how she had never tried it before, and he was sure she was going to hate it. She wasn’t much of a drinker.  
‘You have never tried this before?’ Minho asked, trying to hide his laughter.  
‘No, oh my god.’ She coughed again, looking embarrassed. Jinki smiled at her as they both reassured her it was a normal reaction to trying it for the first time.  
Minho then began to ask her about herself, and the atmosphere relaxed, Jennifer seemed at ease speaking to him, and his English was good, Minho didn’t have any problems communicating with her.  
The doorbell rang again, and Taemin went to answer, feeling confident that Jennifer could handle Jinki and Minho by herself by now. Her initial apprehensions had disappeared as she laughed and talked with them at ease.  
It was Jongin and Baekhyun at the door, and though Taemin greeted them both warmly, he was worried about Key and where he was. Jongin greeted him with a hug, and quickly went to greet everyone else.  
Taemin greeted Baekhyun but paused with him at the door.  
‘Thank you, for helping her, at the airport,’ Taemin said sincerely.  
‘Don’t worry about it, it’s the least I could do.’ He grinned at him.  
‘Baekhyun, also, I’m sorry too. I thought – well – I didn’t treat you fairly, so I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know how grateful I am.’ Taemin was beginning to feel awkward with his rambling apology.  
‘Taemin, really, don’t worry about it. I’m just glad I could help.’ He shrugged, feeling the atmosphere get to it’s peak.  
Taemin followed him back into the living area. Jongin had sat on the floor, leaning himself on Jennifer comfortably, the way he did with people he liked. Taemin had warned her this might happen, Jongin was basically an oversized toddler, shy with people at first, then very quickly he was all over you. He smiled at her apologetically, she rolled her eyes in a ‘what you going to do?’ kind of way. Baekhyun greeted her, kissing her cheek, and the usual jealousy that Taemin had experienced didn’t roar up inside him. Instead he felt warm with how much affection there was in the room.  
Everyone was getting along, talking, and drinking as the volume in the room rose when the doorbell rang again.  
Taemin jumped up for the third time, very excited to answer the door to Key who finally had arrived.  
‘Hey!’ He hugged him as soon as he opened the door.  
‘Hey.’ Key said a little less enthusiastically than he expected.  
‘What’s up?’ Taemin asked him pulling himself off him.  
Key looked into the room, where everyone was laughing, the noise level booming out. ‘I’m just, I’m excited, but I’m scared. You said she was like Jonghyun, and I don’t want to get too upset.’ He told him slowly.  
Taemin took in his friend, he could understand. Nodding he told him, ‘Come and meet her, you’ll see what I mean. She doesn’t act like him, or look like him, it’s just a feeling, it’s soothing.’  
Key nodded, but never the less Taemin took his hand tightly and lead him into the room.  
‘Key!’ came shouts from the members and Jongin with big smiles on their faces. Key though only had eyes for Jennifer as he took in the room.  
‘Hi,’ she smiled up at him nervously, the last new person for her to meet finally here.  
Taemin glimpsed at him nervously, Key’s face was deadpan as he took her in, and Minho and Jinki could tell there was something up with him, glancing at each other nervously. Jennifer’s smile faltered slightly as he took his time to respond.  
‘Hey.’ He said breaking into a smile at her and the tension that had suddenly built in the room dissipated.  
Jennifer got up, manoeuvring around Jongin carefully to come and greet Key properly. She smiled at him shyly, and bowed, ‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’ She told him kind-heartedly watching him with care wide eyes.  
Key was intently looking back at her when he reached out and pulled her into a hug. ‘It’s nice to meet you too.’ He told her sighing softly. Taemin knew he could see it, whatever it was about her, Key could see it too.  
They ordered huge amounts of food and kept drinking into the night. Baekhyun and Jongin left first, having a schedule to attend to the next day, and as the laughs and the initial getting to know you wore off, everyone was full and feeling a little tipsy.  
Jennifer had disappeared into the kitchen, due to bring back a pitcher of water for them, since she was the soberest out of everyone, definitely not enjoying the soju, she was attempting to look after them as best she could.  
‘I like her.’ Minho smiled through his drunken haze at Taemin who was slumped on the opposite end of the sofa.  
‘Really?’ he grinned at him, not bothering to hide his jubilation.  
‘Yeah me too, she reminds me of an older sister, Noona.’ Jinki slurred, laying down spread out on the floor.  
‘Where did she go?’ Minho asked, looking around the room. Taemin followed his gaze, noting that Key had also left. He got up, heaving himself into he kitchen. Before he crashed his way inside though he paused at the door, listening to Key speaking.  
‘I was nervous to meet you.’ He was saying softly.  
‘You were nervous? I was nervous.’ She replied in her soft Irish accent.  
‘But you’re so lovely, you’re perfect for Taemin.’ Key assured her, Taemin could hear the smile on his face and grinned to himself. ‘He told us you met Jonghyun, in your dream too.’ Key added, his tone turning doleful.  
‘Yeah, I guess, I did.’ She told him softly. ‘I don’t know if it was real, or I don’t know really. But he was very sweet and kind to me.’ She was speaking very kindly. Taemin pressed his lips together in a pout. He wished that Jonghyun was here with them right at that moment.  
‘He was the sweetest and kindest person,’ he heard Key sniffle, he knew he was getting upset. ‘But he would have loved you, I’m sure of it.’ He told her sincerely, through his tears. ‘I can see why Taemin said you remind him of Hyung, there’s just something…’ he didn’t finish his sentence as he sniffled his tears back.  
‘Hey, hey.’ Jennifer told him softly. Taemin poked his head around the door, watching as she wrapped her arms around Key gently, rubbing his shoulders. ‘It’s ok to cry,’ she cooed to him. Key held onto her like a baby clinging to it’s mother. Taemin could feel the emotions welling up inside him too.  
‘I’m sorry,’ Key broke their hug and wiped at his face.  
‘It’s ok, there’s no need to be sorry,’ she told him, wiping his tears for him. ‘It’s the nicest compliment you can give me, to tell me I remind you of him,’  
He looked deeply at her, like he was really looking at her, expecting to see Jonghyun there. ‘Thank you for saying something so nice.’ He told her.  
‘Thank you.’ She told him with a chuckle, trying to lighten his mood, his tears had stopped now. ‘He’ll always be special, and if I can help – in any way -.’ Key hugged her again.  
‘You help Taemin, and that helps us,’ he told her.  
Taemin decided to go back to the living area and not interrupt their conversation. Needless to say they came out with the water not 5 minutes later, after Key had got himself together. 

Later that night, in bed, Taemin entwined himself around Jennifer like he had gotten used to the past few nights, and he sighed happily.  
‘I heard you and Key talking in the kitchen.’ He whispered to her into the darkness. She didn’t answer him with words, only stroking his arm that was around her, letting him know she was listening.  
‘What you said to Key was really kind.’ He continued, ‘He was worried about getting upset,’  
‘I don’t mind if he gets upset. But I’m glad if I was able to comfort him.’ She whispered back.  
‘Like Jonghyun could.’ Taemin told her. ‘Not with what you said, or how you said it, just the kindness that you have, he could feel it, like you could feel it around Jonghyun, he just had a kindness.’ Taemin explained, though he wasn’t sure he was making sense.  
‘Tae, do you think, -‘ she began but then paused.  
‘What?’ he asked softly snuggling into her more, enjoying the warmth she provided him with.  
‘If you don’t want to it’s ok for you to say no.’ She began, ‘but, do you think we could visit Jonghyun. I would like to show my respect to him.’ She was whispering so quietly into the darkness.  
Taemin considered her request. He hadn’t been able to face it himself since they laid him to rest, not because he didn’t want to, but somehow, in his mind, if he didn’t go, it hadn’t happened. He could almost hear Jonghyun telling him that it would be good for him, he could see his smiling beautiful face sat on the red armchair in the pink room nodding at him. With that image and Jennifer with him, he thought he could face it.  
‘Ok, we can go tomorrow.’ He told her quietly, both of them slipping into sleep. 

The next morning they woke up and decided to go to Jonghyun’s resting place early. Taemin packed soju and some fruit apprehensively. He was nervous, but he was trying his best to hold it together.  
‘Taemin?’ Jennifer called to him from the bedroom, he was just finishing in the bathroom walking into the bedroom.  
‘Yeah baby?’ he asked softly.  
‘Um, what do I wear?’ she asked him. Her suitcase had exploded in the corner of the room and he had to chuckle. ‘I mean, what is respectful?’ she added, picking through the discarded clothes.  
‘Something fun.’ He told her. She eyed him apprehensively, not quite understanding his meaning.  
‘Something colourful. To remember him fondly.’ Taemin smiled, he didn’t want to go there in dark clothes, with an air of misery. He wanted to celebrate his friend.  
‘Ok.’ She smiled, choosing a pink dress. Pink or red was a good colour, Taemin thought watching her carefully. It reminded him of meeting Jonghyun in the pink room, so he chose himself a pink shirt too. To show his love to him.  
Taemin drove them to Jonghyun. It was a little way, as they got closer, he got more nervous. Jennifer must have been able to sense his mood, her hand finding his silently, and giving him a squeeze, reminding him he wasn’t alone.  
They parked up and he directed them, remembering the way easily, like he had made the trip just yesterday. Thankfully no one else was around them. No one to watch them, judge them, each step Taemin took felt like so much effort, as they walked slowly.  
‘Take your time.’ Jennifer told him quietly, her hand never letting go of his. He looked down at her, smiling at her gratefully for being with him to help him through every step.  
He took a deep breath to steady himself and continued holding tightly onto her hand as she followed him quietly.  
Eventually they arrived at his resting place and Taemin couldn’t hold his emotions in any longer. The tears fell from his eyes down his cheeks as he took in the plaque with his brothers name on.  
‘Hyung.’ He wept, touching the plaque lightly. Fresh flowers had been laid out for him, arranged beautifully.  
Taemin wiped his face roughly, and pulled out the soju, with a small glass, filling it to the top for him. Jennifer watched in silence as he settled the glass on top of the plaque for him, and then handed her an apple, taking one out for himself and placing it together with the soju. Jennifer did the same, following his lead.  
Taemin said a little prayer to him in his head, bowing when he was finished. He looked curiously at Jennifer, who asked him, ‘Is it ok to give something else?’ very timidly.  
Taemin nodded, curious at what she had to offer him. She pulled out an envelope, with Jonghyun’s name on the front written in a beautiful cursive lettering and placed it between the glass and the fruit.  
‘What is it?’ he asked her quietly watching her shaking hands deliver the envelope.  
‘It’s a letter.’ She told him sadly. ‘I wanted to thank him for helping me find the light, for letting me meet you, and tell him how much he is still loved.’ She pulled out a single white rose from her bag and laid it softly next to the envelope.  
Taemin gazed at her. He was a little taken aback at the gesture, but it was typical of her, and something he knew Jonghyun would have loved.  
Before he knew it, Jennifer had dropped to her knees, also to his astonishment. He had assumed she wouldn’t know what to do as she bent her head and touched the ground to him three times.  
Silently Taemin did the same. The tears following back down his face, but this time his heart was full of love. He missed him so much it hurt, but to his surprise he was happy to be here, happy to show his respects to Jonghyun after all this time.  
They sat on their knees for a long time in silence. Taemin remembered his brother well, all the good times they had, the way he spoke to him, supported him always. He felt Jonghyun’s words on him from the pink room, telling him he was always with him. He felt his presence next to him.  
‘Do you want to know about him?’ Taemin asked, he really wanted to share everything about Jonghyun he could, and describe what a wonderful person he was, unlike he had before. Before Taemin would talk about how he felt about his death, only a little, before he shut down. Now he wanted to celebrate him, he wanted Jennifer to know about the man that had brought them together.  
‘I would like that.’ She smiled kindly at him, giving his hand another caring squeeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have read to the end of this story, thank you! I hope you enjoyed it!   
> It is a very sensitive theme, throughout, and of course Jonghyun’s death was not taken lightly when I came to write this story. I sincerely hope that comes across when you read this. I was not trying to exploit his death or use it negatively in anyway.   
> Let me explain why and how this story came to be.   
> Depression is a serious illness that needs to be talked about. I myself have had experience with this, and a lot of the issues ‘Jennifer’ has, are my own issues.   
> I have been married for three years, to someone who has very serious depression and self worth issues. I have been with him for several years, constantly battling him to get help, to help him. Over the course of this year I have found that I could not help him in the way I wanted too. I realised it HAD to come from him. I would support him as much as possible, but ultimately, I could not fix him.   
> It came to a point where I was getting extremely angry and instead of helping him like I wanted, I was making it worse. I couldn’t allow myself to get angry and hate him for something he could not control, but he refused to get help. I left him, in the care of his family, to seek the help he needed. It was extremely difficult leaving someone you love so much, have fought for, for so long, with the intention to help them. It sounds counter productive right? How does leaving someone make them better? For me and my husband it was the only way to save our marriage. I did not want to end up hating him, I did not want to end up with a broken marriage beyond repair. My husband does not see this yet. He blames me, and still won’t speak to me, and maybe some of you will think that is right, but I carry that guilt around with me every day, like a dark cloud.   
> Depression doesn’t just affect those who are depressed. It affects the people who love you, who try to help you, and it is just as frustrating and difficult for them to know what the right thing is to do. Ultimately, if you want help, there are always people there who will be glad to help you. I will still be glad to help my husband, I have not abandoned him to drown alone in his issues, but I couldn’t save him alone either.   
> After I left him, I came back to my own country. (My husband is from a different country to me, and I have been living there with him for 8 years until recently). I have a brilliant family who support me and love me, and yet I found it so hard to deal with everything, I found myself thinking about suicide myself. I miss my husband, my life with him, I am heartbroken it came to this situation, and guilt is a terrible thing. I also had a dog, that my husband still has that I had to leave behind too. I found myself thinking this pain is too much. I feel too much. Maybe I am the problem? My family doesn’t need me at home with them, and where do I belong in the world? I didn’t feel like I belonged back in my own home country, and nor did I belong in my husband’s country where I had built my life for so many years. I truly thought death was the only way out of the pain.   
> Jonghyun’s death affected me, as it did every shawol and person who has a heart. His music, along with Taemin’s and SHINee’s has given me strength, and writing thing story, in a sense my own depression it has helped me a lot.   
> My husband has not attempted to take his own life, and I am thankful to say he seems to be improving slowly, beating his own depression day by day. If my leaving him ended our marriage, but helped him fight for himself, then I know I ultimately did the right thing. I can accept that sacrifice though I still love him.   
> If you, or if anyone you know has depression, feelings of worthlessness or suicide, please get help. There is always someone who wants to listen. Email me, and I will listen, I have shared my story with you to help, don’t feel like I or anyone else would judge you.   
> Depression has no reasons, you could have the ‘perfect’ life, but somehow those feelings just find you, it’s not your fault. If anyone you know has depression, make sure you take care of yourself too. It’s hard on you too. 
> 
> Again, I hope this helps even one person, to show them they are not alone, and I hope god, Jonghyun, and the SHINee family will forgive me for writing about something so personal in this way. I repeat, I did not intend to offend anyone, but if it does I can only offer my sincerest apologies, and hope you understand why.   
> Be kind to everyone, you never know what someone else is going through.

**Author's Note:**

> ***Contains issues of a sensitive nature - mentions of depression and suicide*** 
> 
> Please note this has sensitive content.  There are mentions of Jonghyun, if you are sensitive, please do not read.  I know his death is a sensitive issue, and I have tried to handle it carefully here, but if you feel you cannot deal with him in a new story, I would suggest you are better not to read this.
> 
> I don't mean to cause offense, I have not tried to use his death disrespectfully, in anyway, nor do I profess to know how anyone feels losing someone to depression.  
> 
> I have experienced my own depression, similar to the theme of this story, again, please do not read if you are sensitive. 
> 
> If you or anyone you know has depression, suicidal thoughts, don't suffer alone.  There is always someone you can talk to, if anyone needs help, someone to talk to, or just someone to listen to you, I welcome anyone who needs a friend, just send me a message. 


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